Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

YABVU

I can't believe you'd be willing to be without your child just so he could go to a private school! Private schools aren't some kind of automatic passport to happiness and success. I send one of my own children to a private school and the other one to a state school because they are different people with different personalities. There is no envy between them and and they are happy with their respective schools. As a matter of fact the state school child has better friends than the private school one!

And what your ex does with his new family is none of your business!

Yes, that tidbit of information is at the start of the post. What is fair in child support is giving what he can afford, in proportion to his income and time spent with the child.

@Sodndashitall , @Lex345 , and @BetterWithPockets .

I appreciate you all for taking the time to actually read my post and replies, and understanding where I am coming from. I agree with your criticisms of me. I did see and respond to the comment highlighting my child's negative response are likely due to his self worth issues, which I highlighted on page 9 and multiple replies before. It may be worth more on using the extra money to help pay for therapy/counselling instead of tutoring. Though, I still think the extracurricular is still worth investing in.

Plenty of sahm have savings or other forms of income.

There's so much here based on assumption

Is this directed to me? I never said much about her or her income. I just clarified how she's helping pay for the youngest child despite staying home, which is through her savings, but I don't think it matters much. It was mentioned purely for the sake of not having people focus on her and how she pays like @Beautiful3 and some others did.

If your ex's children with his wife are already 10 and 9, then you've been holding a grudge for a very long time!

Does your son read and write French fluently enough to be taught in it, to study in it, throughout his exam prep years? It's a very different level of mastery to colloquial chat with his siblings.

Your son isn't spontaneously feeling left out or hard done by; you've taught him to feel that way. Stop it.

My three children went to ‘private under government contract’ schools and I can assure you we are ordinary people. School lunches were more expensive than the ‘fees’. Some have an English section which the extra lessons have to be paid for separately.
French working families find it easier to send their children to a private under contract one, as the teachers very rarely strike. There are thirty plus to a class and the rules are stricter. If you are not happy there is the door, they are over subscribed.
If children are going to an international ‘independent’ school it will be more expensive and expats usually have their offices pay the fees, which maybe the case with your ex if his new family go to one.

He pays his maintenance for your child together - he can do whatever he likes with the rest of his salary.

I haven't commented yet but I was the first wife and agree with the majority of posters here. At no point has the OP mentioned why her son wants to change school so it seems like it is all just plain envy, encouraged by the mother. Which is such a sad defect to cultivate in a child

This is really insightful. Wow, I didn't know I was such a cold and evil mum, making my child feel so unloved/left out on purpose.

I will stop it... not.

How can I stop doing what I'm not doing, and am even trying to prevent, albeit in a disagreeable way. Please read my replies, especially pages 9-11, and reconsider your opinion, please. Thank you, Stravaig.

And you too, @Coyoacan .

And can I ask, where, anywhere in both the post and my replies do you see me having a heart to heart about this conversation. This is all post dialogue with my ex only, following complaints from child about feeling left out/excluded from the lives of his dad and siblings. This, as many others helped to point out, is a long standing issue outside of schooling (though the matter clearly perpetuates this), which is secondary, likely due to self-worth issues that he has. This may be due to a semblance of abandonment sentiments that haven't be properly addressed, I admit fault to this and have done so before.

But goodness, stop with parenting insults when you don't know much, and don't read to know.

So you’d let your child leave you and live with their father in France so they could go to a French private school? When you hadn’t thought about this until you heard your ex’s children were going to private school in France.

this is what your child should be upset about!

So, you have no idea about French education system, can’t speak French, make little money yourself, can’t afford private school in the UK but are moaning that your ex is not delivering on the best things for your child and demand UK private school for him? how about making more money yourself if that’s what you really want?
OR are prepared to ship him off to your ex and relinquish primary custody and not see your own child for most of the time? You are very strange parent

@1Rebecca it must be very difficult when it's your son who's upset. I'd be angry too.

It shouldn’t be about the schooling. And it’s not comparable to France. The more pressing question is if he’s paying you enough child support. I would focus on that first and if any benefit comes of that use that as you see fit. You should absolutely be able to claim an official amount. You don’t need to know his employer to have CMS look into it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP and I don't think your 13 yo is wrong to feel hard done by. Not only has his dad fucked off to another country leaving him with an absentee father, he's now behaving spectacularly unfairly by spending at least 5k per year on his new kids' education whilst only paying £400 for his first son. It's not fair on your child and is very poor behaviour from your ex. The fact that he's trying to redirect the blame from his egregious behaviour onto you for "comparing children" is laughable. Kids are extremely attuned to unfairness and favouritism, and your child sees quite rightly that he's getting a raw deal. Your ex needs to at the very least cough up proper maintenance for his child.

No I can't, but the child and their father can. I can't afford it here, but I was under the wrong assumption they cost the same - if he can provide for one, he can and provide for all, that is what it means to be a parent of multiple children.

When I realised it cost less in France, I offered to help pay that because I earn enough to afford it - I can offer £7.5k, maximum, a year mentioned in comments, which seems to be an over offer according to the people here who educate their kids in France. And as I said, our child wants to spend some time there anyways.

Ship him to my ex?.. Didn't he leave his child with their mother (me)... that seems to be okay with you. Aren't I asking for their father the same thing, to help with more custody, yet it's bad?... Am I relinquishing my rights or seeing them less, did he relinquish his right or see the child less? Your hypocrisy is very strange...

Must I add, are your reading and comprehension skills even good enough to critique me? Haven't I addressed this all already? Haven't I looked at alternatives to private school in the uk? Hmm...

My children went to school in France for a while and honestly I think the system there is brutal, I would never want my kids to go through it. Its just one giant funnel where they are ruthlessly filtered down to the top 0.001% who get to go to the tiny grande ecole, and the rest no one care about. Staying up studying till midnight night after night in secondary is normal if you are trying to get into the right prep to go to the right gc. Keep your kid away from it, their system soul destroying and bully behaviour (especially towards english/ or any diverse kids) is rampant. Also private schools are generally for either the super religious (catho's) or the rich but dumb, the smart kids are all in state school - remember liberté, égalité, fraternité - private school is for the bourgeoise (frowned on).

Your son is upset by not being fully part of his father's life. I really doubt a kid actually would want to leave their friends and a school system they know and go to live in France now, maybe when they are older. You said they were interested in a year in France but not that they had put a time on it.

You said your financial position is better now so if your child needed tutors you could provide them. You've seen an opportunity to get more maintenance.

You should be focused on what your son needs from his father and that is more likely to be something they can do together and/or time with his dad away from his siblings than extra cash for tutors.

OP this such a weird thread . Your EX husband has told you that he doesn’t want his child living with him full time - you can’t force him to take him.

If your issue is with maintenance then go down the legal route? Your ex doesn’t have to disclose his or his financial status to you but he will if the CSA ask him to.

French catholic private schools are cheap as chips, fees aren’t vaguely comparable to UK private school fees.

I've not read all the comments, so sorry if this has been said, but France is a REMO country (Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance) so if you aren't happy with the current arrangement, you could make an application https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad/other-partner-lives-abroad

Years ago I had a French boyfriend who’d been to a private Catholic school for a few years. By British and French standards of the time his parents were poor. Not working class. Actually poor. As others have said I would talk to your son to explain the different systems and that it’s very possible he will be getting a better education and opportunities in a state school here than a “private” school in France.

No because he's on another country

No it is not.

Can they enforce payment if the other lives abroad?