Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

Interesting it seems you would rather put your own child in a boarding school in a different country, all for the sake of it being labelled 'private', than bring him up yourself, going to a state school.
You couldn't pay me to put my child into boarding abroad, and delegate their upbringing like that.
French private schools are nothing like english ones, they are cheap, and generally only private because they are catholic. The state schools are almost always better, and the teachers are better qualified in state schools. You don't understand the market, and you sound both snobby and misguided to me.

OP stayed the French mother is funding half of younger child's fees. Father is funding all elder child's fees and half younger child's fees.

If you share custody 50/50 then your ex actually doesn’t have to pay you any child maintenance

You are being totally ridiculous. Private schooling in the UK costs so much more than other countries. Do you really want your child to live away from you just so they can be in a “private” school? Sounds like you really resent your ex moving on.

I have read through your replies, and what I can’t get past is that you said you can offer 7500 max as your contribution to your son going to France for school but are now saying that you want your ex to give you extra money to help your dc have extra curricular activities because he said he can’t afford to send dc to private school.
So why don’t you use that ‘spare’ money and do these extras for dc, so that it makes up anyway for the gap you say there is? I appreciate you wanting parity but I think that u may need to let this go and rethink your whole approach and thinking about this. Best of luck with everything.

Quite. And I think we should cut the new wife some slack - a lot of us stepmums don't find our step children particularly easy, even though we try hard, and the thought of having one come to stay for a year isn't great!

Even if the step-child is easy, no sensible adult thinks it is right to take them away from the parent they grew up with unless there is something wrong with how they are being treated.

I cannot in a million years imagine prioritising my child going to "private school" over actually having them with me. Complete bizarre. How could you stand it?

Wow! You're child really doesn't need this sense of entitlement instilled in him.

I can see why you feel your son is not being given the same advantages, but o a practical level uprooting him now might cause more problems and may not take that feeling away.

Why not suggest instead that your Ex starts a savings account for your son now to help pay for university fees or career training when they do leave school. You could research suitable funds and send it to him.
This fund would build up over time but would cost less initially, but it would give your son a good nest egg... and lessen the burden on you when he's trying to pay his way while he studies.
It would also be a strong argument to the ex as well as it would be helping to pay towards educational costs in a more affordable way and your son would feel that he was getting a more equal treatment if he knew about it.

If your son is already settled in his UK school, would you really want him to up sticks and learn in France for most of the year which would put him at a disadvantage? And does he feel hard done by because of the way the Ex's family behave about going to private school?

If his wife is paying for her children to go to private school it's really none of your business.

£5k a year works out at about £417 a month ... The amount the OP receives from her ex

Since the OP says they have 50/50 care of their child and he spends all holidays with his dad etc then it's possible that the OP is not actually entitled to any CMS and it could be argued that the £400 he sends every month accounts for the £5k he spends on his other children's education in France, if the OP chooses not to spend that on his education or put it in savings for university then that is her decision but he is providing the same amount to each of the children.

When ExDH and I split up we were living in Spain, he moved back to the UK but DD spent 70% of every holiday with ExDH and he would come over every month or so and spend the weekend with her during term time so he didn't need to pay me any CMS but he would still send €200 a month. If I'd needed to pay DDs school fees then that €200 would have pretty much covered that (fees were €250 a month but DD had a free place as the child of a teacher) but as I didn't need to pay them I used it towards extra activities for DD over and above my own budget.

"Ha! I sent my kid away from home to go and live in France. I win!!"......

I’m sure you’ve considered this, but is your child actually upset about not seeing his father more frequently, but fixing on the school issue is an easier way for him to express this ? He’s at the age where Dad’s can become their heroes, even if Mum has been #1 up ‘til then. It might be that he’s not even realised this himself. Is the envy really the school, or the time with Dad? And therefore is there something you can do about that ?

It seems enormously petty that you would rather send your son to France to live for most of the year, just so that his father has to pay his school fees. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!

Rubbish.
The wife is using her savings which has sfa to do with the OP.

I'm surprised a 13 year old would want to change schools. Is he not happy with the school? Are you not happy with it?
Dd3 goes to a private school on a full bursary and I didn't want her to go as even with that I knew it would be a struggle. She said it wasn't fair for her not to go as her other 3 siblings (full) had gone - when we could afford it - so we agreed. To be honest I think she'd have done fine at our local secondary school (though it does require improvement according to its recent Ofsted report).
Is the education so good at the French private school you'd prefer to only see him in the holidays. Ask his father to help pay for a tutor if necessary.

I have four children, eldest at non-private secondary school, second child at private secondary school and two youngest at primary school (and no intention to send them to private school). Private school meets the needs of our second child, needs the other three do not have. As long as you are happy with the school your child is at then I don’t see why it should bother you. It’s a decision him and his wife made regarding their children, a decision you didn’t feel
necessary when your own child started secondary. If you had wanted private education and he refused I would say you had a right to be annoyed. Your child may be experiencing feelings of envy towards their siblings family unit, in particular missing their dad and is using this scenario to express this.

I was thinking this, too.

See if you qualify for more child support. It still wouldn't be enough to send your child to private school, but you'd be able to spend more on them in other ways (clothes, computer etc)

Whatever your ex spends on the education of his children with his second wife, he should send the same amount of money to further the education of your son. It's then up to you if you use that as a contribution towards private schooling here in the UK, or spend it on tutors/extracurricular activities. One child of the family should not be financially advantaged in their education above another.

OP, the services provided by private schools in France are absolutely nothing like the concept of private schools in the UK.
They basically offer the same services as public schools, for a nominal fee. In some cities, the academic standards are LOWER in the private schools - after all, in France th teacher qualifications are less stringent for private school teachers and the exams attract all the candidates who failed for the public school exams.

However, the atmosphere can be (a bit) more nurturing / some times for reasons of proximity, families choose them.

Your comparison is utterly invalid.

I was educated in France and in the city where I grew up, the private schools attracted families from catholic backgrounds. However, both of the "elite" high schools in town were public, and had far better success rates in exams.

In other cities, it's the opposite, but it's really luck of the draw. I imagine that in your mind, the word "private" evokes images of rowing and rugby pitches and art exhibitions on the walls. In France, it will often be very old buildings with tiny concrete playgrounds (smaller than the public school alternative), possibly slightly smaller classroom sizes, but rigidly exactly the same curriculum / options as in the public school. Possibly fewer options for languages and art subjects as those are offered in the much larger Public Schools.
Music, sport etc are all done OUT of school in one's free time in France, and those are not offered in private schools.

Honestly my DD (now 19) got 9s, 8s & 7s in her GCSEs then 3 x A * in her A Levels at her local secondary school. She's now doing Chemistry at Uni & got a 1st at the end of her 1st year there. Why are you so obsessed with private education?? & why would you want to uproot your kid & miss out on these precious years together. Sorry I just don't get it.

OP I think you have been given some good advice . I was bought up bilingual - my parents also paid for me to be tutored privately in their native language . Although you claim your son speaks French fluently …. unless you speak the language yourself … how do you accurately assess this ? If at 13 my parents sent me back to their native country , sure my conversational skills may have been adäquate but I doubt I would have qualified for a university entrance . I think you are too caught up in what the other children are doing tbh

have told my child that those things aren't important, and that they could take extra-curricular and tutoring to make up for what they feel like they're losing out on; hence the demand for extra child support to help afford this to them
So you've told your child they can take these extra-curricular activities and tutoring without an agreement for extra child support? Now that your ex has said no, what's your next move? To tell your child that now they cannot do what you promised because their father won't pay for it?

Or are you simply going to pay without any fuss. I mean, why aren't you already if you feel your child could do with tutoring and extra curriculars?
This game you are playing is so very transparent 🙄

Your son isn't spontaneously feeling left out or hard done by; you've taught him to feel that way. Stop it
So much this.
So your child learnt his siblings were moving schools? Sounds like normal catch up conversation. I can just imagine how your obsession with this has been used to influence your child. YOU had the power to explain what a non issue it is due to the differences in the two countries. Instead you're making promises about getting their father to 'make up' for it. In other words, you are using your own anger to ensure your child feels it is unfair to them.
And I don't, for a minute, believe you'd send your child to France to go to school. You counted on their father saying no so you had something else you could complain about (and ensure your child knows about)
Though, if your child wants to go live with their father maybe it's time to get serious about the conversations to make that happen rather than just weaponising your kid that way you seem to be. Then you can contribute to half the costs and stop feeling so hard done by 🤷‍♀️

I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot
That's because it is petty/vengeful as you well know. And don't dismiss me by referring me to your replies as you've done to other posters. I've read each one and I can assure you that I understand completely.

You've said your child spends all holidays in France so who pays for all the travel and associated costs? Considering you've said your finances haven't always been great, I'm highly doubtful it's a 50/50 split. Your resentment, anger and jealousy wouldn't allow it to be I'm sure

He does though ... He send £400 which is £4.8k a year, which is around the £5k a year he is paying for his other children.

The OP says they have an arrangement where the child spends pretty much any non term time with their dad which would reduce any CMS payments. I would think that it would work out that, in CMS terms, under the circumstances £100 a week would be on the higher end of the OPs entitlement anyway