Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

This. It sucks and in her shoes I would offer to pay, but you can't really ask someone who was an invited guest in your home. Things happen.

Why were they playing upstairs unsupervised in the first place?

Was it 100% her son who damaged the window? Sounds like you are just assuming. You can’t bill her unless it’s absolutely him.

sorry it’s toddler tea time here so a bit manic! I’ll reply properly later but a lot are asking why they were unsupervised upstairs - they were being supervised downstairs where they knew they were meant to play, but in the 20 seconds max between me asking him to stop running with his hall and hearing the crash, instead of going into the kids bedroom next to my kitchen/ living room they must have climbed over the gate, run the 6 steps
up to my bedroom and hurled it against the window. So yes, they were supervised but I didn’t have eyes on for that time but it was so fast I wouldn’t have been able to stop it.
also- I wouldn’t have been able to physically remove the ball from him- he’s strong and this is his soothing sensory toy and to take it from him would have resulted in a huge meltdown and me or my toddler
likely being hurt.

Did you send that PA message?

I think it will likely cost you your friend so if I was in your position I'd pay myself. But I have an ADHD SPD hyper tornado child and everything he breaks I pay for and in your friends position would absolutely insist on paying for it. We never get invited anywhere due to his behaviour so I'm so desperate to keep friends I'd pay even if it were the hosts kid!

'assume the other person is totally responsible' brigade.

@snackatack Well, the other person is totally responsible. I only suggested asking for some money because it might be more likely that the person responds to it phrased that way. Ideally the person would respond by paying for all of it.

I think they probably never take responsibility for their own children. I don't know about neurodiverse children, but a NT child would have the cost of any window they broke by accident taken out of their pocket money

If you each have a child who's 8.5 years old and they are playing together and getting a bit out of control then I think at the very least you should each pay half. I actually think she should pay the whole thing because her son brought that ball into the house and used it to hit the window, but in the interests of keeping the friendship I'd go for half each.

This isn't a situation where she should pay nothing. If she does say that's what she's planning, I would definitely give up on the friendship. She should have been supervising her child, especially in someone else's house and he caused the damage - why should she pay nothing?

If her son has a habit of throwing this weighted ball and breaking windows she should have been supervising him very closely indeed not catching up on work emails. It was very negligent on her part.

However as she hasn’t offered to pay it’s going to create a really awkward atmosphere if you broach it. As you aren’t keen to lose a friend can you cover the cost? I wouldn’t be having any play dates at mine if the ball is non-negotiable.

All you can do is say you've had a quote and its £X :(

See if she offers. She might be expecting you to send the bill and that's why she hasnt said she will pay.

She probably can’t afford it either - that might be why she hasn’t offered. I totally see that it was her child who broke it with the sensory ball for the reasons you’ve outlined but as you can’t prove this you could offer to go halves.

You’ve said retaining the friendship is really important to you so you could say “I've got a quote which is x amount. The excess on my insurance is £300 so it would be cheaper to just pay, however I really can’t afford this and it’s causing me so much stress. I believe it was your sons weighted ball that broke the window and wondered if you would be willing to contribute half?”

Really she should pay, but the above is probably your best shot at keeping things friendly and there’s a small possibility she’ll offer to pay the whole bill.

I'll be honest if you're not keen to lose a friend then I wouldn't do that message where you just assume she's paying, she hasn't suggested at all that she is so it's potentially a bit disingenuous I think, I'd be upfront about it saying it's going to cost x amount and you really can't afford that and as <insert her ds name> broke it could she consider paying for it please.

Sorry OP but you can't 'blame' the child with needs. "They knew" - that's not fair they're kids that's why they needed supervising.
You are lucky none of the children were hurt. If they ran upstairs you should have bought them down. A meltdown is cheaper than a window

OP do try to ignore all the posts chiding you for not supervising. I work with children with ASN, many of whom have ADHD, in a school setting. I know only too well how instantaneous an incident can be...even WHILE being supervised very closely. They can be lightening fast impulsive and you cannot stop a speeding train no matter how close you are. Don't take the comments to heart.

I would suggest paying half each btw. xx

This

I hugely recommend insurance

If this ball has broken windows in the past then surely the mother should accept it’s not a suitable toy…regardless of issues. If not can smash a window it could do damage to a head.

absolutely push for half the cost. She’s being a CF hoping you’ll just suck it up

I haven’t read all the replies, but you say this happens often to windows in her own home ? And she still let her child loose in someone else’s home with the heavy ball ?
I realise the child has the ball for comfort but why wasn’t she hovering over him making sure he didn’t break another window ?
l’d message her, thanks for the details of the glazier but I can’t afford to pay for this damage alone. See what she says and if she doesn’t offer to contribute then you’re probably better off without the friendship.

Do not do this for relatively small amount - will whack up your premium next year…

By saying it happens all the time in her home, she’s trying to minimise it as just one of those things that happens when kids play. It’s not. She should definitely be paying for it and making sure her 8 year old understands it’s unacceptable behaviour, regardless of any sensory issues.

If I were her I would offer to pay, however with the way you have described the incident I think it would be fair to ask her to pay half - given that your children were playing unsupervised by either of you.

Slightly different situation to yours but we had a neighbours son round playing with our kids. He was 8, ours were 7 and 4. All playing boisterously in the next room to us.

I went in to tell them to calm down at the same time neighbours boy leant on the radiator and pulled it off the wall, water everywhere!
Neighbours immediately offered to pay and were extremely apologetic.

It's tricky in your situation as no adult 100% saw what happened. I think asking to split the cost is fair though. I'm surprised she seemed so blasé.

Remind me when I went to someone's house on a playdate, there was a big crash of a globe rolling down the stairs. The mum automatically blamed my son for it, but the story from my son was that her son did it. Their son wasn't reliable with the story. Either way we couldn't prove it, but as a gesture of goodwill I offered £50 damages. Sorry to say it did ruin our friendship.

I didn't realise they were 8 - my bad....

still - if it happens all the time, I'd be watching my child like a hawk if I was outside the house.

It's going to end the friendship anyway so I'd ask if there was any chance they could help out as you're quite skint!

'There was a big crash of a globe rolling down the stairs' 😂😂😂
Sorry, this made me laugh. God I hated play dates.
Let us know how you get on OP.