Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

Sorry that first sentence reads oddly 😂my daughter attends a group once a week, she has additional needs all the time!

I am absolutely gobsmacked she didn’t offer and 100% you should ask her to pay for the damage. Why are people so rude and oblivious??

Message back and say thanks for the number. Have you already spoken with them and will they invoice you direct?

I’ve left a voicemail for them, they didn’t answer. There’s absolutely no mention of her offering to pay so Everything points towards me paying for it unless
i say something 🤦‍♀️

How about put through household insurance and ask if she's OK to cover the excess payment?/

Given the fact you can’t afford it, you need to ask her for the money. Of course she should be offering to pay, but don’t let the awkwardness of the situation prevent you from asking.

For normal wear and tear breakages I would accept that these things just happen, but a broken window from a ball being thrown while mum was present but not supervising is a different matter.

I think you have to take a deep breath and ask her.

She should absolutely offer to pay. And as she hasn’t, you should ask her. She should have been supervising her very excited child in someone else’s home rather than choosing that moment to answer work email. Accidents happen, but she just wasn’t watching her child at a time that needed it.

I did check my household insurance thinking this would be the answer but my excess is £300 so more than just paying for it outright I think.

Are you sure it was her son and not joint enterprise, as you didn't see it? Maybe she's hoping you'll not blame her son solely. Maybe she's as broke as you and just ignoring the morals and keeping her head down.

In her position I'd be offering to pay, but I don't think I'd ask her to as I'm much too British about this kind of thing, but I definitely wouldn't be having them back for any more play dates!

If that was my child I’d 100% have insisted on paying, and been completely mortified. It’s completely normal to pay for damage your child causes to other people’s property- especially when it’s deliberate and occurs while you were present.

She is a cheeky fucker.

In the first place, she should have been supervising her son herself while in your home, not attending to her work emails.

And secondly, she should pay for the window.

I'd be willing to risk the end of the friendship over this.

Either tell the glazier to bill her or pick up the phone and ask her directly to pay for the window her child broke. You'll see her true colours, and you may not like what you see.

Why was they left unsupervised to begin with?

I would message back in a timely fashion with what @Spirallingdownwards has says.

wtf. How can she not offer to pay? It’s still a huge hassle for you even if she does pay. What’s wrong with people???

I think YABU. How old are the children? Why were they upstairs on their own (if you thought her son was unsafe when carrying the ball they surely shouldn’t have been allowed upstairs alone).

You both should have been supervising them but since it’s your house I think you should pay and then maybe stop the play dates at your house so it doesn’t happen in future. If it was my child I would have offered to go halves but I wouldn’t ask.

If it had been my child I'd have offered, and expected to pay for the damage. However it sounds like both children were upstairs unaccompanied, in which case if there's nobody supervising in your house there are always chances accidents can happen. Or have I got it mixed up and they were outside unaccompanied and hit the outside of the upstairs window?

I’d pay if it was my child, but there were two adults leaving children who seemingly need to be supervised during play to play unsupervised, so you are both to blame.

I’d be inclined to ask her for a contribution but accept I should have been monitoring more closely if she didn’t agree.

I mean I guess it was joint in the sense they were both hyped up and running around, hence my repeated requests to calm down. However I’m fairly sure the actual window being broken was her son because of the heavy sensory ball- he never lets anyone touch it as it is his soothing object so I can’t imagine my DD even trying let alone being successful prising it off him and throwing it.

Don't be too sad over the prospect of losing her 'friendship'. Friends don't behave like she did.

You will meet other people. Many of them will be far better behaved than she is. A woman who has a glazier on call needs to supervise her child at all times when they're in other people's homes.

I actually don't think you can ask her to pay for this. You were in your house. You were already aware the kids were playing boisterously, you'd asked them to stop and they didn't. At that point you should have intervened and called an end to the play date. Morally the other mother should have been supervising her own child. But it's your home - your responsibility to keep it safe and protected.
It would be kind and decent if she offered to pay, but I doubt she will, and I don't think you can force it. Perhaps don't invite them over again and make it clear why.

You haven't said who threw the ball?

Just that a ball was thrown and the window has been broken.

Yes absolutely she should pay for the window. I'd call her up with the quote and ask, when she could pay it by. Also they wouldn't be allowed into my house again with that heavy ball. That's crazy that it's happened to her numerous times, she knew that it might happen at your house! Very selfish behaviour.

Did you ask the kids who threw it?

I think it'd be reasonable for her to pay half (if not the full cost). Both kids were running around so presumably egging each other on.

I'd message to say, "Thanks for the number. I'll contact the company and let you know how much they quote. Should I send the invoice directly to you or would you prefer to transfer me the money for your half?."