Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

Good point. I hadn't thought about that.

I think it’s shit he left his child.

But it’s not relevant in this situation. Many people mive to their home countries when a relationship breaks down.

But even if he stayed here and had more kids it would never be equal.

Your child is a teenager. Old enough to understand there’s huge differences.

If it’s a case of ‘well they have that so I want it’ you need to help him understand that’s not healthy.

and if he wanted to live there anyway, why has that not been discussed already? Rather than when you have assumed he must have loads of money?

Doesn’t sound as if his Dad abandoned him if he spends most of his holidays in France. If he goes to school there, he will want to spend his school holidays there too and you’ll see very little of him. Is that what you really want ?

All of your posts have been about what you want OP...

My heart would break if my child wanted to move country to live with their dad. I can’t believe you are actually pushing for this to happen just to prove a point about ‘equality’ 🤯

If your son has financial needs that are not being met, that’s a separate conversation that needs to happen with his dad.

But pushing your child to move abroad to live with a woman who doesn’t want him, just so he can have exactly what his step siblings have, whether or not he needs it, is just crazy.

Time with your child is VALUABLE.
Enjoy and cherish this time.
He needs you more than a private school in France. Be there when he comes home from school Listen talk and hug him.
Value this time and bond.

Stop comparing and value what is important.

Time with your precious child.

Yes, that's thing too, the money is so low if he can afford to spend that much on the schooling of the other children. I can't take him to CMS since I don't know is annual income, nor his company of employment. I doubt they can do anything anyways. But like I said earlier, paying £100 more can be used to support our child outside school, regarding tutoring/extra-curricular to even out the disparity in the quality of education between the children.

People also keep saying that I'm so blinded by jealousy to have my child stay with a woman who doesn't like them and this isn't the case. They get along well, and they always have. But from my impression, she just doesn't want the agreement to change.

And why would you send your child to live with someone who has made it clear they don’t want him full-time?

That could be so damaging for him, yet totally avoidable.

You are the adult.

The parent.

Encouraging the child to move to france with a woman who does not want him will damage him for life.

Get a a grip and stop the bitterness.

The French school system is pretty horrible OP. it’s perfectly good in terms of curriculum and academic outcomes for motivated kids, but it’s also it’s fucking oppressive in terms of timetables and letting kids express themselves. Still very much into rote-learning and essay structure over ideas. Form above content and conformity above self expression.

@1Rebecca Are you serious? Your child is 13, he’s understandably slightly unsettled by a difference with his half siblings but instead of reassuring him that you’ve made good choices for him at home and that private education not always better and is more accessible in France you're getting caught up in it? It’s insane to me that you could let him make such a big change and such a key time for him out of a feeling of envy.
Even if he paid for your son to go to a private school their lives would still not be ‘fair’ as he would be in a different country to his mother and have left all his school friends and community behind. Let him live in France when he is older if he still wants to.

Well of course I'd be paying, but not £400? If I can't to pay the full tuition fee in France of £10k, just half, where would that extra money come from? In all honesty, I'd pay what I should pay in accordance to the CMS calculator. I suspect that he should be paying more than £400, and he know it, hence why he won't tell me his yearly wages, which is fine as long as he pays a little extra in response to this matter.

So by this logic you think he should be paying for half the fees and all the day to day costs of having his child living with him... Whilst you pay approximately a few thousand a year and wash your hands of your child....

Is his current school rubbish. Do you know enough about the private schools n France to know if they do provide a better education? Surely it's more about the school to fit the child. Even here in the uk not all private schools are automatically better than state.

Why don't you ask him for some extra money for some specific stuff eg tutoring or extra curricular rather than just "more money".

YANBYU, but it’s not a comparison. The problem is the maintenance- it’s sweet FA. If he can afford for his new wife ti stay home and pay 2 lots of school fees in France, even though it’s cheaper, he needs to up his game

Why not get maintenance sorted via court if you feel short changed?

You need to teach your son that life’s not fair, and how to deal with it. At the moment you’re adding fuel to a fire. Ok you feel aggrieved but you’re fucking up your kid. Deal with this better and stop being bitter.

This. Also you have no pointed it out very clear to your child that the others have it better. Now that will change how they see the other siblings thier father but most sad of all themselves. I'm not sure what you thought you were accomplishing except hurting your child.

If I were you I’d try to contact a French family lawyer and find out how child maintenance works there. The amount, how it’s payed especially between countries, how they figure the amount, etc. all the info. If it seems you’d be able to go for higher maintenance and it would be enforced, do it! He should be supporting your son better.

Unless it’s a 50/50 French and English bilingual school, private catholic schools are cheap, like around 1000 euro for the entire year. So not comparable to uk schools.

After seeing all the posts, I understand that I'm coming off as unreasonable. But Im not a bad parent, I definitely did not for one moment encourage this thought process. This was all discussed with the father, in the post I only said that they expressed their wishes to go private school with their siblings, and that I discussed this with my ex. I have told my child that those things aren't important, and that they could take extra-curricular and tutoring to make up for what they feel like they're losing out on; hence the demand for extra child support to help afford this to them. I don't think that's all for me at all. Almost all the money goes towards my child - savings, food, clothes etc., and so will the extra support. It's not fair of you all to bash me as a parent because I'm upset with what I consider to be large inequities between them and their siblings. I have a right to be upset, it doesn't make me a money grabber. I even held off from mentioning this matter with my ex until now, despite knowing for months.

I would ask him to fund either tutoring or extracurricular activities for your child instead of worrying about private school. Then your child will see their dad paying towards an more rounded or personalized education than UK state school can provide and will feel less sidelined. But they won’t have to deal with French school culture.

Lot of 2nd wives here who clearly believe their kids deserve preferential treatment. So sad,there must be a lot of stepchildren out their that feel 2nd best.

Why not CMS in addition to school fees?