Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

Yabu. They are a different family in a different country.

My ex husbands daughter does all sorts of clubs that when ours were younger he would t pay towards and my maintenance wasn't reliable nor enough so our daughters did a select few and no where near what his new daughter does. I don't give it a second thought as it's not comparable given he's in a relationship still with the mum and they are a family.
Maybe your ex will contribute towards uni etc?

If that's the case maybe he is already paying too much maintenance?

There is another thread where an ex did this and her CMS was reduced as her ex was paying 3 x too much. The outward lifestyle was funded by new wife. In a situation where this poster has already said all holidays are spent by her child with his dad I Franceshe may see maintenance reduced!

Is your child actually upset about this? If so they must be incredibly unhappy in their current school and if so that’s a separate issue to address which could be resolved without paying for private school. I can’t imagine many teenagers wanting to be uprooted from friends & changing schools without good reason. Your post does read as if you are the driving force behind this - for financial reasons as you don’t mention how this would benefit your child on an educational level.

Most children who went to unis like Oxford .... went to private schools.

This is incorrect , the majoorty are state educated. Indeed increasing year on year.

I think you have worked yourself into a state over nothing or your perceived injustice

She's not being ridiculous, it's upsetting and only wants what's best for her child.

She's not being ridiculous, it's upsetting and only wants what's best for her child.
Yes, but she's not focusing on the important part which is the children have different mothers.
They have different parents.
This means they will have different experiences and different lifestyles.

The alternatives aren't workable.

• The children with the mother who can afford an opportunity shouldn't have those opportunities because step sibling's mother can't afford it.

(No mother would accept offering her children fewer opportunities because an ex thinks it's unfair that children with different parents have different experiences)

• The father with children across both relationships is expected to top his ex up so that the children have the same,

(Which is again expecting the wealthier woman to subsidise her partner's ex because the ex feels their child is entitled to whatever new children have because everything he throws at his ex to match his new partner's financial choices is affecting the household).

The father doesn't have to top his ex up because his new partner is able to offer something to her children.

Then again this is why if I was single again I'd avoid dating a man with kids. I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of an ex eyeing up my finances.

You would want your kid to move to France for the majority of the year? Seriously?

I don’t want to be mean but you’re acting ridiculously.

Also, £400 per month in child support is bloody amazing. For one child!!!!! Be thankful for what you’ve got and stop being petty about his new life over there.

You'd send your child off to another country just like that?? Surely that's way more upsetting to your son than this perceived injustice that you are fueling.

You’d rather send your kid to school in a different country just to make a point - wow!

Tbh, it sounds like money is the issue here and not the school.
if money is the issue (he’s funding most of it) then you need to talk about the child maintenance he gives you as spending 5-10k on one child then half of that again on the other adds up to more than £400 per month as jt is - higher side is 15k per year which is £1100 ish. Lower side is 7.5k which is £625 per month.

people are being hard on you op, if my son was treated differently financially and therefore had less opportunity I’d be mad too. I wouldn’t send him to a diff country for school though

The pasting of the OP in this thread is so bizarre.

The dad has three children and is choosing to spend an additional for argument sake £5K a year on two of their education. The OP might be struggling to find a way of asking for parity but she's not wrong.

For instance if the father agreed to set up an isa of the equivalent so the British based child has £25K towards Uni that could be a fair compromise.

The father is completely out of order and is favoring his resident children and normally on mumsnet that's acknowledge but I imagine because OP gets £400 a month which is deemed high for cms there's some jealousy/you've got enough ideas coming through which is just not true.

The OP needs to be careful as a PP has pointed out.

As the OP doesn't know his finances if she kicks up too much of a fuss her ex may actually get his finances assessed officially and she could end up with less money.

I know people where this has happened.

The father is completely out of order and is favoring his resident children

You obviously missed that their mother is funding at least half the fees? It’s been explained at length that the education system is far more reliant on the private sector in France.

By sending him away ONLY because she now knows some other children go to a private school, but it didn't enter her head before she knew this? No she's comparing children and is being ridiculous.

Fighting about your DC's school in front of him is not fair.
Your DS needs to feel proud of his school and able to do well.
It never occurred to you before that the school was not okay.

Help your child do as well as he can and ask your ex if he could set aside any spare money that he can afford to pay for extras at school or to help later with tertiary studies.

Look into having your child attend a French school for just one year as a DIY exchange program. That in itself wouild be very educational and great for your son to live with his Dad for one special year.

Sorry, but if you have a 50/50 arrangement and your child spends so much of the year with his dad. Why is his dad paying you £400 a month? Assuming you’re not paying for anything while he’s with his dad? Usually a 50/50 agreement means no child support as the parents just pay for what they need when with them. With the exception of helping out with school clothes etc I really don’t think he should be paying you all that and I certainly don’t think you should be asking for more. It’s a good arrangement on your part and if it’s not a court order he could well tell you to stuff it for your cheek. Pretty sure it will work out a hell of a lot more than 5 grand a year he is paying for his child since he has him for all of the holidays

If the son was then living with the father then the op would have to pay child maintenance to the father on top of that.

Oh op, you’re so consumed by jealousy and bitterness you’ve lost sight of anything rational. Please focus on your child. Explain that private school in France is different, and they are going because they are domiciled there, and it doesn’t mean anything in terms of how much both parents love them. There would be a different cost basis and they don’t need to be privately educated as they are in the uk,so have a British education

and then take a step back and think of how you’ve behaved. And what’s driving that.

I agree, there's more chance if getting into Oxford if your from a normal school rather than private.

Getthethrowonthesofa
You hit the nail on the head with the point that private education in France isn't like private education in the UK.

Fair and same aren't the same thing.
It's why sometimes parents who remain together make different decisions for their children, because the situations and children are different.

Sometimes the way we respond to events and issues can fuel how our children perceive situations.

Regardless of who pays for what, I think your husband will pay with his conscience later on down the line. You need to back off and quit being petty OP. You need to teach your child to be grateful for the life they have and stop projecting your mean thoughts onto them

That’s not the case. 7% of children are privately educated and the Oxbridge intake is 30% privately educated. That means your chance of Oxbridge entry is four times higher from a private school.

In all honesty, it's not as though our child hasn't expressed interest in spending a year or so in France with them.

Sounds like he has a dose of "the grass ks greener" over there. If he's only there for holidays, the reality of living and going to school there probably isn't something he has thought about.

and at 13, "A year or so" in France is going to completely mess up his education. Once as he has to integrate into the French school with a different curriculum and then again after the "year or so" when he comes back and finds himself having to take exams he's not prepared for!

And what if he hates it?