Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

I think you are over generalising and accepting a stereotype! My dc all went/ go to private school and have no problems communicating with anyone. The eldest two are both Cambridge graduates and have no problem mixing with their working class relatives. The eldest is a doctor and has always got top marks for her people skills.

This! How can you care about this so much? You're making your son think he's hard done by. Madness.

If the child goes to school in the UK, he’s only spending 13 weeks in France, so the £400 is for living expenses for the other 39 weeks of the year.

I think you are looking for things to be upset and angry about. There has to be a back story here.

State schools in the UK can be very good. When you do a like for like comparison, kids for a state school background often do better at University than kids for a private school background. The private school does advantage kids in getting places, though.

But the main point is, how did your DS become so upset? I can't imagine any kid I know being overcome with a burning deire to go to private school unless someone (you, OP?) was feeding a sense of resentment. This could damage him longterm. Make it clear to him that the school systems are very different, that his half-siblings are not getting a massive advantage over him and that his dad loves him - he needs to know that. And that you do - you seem very willing and eager to be rid of him, tbh.

OP, your ex seems to have a point about you being petty - at least in the sense of being a bit spiteful. You are clearly driven by anger - you have a million responses for everything in this thread.

Private schools and the school tiering in France are so different to the same in the UK. If all children having exactly the same schooling in form (and not necessarily in substance) means that much to you, you should move to France. That way, you’ll have your DC with you, your ex will support your DC’s private schooling fees and there would be no need to try to persuade your ex and his wife to have your DC live with them.

OP I think the best advice you've had here is to talk to a French expert in child support and see what they say regarding your entitlement to increased child support.
And to let your ex know that your child is feeling a disparity and this is something he needs to address

One child of the family should not be financially advantaged in their education above another.

Utter bullshit given the "new" children's education is being funded by THEIR mother.

It's not though. The ex claims his wife is paying half the fees for the second child. Theres no way of knowing whether this is true or not. But she certainly isn't paying the whole thing!

What he pays for the elder child is probably how much he pays child maintenance anyway.

@1Rebecca
In fairness if you ex works long hours different hours, it would then be up to his new wife to do the childcare of your son that's prop why she dosnt want contact to change, rightly so she dosnt want to take on a 13 year old for most of the time your ex would be working, so your ex saying no to having him full time is that he doesn't want his wife to be the main carer as its not her job.

MooMooMoo has an InferiorityInferiorityInferiority Complex!

Comparison is the thief of joy!

Why should she talk to a French expert? The child lives in the uk so they are entitled to British cms.

Because the ex lives in France and it would be good for the OP to know what is considered reasonable maintenance there. Plus the CMS probably can't enforce payments from someone living outside the UK but a French court could, if the OP claimed child support via the French system.

He pays the same as schooling his other kids costs. He has his son for all the holidays.
Money is not the issue here. The son feels he’s missing out and an extra £100 a month or whatever will make zero difference to that.

Is your child really struggling in school? Do they want to change schools? Are they unhappy? Have they no friends? Do they want to go and live with their Dad, step mother and half siblings in France? Were you and your child upset because their half-siblings have a much nicer experience of school? If the answer is YES to those questions then maybe your ex should be spending as much on schooling for your child, but if the answer is NO then all is good! Dad is letting his English kid be happy in a good free state school and paying for his French kids to go to a good school they are happy in. It's about how suitable and available the provision is. Suppose had money and you had a 3 year old and a 15 year old who both wanted bikes and needed shoes: would you make the 15 year old ride a tiny trike or the 3 year old ride a huge bike, because you could find a decent bike that was as cheap as a decent trike, or a trike that was as expensive as a huge bike? Would you say the 15 year old could have 1 pair of supermarket school shoes, because even if you buy the 3 year old high end wellies, slippers and trainers, they wouldn't add up to the same as decent quality school shoes for the 15 year old? My guess is you wouldn't, you buy them both something that worked for them even if one cost significantly more than the other. This is the same idea, your husband is spending different amounts on his kids' education, because a decent education cost different amounts in the two countries. That's fair.

This. DS private school is in an old building. PE is done at an outside gymnasium one morning, which means an hour for me stuck in rush hour traffic taking DS directly there as not easily accessible by public transport. Tiny playground. They do offer an additional LV as well as the French and English (bilingual school). No way comparable to a UK private school.

What he pays for the elder child is probably how much he pays child maintenance anyway

Maintenance is a contribution to living costs. It's not the same as paying school fees when there is schooling available free of charge. This is a parent who is treating his children differently.

Clearly you’ve missed the numerous posts explaining that education is different in France. Maybe RTFT?

OP you would be swapping one type of unfairness for another far more damaging one. The stepmother does not want him there. You would be exposing him to daily contact with the small but hurtful differences between the way mothers treat their own children and their stepchildren. If she was the earth mother uber-welcoming one big happy family type, she'd have said yes what a great idea send him over.

He would resent you forever. Instead if you plough your energies into making your son feel as secure and loved as possible with you, he will respect you a lot more and come to his own conclusions about his father's life choices when he is older.

As a single parent myself, still on good terms with my ex/the children's dad, I think you're being unreasonable.

You're no longer together. He fulfils the agreement that was made re visitation and child support. Just because his situation changed doesn't mean the agreement does.

I have a feeling if his situation had changed in the other direction and he had less money, you wouldn't change your agreement to allow him to give you less child support.

Life changes and so do circumstances.
You were presumably happy with the school your child’s attending before you knew this.

Why are you making yourself so miserable over the education of children that really has nothing to do with you.

Obviously their children have the advantage of the current finances of him and his new wife and whilst I personally think the arrangement you already have seems ok, clearly you need to re discuss this with him.