Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

OP. It’s hard to make it ‘right’ and fill
the gap of the absent parent. Despite everyone’s advice/telling what to do you come across well measured and thoughtful to your child. You are thinking of the best for them. That will be a great foundation for them no matter what!

Yes I would, but as I've mentioned, I've been told by the schools that the waiting lists are long, and so few, if any, spaces are made available each year. I give a more detailed reply in the previous response to this one.

Sorry I missed that one. Was hoping it would help

Comparing apples with oranges. YABU. you are making your mind up despite not knowing the details. If they go to ‘sous contract’ private school then it can be as little as €500-1000 a year. Not really the same as going to a private school over here where it is £3000 a term.

Hats off to the OP for acknowledging other peoples knowledge about French schooling

I would focus on uni to be honest. If your son is bright and academic then it is likely he will want to go and will be faced with much higher fees in the UK than in France. Post Brexit it will not presumably be an option for him to study in a French uni without incurring international student fees.

So I would use the current situation to discuss financially planning for uni with your ex. If you both want him to benefit from cheaper. uni fees he will have to transfer into the French secondary system at some point, private or not. He is old enough to talk through the differences in both systems and to start considering the options as once committed it will be difficult to flip back and forth out of the two unless he has the option to attend an international bac school here and even then, debatable whether it would be equivalent.
If your son faced with the choice of leaving the UK and just coming here for holidays for the next 10 yrs he may well be mollified with a savings plan for Uni that his Dad is prepared to contribute to.

And now that he is old enough to travel, if grammar is still an option you should consider chasing it if you feel his current school is suboptimal.

Are you sure that "private" in France doesn't equate to religious and paying somewhat for the privilege of actively observing your chosen faith? My impression of France is that unless you are attending some sort of millionaire's paradise for the children of the international jet set, then private means no real difference in educational attainment.

Many English private schools offer scholarships.

Entry to senior schools is 13+ so he may be able to sit scholarship exams. Competition is quite fierce.

Private sixth forms also offer scholarships (reduced fees) usually based on GCSE results.

If you want him to go to private school you could explore the options in England as well.

So to settle a score you would be willing to send your son to France to go to a different school and live with a step mum that doesn't want him there for that amount of time.

Your poor son.

You need to seriously sit down and sort yourself out.

Thank you for being understanding, I appreciate it a lot.

No worries at all, it was a reply made after yours anyways, so it wasn't there to miss.

I think it's possible your son may have developed some abandonment issues due to dad moving away? it's understandable he would feel jealous as dad lives full time with his half siblings and him spending more money on them just cements that fact.

perhaps if you have a good enough relationship with your ex you can discuss how your dh might address these feelings eg. taking your son away on holiday without siblings etc.

it's a difficult situation and it's important to prevent any long term impact on your sons mental health as much as possible

I think they're different situations, you can't compare the two. They live in different countries, have different parental incomes. You were happy before you knew about this, so it feels like a spiteful request. Do you really want his wife to pay for your child to go to French private school, and for him to stay in France most of the time? I hope your answer is no.

At the time (summer last year), I didn't consider this as I wasn't sure on affordability considering most bursaries seem to fall in the 10-30% ranges. To be honest, I didn't consider private schools at all.

Also, most grammar schools (that we were interested in anyways), only offer 11+ entry, and as I mentioned before, the waitlist after that is long - hence why I was hoping for sixth form admission. Also, my child is turning 14 this year (year 9), I think we're too late for the 13+ anyways, which I believe are for year 8 entry.

In any case, thank you for helping.

OP, you’re getting a hard time on here, and I think a lot of that is down to how you phrased the original post, which you seem to have recognised. I think it’s important to remember that ‘fair’ doesn’t always mean ‘exactly the same’ — but it seems to me the underlying issue here is that your DC feels left out/undervalued by his father, and you (understandably) feel indignant on his behalf. Can you approach it this way when talking to your ex? I also think that your suggestion of your ex funding tutoring or after- school activities is a good one — especially if that will help your DC feel more valued. But I’m not sure it’s really about education, if that makes sense; it’s about your ex finding ways to make your (joint) son feel loved and looked after…

My kids go to a private school in France. It costs me 50 euro per child a month and then school lunches on top which are cheap here. Unless he's sending them to some elite international place that costs thousands a month I think YABU.

How about you reframe this with the ex. The central issue should be your son feels left out/treated unfairly. You have had many, many replies explaining the differences between schooling systems and why it is not a straight comparison.

What might be more beneficial for your son is this extra money you are seeking for extra activites to be used for your son to visit his father more often in term time. Surely an extra weekend visit every one or two months would be much more beneficial for your son to see his father more?

@1Rebecca you've had quite the feedback here but I.hope you picked up the PP who said maybe your DS is feeling unloved or a little unequal in the eyes of his dad. This may be the root of the issues.
Can you have a constructive conversation with your ex about how he can make his DS feel special and loved? Material things are easy to focus on but is there something about him getting time alone with his dad? Is there something underneath his feelings that you can get to the bottom of ?
You are fighting for your child which is great but he also needs to develop his own relationship with his dad where he can discuss these things. My 14 year old has to navigate some of this and it's not always was but he will be a stronger person as a result

My mates who send their kids to private catholic schools in France pay 2-3k euros a year per child. It’s not a mega commitment. Sure maybe he should pay more for your child but it’s not a massive massive sum that is going towards the younger kids.

This shows the difference op. French private schools are less than 1k a year. English are 15-21k a year. They are not comparable at all

Ok happy medium send your child to France where school fees are more affordable and give the father the £400 a month towards the school fees.

Beautiful3, your comment isn't so beautiful.

Please read my replies on page 9 and 10, and come back with a better response that is from of place of understand. To clarify, the wife is only paying an unknown amount for her second child only, where at age 11, the father will pay fully. I also wanted to pay for the schooling fees.

Maybe you can move to France and provide private schooling by yourself.

Sorry OP but didn’t you say his wife stays at home? So she’s surely not contributing anything if she’s not earning anything?

Regardless, I think £400 is a very good deal considering you have already said he spends most free time outside of school in France and your ex husband’s income and the education of his children with his wife is absolutely none of your business.

But is there even an imbalance to equalise? You’re getting fixated on the fact that your ex is paying something towards school attendance for his other kids. But in reality it may be no more than needing to pay wrap around care (for example), there likely is no “benefit” being conferred on these kids that your son is not getting. My experience of French schools (I spent some time as an assistante in one), is the reverse might be true. They are very different, Lycée can be brutal.

And if you sent him, he wouldn’t be getting better GCSEs and A Levels, he wouldn’t be getting any! He’d have to swap systems and take the bacc- it might be worth it to do this, so he can access much cheaper uni. But you run the risk to losing him to a life in France in that case.

My theory is if you sent your DC go private school they would hate it and want to come home or be where their friends are.

Your child is upset about the treatment not the school. It's up to Dad to find someway of making amends be that one on one time or a trip away something to show that he is a priority.