Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

Why are people in this thread pretending to be oblivious to all the advantages afforded to children in private schools? From eduction, to extra curricular, to networking and so much more. Most children who go to unis like Oxford, or have better paying positions as adults went to private schools. Or even when it comes to GCSE and A-level results - aren't the ones from private schools better on average?

We've not pretending to be oblivious - many people are saying that private school in France is not the same advantage as private school in the UK. You could shut down a load of the counter-arguments if you can post some evidence that French private school affords a comparable advantages to UK private schools?

It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you what he does with his other children. As long as he is looking after your shared child and paying his way, then you have no reason whatsoever to compare. How do you know his 'new' wife doesn't have pots of money?

@1Rebecca

You’re being ludicrous.

In France fees can be under £1,000 as they are subsidised by the state, the highest would be about £7,000 a year but they are in the minority. The cost is subsidised by the government.

https://www.connexionfrance.com/article/Practical/Your-Questions/Family/Why-are-private-school-fees-in-France-usually-cheaper-than-the-UK

In the U.K. it is £15,000 a year average going up to £40,000.

If his wife is contributing and the cost is minimal then you don’t have a leg to stand on with this argument.

I would find out the name of the school and what their charges are before you go getting too overexcited.

But OP firstly that is not true for private schools in France so it's not a like for like comparison.
Of course you want good chances for your DS but you haven't said whether he's really academic for example. If he is, he may weirdly have a better chance for Oxbridge at a decent state because they are desperately trying to rebalance.intake so if he can get good grades at state they'll probably be delighted to accept.him!
If he moves to France now then he'll not be resident in UK so then he won't be eligible for lower UK uni fees !
If you want him to have the best possible chances in life, consider very carefully what a French school offers. A private school in France is not the same as UK and your son may not thrive. He may
.. I don't know. But please don't assume that private French will confer all these advantages you are after. He may struggle academically and especially struggle with a transition to UK uni afterwards depending on subject etc

Right, now consider how many children in the UK actually go to a fee paying school. Whilst I was wrong to say that most Oxbridge students come from private school, I was correct to assume/imply that they disproportionately favour privately educated children.

You want him to live to France and go to private school. You paying half of his school fees is something you would need to pay because it’s your preference.

What about living costs? Non resident parents pay towards living costs of the child in the resident parents house. So you should be paying towards that as well.

Sorry OP I'm still not getting your point.

I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling
I have trouble believing this. You would suddenly choose to send your child to live abroad over this?

This. This should be the focus.

For me I would be crossed with your ex (- that's why I said you are not being unreasonable -) for not telling you about this beforehand and letting your child find out like this. Regardless of whether the private schools in the UK or France are comparable - he has handled this very badly.

Siblings compare themselves - and especially half siblings who rightly or wrongly may be feeling abandoned by a parent who has set up a new life (relatively fast it seems given there are only 3 years between your child and his first born with his new wife!)

There’s a huge difference between what you think he should do, and what he’ll actually do. Regardless of whether you’re right or wrong in your requests, he can say no. That’s what you’ll have to accept.

You can’t force him to take your son full time. You can’t force him to pay for private schooling. You would at the very least struggle to get more out of him in terms of child support.

How is your child doing in school? Were you happy enough before you heard this stuff? I can't understand the obsession with private school in the UK (not the norm at all where i am). If your child was doing well before this, they can continue to do well.

Agreed. It seems like this is not about a child's needs at all

Sounds like you just want more 💰.

Why are people in this thread pretending to be oblivious to all the advantages afforded to children in private schools? From eduction, to extra curricular, to networking and so much more. Most children who go to unis like Oxford, or have better paying positions as adults went to private schools. Or even when it comes to GCSE and A-level results - aren't the ones from private schools better on average?

@1Rebecca that is the case in the U.K. in France the private schools are subsidised by the state and have to follow the same syllabus as dictated and so forth.

In the U.K. they will have the standard education but they have a tonne on top and usually, wealthy parents who can afford private tuition on top of the school, as well as the best life experiences and extracurricular activities which all feeds into academic attainment.

It is like you are trying to compare a banana and a sheep.

I’m afraid you’re coming across as incredibly grabby and envious.

In all honesty, if I were your ex-husband, I would be counting down the days until the shared child turns 18 and my finances are no longer any of your business.

I partly agree with you, except that his finances are no longer any of her business and haven't been since they signed the financial agreement in their divorce.

The advantages of private school education in the UK are relevant for the type of private school found in the UK. It isn’t relevant for any private school anywhere in the world. Private school does not mean the same in France as in England. You don’t seem to be understanding this.

Is your ex living in central Paris or sending the kids to bilingual or international schools? If not, it is highly likely that the fees are well under 2k and means tested. My kids are in private school in France, in a well to do area and we pay 1.5k but you could pay as little as 600 depending on income.

We send them there as our state sector school is bottom of the heap, mainly as we are in a rural area. It is nothing like UK private schools in terms of extra curriculars, networking etc. Generally, what you get is religion classes, and ours is stricter in terms of more timetabled hours and behaviour and the teachers don't seem to strike as much. Lots of rural private schools have terrible reputations and some non religious private schools not supported by the state (hors-contrat) have absolutely no oversight and are atrocious places to send kids.

France and the UK are completely different countries with totally different educational and social systems and you are comparing apples with oranges.

I’d definitely ask him for more money - he’s giving you roughly 6k a year at the moment… that’s just over amount he’s spending on his other kids for their school. Let alone anything else.

he’s not telling you how much he earns as he knows he’s underpaying.

it’s not fair and YNBU!

Re, difference in fees - I presume you know fees for Lycee Charles de Gaulle (Knightsbridge) would be about £8,000 p.a. for a child of yours' age but a good 'English' private school in London would be toward £30,000 p.a.- so presume you can deduce private schools in France are also a lot cheaper.

Why would a child be upset.
If they are getting a good schooling why is he comparing.

Where is this coming from.

Don't make your child feel inadequate or second class.

He says the new wife is paying from savings. There's no way of knowing if that's true

Absolutely ridiculous thread.

-Does your son have such strong feelings about changing school? Most kids would hate that. Or is it you stoking up your agenda of "Dad spends SO much more on the others than on you"?

-Private school in France has NOTHING to do with the UK system: it's a uniform and smaller classes for around 5k. a year.

-Have you suggested that YOU will pay 50% of the UK fees for your son, which will be 25-45k/year? Didn't think so.

This!
OP you haven't established that the school the siblings go to is better. You are just assuming that because of how the system works in the UK. Your child's dad might feel he needs to pay for this to ensure his new kids education is equivalent to that of his older child