Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

Not to mention sheer grabbiness to the point of shipping a son off to live in an entirely different country, just so the ex can keep up with the current joneses.

I don’t think it’ll be such a horrible adjustment.

So when your son is with his dad in France you don't think he misses you?

Would your DS really be happy and willing to change schools here in the UK, just because it’s private, and be separated from his friends ?

Where is here? If it's England, then yes I can understand this, but that's why I feel that my ex should accommodate to him in France, to pay more child support with all his money.

I know that your son is fluent but would be cope with say maths lessons in French ?
I am bilingual but educated in English speaking schools so would find academic lessons in my other language tough.

Have you considered the cost of private schools in France and the UK?
Although no fees are payable to attend a public school, that is not the case with a private lycée, which inevitably means that a degree of social selection takes place.Where a private school is under contract with the French state their fees will be set at relatively modest levels. These are usually considerably lower than those encountered in many other EU countries. Fees vary by school and region and few private schools publish their tariffs openly. You need to contact the school to obtain their fee structure and a pre-inscription pack.However, as a general rule, for schools under contract expect to pay between €750 and €1,200 a year in the provinces. In Paris and the Île-de-France, expect to pay considerably moreHe could be paying as little as €750 A YEAR in France.

All his money?

I can't see a response from you - are you willing to pay your ex £400 a month and half the school fees if he was to move to France?

I don't think it's fair to call the OP grabby just because she wants what she sees as equity between her son and the dad's other children. Or to wonder if he can afford these fees because he's skimping on child support for her son.

It will be a massive adjustment.

Visiting in school holidays is very different to actually living there.

I can’t work out wether you are just attempting to wind people up.
or you are so jealous you can’t see the issue clearly and really think it’s better for your son to live in another country most of the time so you feel it’s equal.

Or actually, you just don’t want primary residency of your child anymore

Why don't you relocate to France and pay private school fees ?

And of course you would pay your ex CS on top of school fees contribution?

Sorry OP but yes your being unreasonable and also rather petty!

As others have pointed out the systems aren't comparable and your also talking about uprooting your son just because his siblings go to a different school system in a different country.

You would be far better asking what he's going to contribute for potential university fees for your DS then trying to push this issue and also tear up your child's entire support network etc on the basis of jealousy.

I appreciate it must be difficult having a co-parent in another country but I just cannot get my head around you asking for your child to move there - I feel like I’d do anything to avoid being parted from my kids for that much of the year!

Are you unhappy with your child’s current school?

OK so then just tell your ex you no longer accept responsibility for your son and he'll have to cope with him. If that's what you want.
Of course maybe think about your DS and how he will feel about not seeing his primary carer, losing all his friends, going to a school in French (do you know how hard it is to switch language for school?) And completely changing the education system (to a baccalaureate rather than A levels). You'll set him back a year I'd say education wise.

If that's what you want then just tell your Ex you no longer wish to be primary carer.

It's not so much the problem with subjects being taught in a different language - it's the fact that you're breezily suggesting he should be sent to France all year, to live with a woman who doesn't want him, and he would therefore hardly see you.

In all honesty, it's not as though our child hasn't expressed interest in spending a year or so in France with them. If he has the added benefit of having private education why not? I think it's worth mentioning that our child was the one who was upset regarding this in the first place, and it's normal of a child his age to feel left out. You guys don't even consider, that he left with his wife who was born here, to move back to his country, France, despite our child being born first. Why doesn't that count as him abandoning our child? Why is it wrong for him to treat his kids fairly?

The OP wants to send her kid to live in France simply so he can get the private education his siblings are getting. Fuck his GCSEs, fuck whether he will miss his friends and family, fuck whether he wants to move schools and countries...

Literally no part of the OPs posts are about what is best for her son only about how she can get her hands on her ex's money ...

I conveniently don't see her offering to pay £400 a month in support if he lives with his dad...

The 2 fee systems are completely polar opposites in terms of costs.

CMS has no jurisdiction over non resident parents living out of the jurisdiction
In these circumstances only the court (here) has jurisdiction over child maintenance.

I don't know about France specifically, but we have educated one child privately in UK and one child privately in Denmark, and the cost was over 20 times higher in the UK (not boarding for either). Private education also has a completely different purpose in Europe (we split our homes between Germany and UK for a while too) with it often not considered so elite as it is here.
In any case there's nothing you can do about it all. Having put them both through it, I'm unconvinced about any of it.

Out of interest, did you meet him in England? Where was your DS born?

Op please answer if you’d be paying your ex maintenance should your son go and live with him…

In all honesty, it's not as though our child hasn't expressed interest in spending a year or so in France with them

But does he know his step mother doesn't want him there?

Why don't you ask for a compromise - that your Ex ups your maintenance and then your son can choose extra club/s or tuition if he needs it.