Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

OP, I wouldn't send that "will they invoice you directly?" message.

It's a shitty thing to send, since you know she doesn't want too, or can't, pay.

You both have kids you weren't watching. No one can say for sure what happened, just that your window got broken.

I'd be really honest and say "hi friend, I am going to struggle to pay for the window, really low on funds this month - since I think it was damaged by your son's ball would you possibly go halves with me? I'd be really grateful." and see what comes back.

If you were there and you saw him do it and tried to stop it then I'd be more forceful that she should contribute.

But letting them out of your sight upstairs makes you equally responsible, especially since you knew she was checking work stuff!

If you don't want to lose a friend then I think you have to be honest and open and deal with your friend's situation, not try to trap her into agreeing to pay for damage that you're not even 100% sure was done by her kid.

Yes I think there is an aspect of this and, even if the children agree who threw it, it was a play date. Things do happen when children get together and it’s hard to say who contributed most to the winding up, over excitement etc. I’d ask if she would please go halves given the expense. That should make her more involved at future junctures.

I think that's a good message. Honest, direct, not pass agg but slightly apologetic.

Agree. Great message and fair request.

Now that OP has clarified further (it is confusing) I am understanding that 3 children were present, two 8.5 year olds and a 1.5 year old. One of the 8.5 year olds has sensory issues and the ball. Obviously, it could not have been the 1.5 year old but it "could" have easily been either of the older kids. Unless you find out for a fact which one it was I don't think you can assume it was her child because it was his ball and rarely lets it go. You weren't there.

I would approach it that you pay for it half each rather than either of one of you footing the bill.

Please don't let this thinking sway you into paying for all of this window.

A friend (or any reasonable person) would not leave your to pay for a new window that their child had broken whilst they were present to supervise. You will not lose a friend over this.

Hey I feel a bit awkward about this but how do you feel about paying for part or all of the cost of replacing the window?...As I believe it was your child

I think this wording from @GlitteryDirt is better. Polite and acknowledging that it's awkward to ask

I agree with all of the posters suggesting kind honest messages, along the lines of you feel uncomfortable asking but would she contribute.
much better than being passive aggressive. x

This is what I was going to suggest. Pushes the ball firmly in her court but very nicely!

You didn't actually witness the other kid breaking the window though.

But she should have offered to pay at least a contribution. I would probably not ask, pay and not invite them over again. Its one of those things.

its a long time since I had toddlers but I’m surprised by the number of people expecting her to pay . You both should have been supervising them . As it’s your home you really should have been on it . I wouldn’t ask , and I’d supervise better in future . It could have been so much worse than a broken window

I would pay but if I was the friend I'd also offer.

The part that sticks with me here is that she said this has happened before at her house and she has had to have the glazier out! If she knew this was possible / likely to happen she has to bear some responsibility for her son and pay towards the repair. I certainly wouldn’t be having her round again to your house, your toddler could have been injured, she sounds irresponsible.

I missed the update - I still think it should be 50/50 as both the adults chose to leave two children with additional needs unsupervised upstairs.

I don't think she should be liable for the full cost - particularly as they weren't supervised and there were warning signs prior that things were getting a bit boisterous.

I also doubt she'll agree to pay if contacted - her not offering and leaving sharpish proves that.

He's 8.5 and her mum has had this happen before because she has the glazier's number. She should definitely be paying for the damage her child has caused.

I’m shocked at the estimated cost. We can get. Whole patio door glazed for £90.

Anywho I’d definitely expect her to pay at least half. If the ball wasn’t in your home the ball couldn’t have smashed the window. If she wasn’t doing work emails two of you would have been watching the children more.

I'd make the assumption that she knows it will need replacing, has sent you the glazier details and so is expecting to pay. So I'd get the quote (from the contact she's given you or someone else) and then say ' the cost of replacing the window is xxxx, please could you transfer the money to cover this. Here are my bank details: '

You've missed another part of OP's posts. They weren't left upstairs unsupervised, they were playing downstairs and jumped the stair gate moments after OP spoke to them.

No, I saw that. They were unsupervised and had been told to calm down multiple times - someone should have followed them, not just let them run off.

Sorry, OP, I think they should have been shadowed, given the circs. And because of that the bill should be halved rather than her paying it all.

But... I do think your 'friend' was taking the mickey by sitting there responding to work emails while her son was running around your house with a heavy object - especially as she says he keeps breaking windows at home! So she has really let you down here, then made it 10 times worse by not offering to pay.

For these reasons you really shouldn't feel bad about asking for half. And if you really don't want to lose her as a friend then just only see her and her DS outside your house.

I don't think she has any intention to pay if I'm honest op. If it were me I would have apologised profusely straight away and made sure the other parent knew I was going to 100% foot the bill, and organise to get it fixed, as I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving, knowing I'd left them with any extra hassle and cost due to my child. She obviously doesn't see it that way, as was happy to leave you to organise it being fixed, with no hint of covering any of the cost. This is after her son has apologised (i.e admitted fault) so it's not as if anyone was left unsure who did it. I'd probably message along the lines of...

"I hope Henry is okay after what happened yesterday with his ball and the window... has he said how it happened? Emma said he just threw it, and it hit the window? I know we are lucky none of the kids were hurt, as it could have been so much worse, but I'm still shook up and upset about it. I was hoping the window could have been repaired, but having looked again today, the whole window is going to need to be replaced, as the pane is completely smashed. I don't have the money to do this at the moment, and I'm feeling really stressed about it to be honest."

See what she responds to that. If that doesn't provoke her into offering something towards fixing it, I'm not sure anything will.

I think this is the best suggested message, the others are a bit too confrontational.

Other mum said this happens in her house often, her son apologised for throwing the ball so there is no doubt he was responsible.

Ultimately it was of course an accident so I don't think demanding the full amount would be fair when both children were playing together, even if it was hers that threw the missile!!, but she should have offered a contribution towards the costs from the start and I think half is fair.

I'm guessing she's definitely trying to avoid paying as surely the first thing out of most parents' mouth after this happened would be an offer to cover at least some of the cost!

The ball he never let's go of, where was it when you went upstairs?

wasn't one of the first questions " who done that "

If both children were playing boisterously then it seems quite harsh to blame just one, even if he was the one who actually caused the damage.
I think it’s fair to split the cost. It would have been better if she had offered this.
Personally I would not be trying to demand that she pays the full amount, by getting the invoice sent direct, etc. There is no realistic way of enforcing it.
Unless it was an enormous window or you live in a very expensive area I wouldn’t expect to pay £200 to have a glazed panel replaced. I had a normal sized window panel replaced fairly recently and it was £115 ( East Anglia).