Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

thanks for the glazier’s number - have you already been in touch with them or shall I get the ball rolling? I’ll let you know once they’ve been round to do the quote and how much it is. Probably easiest if they invoice you direct rather than faffing around with me paying and then you reimbursing me but I’ll discuss that when they come round and see what they say.’

That's so passive agreesive! If you really want to persue her paying then you need to talk to her about it.

Something like

Hey I feel a bit awkward about this but how do you feel about paying for part or all of the cost of replacing the window?...As I believe it was your child.

Both children ASD. Both hyper.. Both playing.
Both parents to pay half each.

Whilst morally I agree she should contribute, I suspect that legally any accident that occurs in your home is your responsibility.

Same thing happened to me years ago. Friend didn't offer to pay. I was a bit pissed off tbh as she was much better off than I was at the time, but I sucked it up. After all, the kids were playing together at the time and these things happen. I still haven't forgotten though!

She is not really a friend I am sorry if she is happy to put all of this on you

I am a believer in saying upfront what you want/mean, etc but in this awkward situation, I’d consider being a little passive aggressive and messaging your friend to say that the glazier has quoted you xx, thank goodness for credit card as you couldn’t afford to pay otherwise. We’ll have to do things differently next time.

See what she comes back with to that. But at the same time, she could take offence but you’d be certain of her character then. Or bite the bullet and use one of the other suggested responses.

I'd just be honest and say I am struggling to cover this unexpected expense and given it was X that threw the ball at the window I think going halves on the cost would be fair. See what she says.

When I took any of my SN kids to peoples houses, I was shadowing them. You don't leave them unsupervised while you check emails especially since it's a regular occurrence at home. No matter how old they are.

Since it can't be proved who did it I'd absolutely ask to go halves and no more playdates at home.

Interesting - https://www.claims.co.uk/knowledge-base/child-law/child-accidents-compensation-liability

In England and Wales, parents or carers are not automatically liable for the personal injury, loss or damage that the child has caused. However, if a parent was negligent in, for instance, allowing the child’s actions that caused harm or injury, or for failing to prevent the incident – the parent could be held liable.
So if the child was accompanied by a responsible adult at the time of the incident, it may be possible to take legal action against the adult. However, it will have to be shown that the adult acted negligently.

I like the message you've got but not about her choosing whether you pay and she reimburses you.

Hi, thanks for the glaziers number, it was so sweet of x to apologise for breaking the number bless him. Have you spoken to the glazier about them invoicing you direct or shall I mention it to them?

Tbh if she loosing contact with you then you're not counted as a friend. It should have been the first thing out of her mouth.

I think it's better that you offer her the chance to go halves, her son might have broken it but if she was checking work emails and as it was your house you should have been a bit more 'on' it. You could say you've checked your home insurance and unfortunately it won't cover the cost of the broken window.

Would you have offered to pay if it was at her house and the same thing happened? Why were they upstairs unsupervised at such a young age? I would have taken the ball from him when you had assessed it was unsafe to be running about with. I think you knew what you should do regarding the ball but didn't do it and didn't ask the boy's mother to take it from him so I think, in this case, it's your own fault the window got broken as you say the mother of the boy was distracted, therefore it was up to you to keep an eye on them both and prevent this from happening. In future, don't allow that to happen and I think you'll need to pay for it. It was your house and you were the one watching them and saw the situation was unsafe but didn't follow through with preventative action.

Would you phone your insurance company to see what the legalities around thus. Maybe it’s possible for her to claim through her own insurance?

I don't think you can ask her to pay the full cost as neither of you know what actually happened.

I would ask her for 50% and see it as a lesson learned about leaving toddlers unsupervised.

At worst she should pay half. If you could afford it I probably would leave it but seeing as you can't you must say it to her

A friends son did 500 pounds damage in my house, older but i never asked for the money as I could afford it and her son denied it

If your set on asking her to pay then I think you should ask her to go halves not pay the full amount. You don’t know for sure what happened and although her son threw the ball he was being boisterous with your daughter, which probably led to the window getting smashed. I think if you ask her to pay the full amount you risk losing her as a friend, I think she will understand you asking her to go halves. Tell her you are struggling to afford it as money is tight.

I agree - far too passive aggressive, please don't send this! I would also be more humble and upfront - something like that above answer is way better

In later posts it says that the children are not toddlers, they are 8 1/2 and the friend's child apologised for throwing the ball so it seems very clearcut to me

Sorry if this has been suggested but where I am, this would come out of your friend's household insurance, which usually covers damage to other properties caused by policy holder or their dependents.

I would be open and say you that you just don't have the budget to repair the window and would she be willing to pay half .

Get a quote and then chat to her in person about it. Perhaps along the lines of "I really don't want to ask you for money and am quite embarrassed to do so but I have had a quote from your glazer of £... for the broken window and it's beyond what I can afford right now. Is there any way you would be able to contribute something to it too, given they were both running about together and we can't be sure who actually broke the window? I hate to ask and wouldn't if I wasn't so short of money. I really hope you understand. I've been going over and over this in my head and worrying myself sick about asking you."

OP I think half is fair. Be honest with her as well. So

‘Thanks for the glazier’s number. I’ll let you know once they’ve been round to do the quote and how much it is. To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable about asking you to cover costs - I was hoping you'd offer - because even the fact that it was your DS aside, I just can't afford it. Having said that, it was an accident and it happened on my watch, so how about we go halves? That feels fair to me."

You claim on insurance and ask for a contribution towards the excess (or payment of the excess)

Have just seen that the children in question are not toddlers. I assumed they were as you had written you were worried about him knocking over your 1.5 year old so assumed they were both that age. That does change things a bit I think. Of he has admitted he did it and is old enough to know better than I do not think it's unreasonable to ask that he/his family pay for it.

I was wondering how that worked 😂

I don't think you can really ask when you didn't see what happened, well not without risking the friendship.

if you do want to ask, you could ask if she wants to pay the glazier direct?!

it would probably cost more on insurance with an excess too, unless you have a separate glass cover.

i think with very little kids (non verbal) you eith have to supervise all the time or accept shit happens,

go to hers instead!!