Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

I'm guessing that you can't say to your child "no dear, you can't go to private school because daddy doesn't love you enough."

OP would you be happy for your child to live full-time with their father so they can attend private school in France?

If so tell your ex that and cough up the funds so they can plus the extra maintenance.

You will not find a decent private school here for 5k a year. It’s more than that a term for pre-prep. Secondary is at least 7k a term for a non-selective school where I am. The more sought after and academic schools are a lot more.

There are private schools 20k to 30k plus a year per child and then there are independent schools which are 10% of household earnings for first child and decreases for any other siblings.

Which one are his kids going to in France?

UK private schools are exceptionally pricey - it's not really reasonable to expect a parent to keep kids in state system in one country where they could afford private just because they couldn't afford it here, ultimately.

I understand what you say regarding boarding school, I didn’t know that nor was it an option, but like I said earlier and in the reply before, I’ll offer to help pay for ours to receive the same education as their siblings, but he refuses to take our child.

Madness. You’d uproot your child for this? Seriously?

Well naturally more since he seems to have so much liberal money. Since he won’t pay for the same education, the extra £100 or so can go to funding extra curricular activities and or tutoring for our child. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask.

Maybe because he's putting the welfare of what would be best for his child first. Do you honestly think sending your child to a private school in a different country, one where your child only spends time briefly each year during holidays, away from their mother whom is their primary carer and their friends, support systems and all they know is a logical thing to do.... It sounds batshit! Treating kids fairly doesn't always mean giving them the exact same things.

£5k is still very different to £20k odd which is what it comes to here in many cases.
Speaking French is not the same as being fluent written - I went for several years in a bilingual school and I can confirm the standard is way way ahead of anything that is taught in this country.
Do you and your son really want to uproot him and change schools as this age? And not do GCSE but a bacc? Do you know what bacc he'd do?

You would send your son to live in France, pay half the school fees and maintenance to your ex, JUST so that his other children aren't getting something your child together isn't?

Well the actions of their dad does all the talking.

You ex said it costs ‘5k-10k’ to send his kids?

really? That’s a massive ball park. If he was using the cost of private school being much lower in France, I very much doubt he would have said it costs anywhere up to 10k a year.

I would try and work out why you and your son as so desperate for him to have the same that you are willing move your son there. It’s not pleasant that the step mother doesn’t really want your child there all year, but she does get a say in the decision.

I get the impression your sons upset is being made worse by you.

You seemingly, wouldn’t be happy with your son not going to boarding school if you got a bigger payment from your ex. Which even though that’s entirely irrelevant to the schooling issue.

Well, for a start, your ex is right - private school in France is nowhere near as expensive as private school in the UK. Even if he didn't send his children in France to private school, that still doesn't mean he could necessarily afford to send yours to private school here.

Secondly, the children in France are not just his children. They are also his new partner's children and she is contributing to their schooling from her savings - not that this is any of your business.

Thirdly, I find it weird that your child was upset because his siblings in France go to a private school. Is there some projecting going on here? Why is your child desperate to go a private school? Why does he think he'll be happier at an expensive private school than the one he currently goes to? Surely he has friends at his current school and wouldn't want to start again? As your husband said, you hadn't even mentioned private school until now. You obviously thought a state school was fine when you enrolled your son in one without even suggesting the possibility of going private, so why is it suddenly not good enough now? It really sounds like you're doing everything you can to cause a division here between your son and his siblings. His siblings go to different schools to him. So bloody what? They also live in a different country with a different education system and have a different mother. Of course everything isn't going to be the same.

I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year

Would you seriously be happy to give up custody of your own child for almost the entire year and send him to another country just to force your ex to pay for private school there? Really? Wow.

I think there's no way of knowing if his wife is really paying for half the fees - it may be true or he may just have said this to shut you up. It's not unreasonable to expect a father to treat all of his children fairly. Fair doesn't always mean 'exactly the same' though.
If your child is receiving a good education and is happy, then he doesn't need private school. If not, then I can see why you'd be unhappy. Your ex is right in that you cannot compare different countries as if all things are priced the same or are equally valuable/important.

I think I'd consider whether the £400 he pays is a true reflection of what it costs to raise your son and whether he could be forced legally to pay more. If he's in France, could he be held to any legal ruling here or would you have to apply in France? There's no point kicking off about it if you couldn't make him pay more anyway.

The other thing he could do is to talk to your son and explain that paying for private school in France isn't the same as in the UK - education systems are different and it isn't a reflection on how much he is loved by his dad. You both need to reframe this differently to your son because otherwise it's gong to cause issues.

The wife sounds like a bit of a cow though, saying no to your son living there full time. She married a man who has a child and part of that is accepting that child may come and live with his dad at some point. If this is how she feels about him, you don't want your child in that environment.

Huh?!? Of course your solution of shipping your son off to live with your husband's new partner who doesn't want him is a bad one! Wtf is wrong with you?

Also, I don't understand why your son was so upset over this private school issue? Does he not like his school? I went to a state grammar school and my brother to a private school. I was never ever upset about that as I liked my school 🤷‍♀️

Somehow I think it's you that wants this OP. Not your poor 13 year old whose mother would be prepared to send him to France at the drop of a hat.

They already spend so much time there and are well accustomed to life there, it’s just changing the ratios. Most of their time not spent in school, is in France with them. I don’t think it’ll be such a horrible adjustment.

.....but I can afford to help him pay more than half even if my child studies in France with his siblings - why is my solution bad?

Because you're sending into a situation where his step mother doesn't want him, that's why.

How could you do that to him?

No it doesn’t. You have no idea what other things they might have sacrificed to do this. You’re allowing yourself to be completely blinded by jealousy.

Your poor son.

Changing country and schooling system is a massive thing.

Even kids who are reasonably bilingual will often struggle - he will have learnt British history not French history, he will not know a lot of the subject specific words.

Most parents once their kids hit secondary will move heaven and earth to keep them in a consistent secondary system so they do as well as they can.

Transplanting a 13 year old to a French school from the English system is unlikely to end well.

Is there a possibility you have magnified your son's upset in your bid for ‘equality’?

Presuming your son has been happy / doing well in his school, I cannot imagine why you would take such drastic action as to relocate him - away from his primary parent- to achieve this ‘equilibrium’.

What does your son think about moving away from you?

I believe you’re within your right to seek more child support, but the rest sounds a bit much to me.

So you'd be happy hardly seeing him for most of the year because he got a private education...

The logic is totally messed up here.

I see- your real problem is that your son can’t go and live with dad rather than the private school. The £400 child maintenance that you currently get would help pay the fees, especially when your child maintenance to him was added.
I assume that the younger one is near the £5k and the older one £10k hence the range.