Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

What a horrible way to stir things up.

Jealous and pettiness are not a good example to your son.

£100 a week is a good whack for child maintenance, you might end up getting a lot less if you go digging.

Every country’s private school system set up is different. I am in Australia and private schools get government funding, which depends on factors such the family’s postcode, student disability and if the student is of First Nation heritage among others. An old, high fee elite private school would get maybe 15% funding per student but a private school in a low income area could get as much as 75% per student and then the rest of it is paid by parents in fees or scholarships.
A third of Australian students attend private schools too - so it’s a much bigger system. I work in one and my opinion is that they aren’t necessarily any better than state schools, it depends on the area you live in and the quality of your local state school. At the private school where I work, many of the students have a disability and the parents send them because the school is smaller, classes are smaller and they fit in better socially etc. They aren’t as elite as in the UK and France sounds more like our system from other posters’ experiences.
I would just focus on your child’s specific needs. If extra tutoring is needed just bring out the school reports for the relevant subject and discuss with your ex about how the cost can be shared. Don’t link it to his other kids and whether or not they go to private school. In our school we even have some families who send one of their kid to the state school close to home and the other kid to a private, because it’s a better fit for the child and that works for their budget.

Why would you send your son to live with a stepmother who doesn't want him?

Also if your ex did agree for some reason to have your child, and send him your a French private school, you would lose £4800 in CM as he wouldn't be living with you.

You say you can afford £7500 per year, but minus £4800 from that first.....

No. It was aimed at the poster who said she could be be paying anything because she wasn’t earning

Just because you have made up a solution, to you that is, does not mean it will happen

You must realise this

@1Rebecca -filter this thread so just your posts show and re-read them their entirety. You may then see the uercurrent of bitterness, envy and lack of clear thinking depriving in your posts on this thread that other posters are picking up on. I hope you work through this without further damage to your son's self esteem

I’ve skimmed through your posts OP (not read all the replies).

Is this really about the school or the quality of education? Or more the perception of your son that he’s not having as much spent on him or his dad is not being fair?

If your son is happy in his current school then there’s no need at all to change. Even this sudden interest in additional extra-curricular activities seems a bit, dunno, off target. Were you considering those before you knew about the fee-paying school in France? Not trying to be goady, genuine question.

I guess I’m trying to see where a 13 year old would get the sense that just because they were paying for fees for the other two that this means he’s not getting “equal treatment”. Apples are not being compared with apples, and you an your ex need to help him see that, not try to up the monetary element to compensate, otherwise I think there’ll be a whole host of other “it’s not fair” incidents to come in the future.

My sense is that perhaps there is something else at play here. That perhaps your son is jealous or envious (which is perfectly understandable, blended families are complicated) about “dad’s other family and their cool life in France” in which he’s only a visitor and it’s not his permanent life and he’s looking through rose tinted specs thinking it might be this wonderful jolly up with the other kids getting treated more than he is.

TBH It sounds like you all have a great relationship with the kids best interests at heart, and a set up that generally works logistically. But it is inevitable that confused feelings can come into play. My dad met a wonderful new partner a couple of years after he and my mum split. She was nothing but the sweetest kindest most thoughtful person ever, but I still resented her. Now we have a great relationship and I think I’d struggle to articulate why I was so anti her, but as a pre-teen I just was.

So I just wonder if this is really about the school, or a perception for your son that his dad is favouring the other two? I think I’d focus on checking that point before embarking on a battle with exh about extra maintenance for more hobbies.

If I was paying for it, yes, i would give my children preferential treatment

I agree with this 1000 percent. And of course it's human nature to feel bit bitter or upset but now it's affecting ds. I notice there is not much age gap between ds and the new children. Is it the new wife was ow and tha make this sting worse?

I think I can see where your child is coming from, as a child of similar but very different background (I didn’t live with my parents but my younger full siblings did. Also lived in different countries).
If you talk to them about the pros and cons of living their current life and what they THINK life with the other will be like they might see things differently. Then as they get older they might learn that their younger half siblings were also jealous of their life. (I hope this makes sense, I am very jet lagged)

further, the average salary in France is about €40k (or it was in 2022).
Given what you have said about your sons situation (spends all his time off school in France, 2 siblings that live with dad…) I put it into the CMS calculator (with child staying 52-103 nights per year with dad) and his salary would have to be around £60k (or €69.8) for you to get £419.55 per month in CMS.

To add to that you want £100 more his father would have to be on £75k (€87.3) per annum so far above the French average.

I hope you and your son will find peace with how things are soon.
I also advise you to make it very clear to your son that if he’d move to France and he would have to study in French that he would most likely find it extremely difficult. I say this from experience (moving to my home country at 16 and I still can’t do maths in my native language without hesitating) and as a teacher.

Is it in your child's best interests to switch schools, lose all their friends and consistency of education when you were previously happy with it anyway?

The private school system and costs are clearly wildly different to those here to, so you are suggesting your child get pears when their half siblings get apples in the name of them 'all getting the same treatment' which is a utterly bullshit comparison.

Or is this really about you getting into a pissing contest with your ex and having a stick to beat him with, without actually thinking about what you are demanding and the impact on your child.

It just sounds like you are being difficult for the sake of it, to be completely blunt.

Someone upthread suggested your ds does prepa after A levels. I think maybe you missed it. https://www.sieben.fr/2014/01/02/prepa/. This lasts 2 and a maximum of 3 years and if successful your ds could study at a Grande Ecole, which are basically elite universities… it is very very competitive. If not successful at the exams, the time there would prepare him for normal university.

Normal university has different levels. Someone else upthread also mentioned your ds could go to the Sorbonne for free. My dh went to the Sorbonne, which is normal university (didn’t try for GE) but seen as the French equivalent of Oxford / Cambridge. If your ds is bright, he could do the same for example.

Alternatively, if you do only want to send your ds for a year to French school, the obvious time to do this would be post GCSE. Your ds could do a year in seconde, which is the first year of Lycée (high school). Lycée lasts 3 years. Seconde is actually the equivalent of year 11 so he’d be going back a year, which is fine to do in France as repeating the year is common there. Seconde would probably serve him better than going into his year group, especially if he did get on well and wanted to stay for the full 3 years.

Idk if he’d be able to stay at his dad’s house for this, it seems unlikely from what you’re saying. However, Lycée students when I was teaching in a state school in France many moons ago used to be able to live independently in off site student accommodation. There were a few students from rural areas and some from overseas French territories.

If you have 7.5k to spend on education a year, I’d probably save that and use it for education in France or bank it for post 16 private uk school. Perhaps your ex will be willing to put money towards one of these options.

My dd changed from state to private school in year 9. The fees are about 15k. She’s sitting her GCSEs this year. She chose a school, which does have entrance exams but the pass mark is pretty easy so isn’t competitive. This is the right environment for her and she’s been given a provisional offer to a competitive school, which in the end, I don’t think she’s going to go for as she enjoys the more nurturing element of her current school.

The most important thing is that your ds’s mental health at school is good and he does well in his exams. If he’s in top sets for most things, state school can be a dream and in my dd’s former state school, the top set kids had certain perks, additional scholastic trips and were encouraged to do D of E. Get him to take advantage of all these things.

My dd was not in those sets and not performing well at her former state school. She has a medical condition and stopped coping and needed her current environment to perform well academically and had no way of pushing herself out of these sets whereas private school has allowed to reach her potential and realise she is really good in subjects such as French, maths and physics. She also has completed her bronze and almost finished silver D of E. If your ds is doing well, he really doesn’t need to be moved and should complete his time where he is.

@Chickenkeev

From what I know (not a teacher but a lot of teaching friends/family/friends living in different regions)…

Some of the state schools in England are horrific; kids being violent, abusive, throwing chairs at staff and worse. Even if the staff are good, the behaviour is so bad in some that it’s difficult to get class control and actually teach them. Know two people who have been traumatised and had to leave jobs in these sorts of schools.

I think this is why it is such a huge issue with pressure to pay because the standards of education vary so vastly across state/comp.

In other U.K. regions things seem to be on more of an even keel, less pressure to pay private (and indeed not as many schools). As in England you will get people paying through the nose to live in areas within catchment of very good to outstanding schools which then excludes others as they can’t afford the house prices.

Because the wife would not want her stepson all year around. It is not only your ex decision to make. He has not abandoned your child. He pays maintenance and takes him on holidays. Also, you need to be careful your son does not grow up resentful because he needs to accept the situation is different with school fees here and there.

It seems you dont actually care about the school you just care children that are not your are getting something different and you miss out, I say you and not your child as I think this is all about you and not them in your eyes

Why would you want to send your son over to France to school @1Rebecca
Wouldn't you miss him ?

I feel like this is a massive wind up. OP is being so jealous and petty. It's ridiculous. It must have been an ugly divorce that she's still bitter about.

I'd go through CMS. If you don't know how much he earns how do you know your DC is getting the correct minimum amount? If he can afford private schools for his 2 younger DC. Even in France private schools still cost money.

She has already suggested this but his new wife said no.

OP only cares about what she thinks is unfair towards her son, but if things were the other way around she wouldn't give a shit that only her son received private education and his other kids did not.

Did Op ever say why she believes private school in France will help her son’s Oxbridge application. Or even if he wants to go to Oxbridge?

Most people I know who want their kids to go to Oxbridge are already planning it at 13.
Or is that her wish? Or is that just pie in sky grasping at reasons her son ‘needs’ private school.

If this is about the son feeling rejected by his dad the answer isn’t private school. Op and the father need to come up with a plan to help their son with his feelings, that’s not focused on private education.

I can’t help wondering what OP would do if the reverse was proposed by her ex?

When I was a nanny in Paris the kids went to a private school that costs £1,400 per year today. My local prep school here in the uk charges just over £6,500. It's a huge difference in affordability