Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

Can you just reply "thank you, I will check the cosy with them and call my insurance. If it works out cheaper to replace than claim, will I ask him to send the invoice straight to you or do you want to transfer and I pay directly? Otherwise my excess is £xx so will let you know whwn it needs to be paid, kids eh?!"

Sorry have now RTFT and seen you've replied offering half. Very gracious of you - she should cover the full cost imo

She's knows this happens as has before in own home

I would ask her to pay the cost of the window as was her child who threw the ball as he said sorry - plus his ball /fav object so your child probably wouldn't have got hold of it

Has she replied yet as you sent the message yesterday ?

I know quite a few children with SEN including ADHD and I don't know of any of them who carry something that is so heavy it could smash a window and cause serious damage. I'm honestly surprised she allows her child to use this outside her own home. There must be other things that would work and be less of a risk to everyone else? Surely?

She should pay all of it! Can’t even believe posters saying you should pay half, why? She was there and should have looked after her own child especially as he has form for doing this. I’m astounded people think you should have been supervising while she was sat there! If she refuses to pay she is not a decent person and I wouldn’t want to be her friend anyway.

I personally wouldn’t have done. I think that’s the friendship and any future play dates over TBH

Can’t you just message her with the quote you have been given and ask her if she happy to go ahead with that ? Will she pay them direct or bank transfer to you !

Still no reply?

I dont feel I can send anything else, she’s not replied, so I’m just going to dread the group next week. Have secondary school visions of her blanking me and sitting with other mums which shouldn’t bother me but will! I just feel so annoyed at likely being hugely out of pocket if she just ignores /wont pay half or all and to add the cherry on the cake I’ll have lost someone I thought was a friend and I don’t have many (actually to be brutally honest she was sort of my only one as I barely get out between caring for my DD and her needs, and my toddler, and find socialising hard anyway as am painfully shy, so losing her makes me feel quite sad ☹️I know worse has happened but it’s a bit of a lonely life and having a friend with a child with similar challenges has been a huge support to me.

Please keep going to your group, she should be embarrassed for how she acted, and I doubt she will go back to the group.

she isn’t a true friend. If this was my child I would have paid the full amount never mind 50%.

you have done nothing wrong.

Oh op, you’ve done nothing wrong here, she’s been well out of line,

I would actually text again, simply as this is so unacceptable. I’d say something like

hey, this probably got lost, so just a quick reminder.

or call her, honestly I don’t think you can let her away with shafting you with the bill.

genuinely I can be a bit of a horror at times and I can’t imagine not insisting on paying right away, never mind ignoring the text. It says everything about what kind of person she is. And it’s not a good one.

She probably feels as awkward as you. It was generous for you to offer to go halves.

Unfair to stick the glazier in the middle. Get who's paying sorted before the work is done.

I know you are shy OP but you are completely and utterly in the right.

She should pay.

The very fact you have offered to split the cost is more than generous. Please message her again and say you would like to get the work done soon.

If she doesn't help, make sure you take her to small claims (or judge Judy 😂) as she clearly isn't a friend at all.

Also maybe join bumble friends and get some new ones?

If it's awkward next week just pull her up and ask why she hasn't had your window fixed yet. Let others hear you. She is a huge cf isn't she? SN or not her dc isn't free to wreck your home without her taking responsibility for it..

OP she is not your friend.

Yes.

When we invite people into our homes, we don't dun them if a mishap occurs. A decent person would offer to pay but if they fail to do so, that's that.

It's too bad but this friendship is over.

She should not have brought the sensory ball to your house if she knows it can cause damage. This is very entitled behaviour and permissive parenting. I would do what a previous poster suggested and say the glazier will invoice her directly.

if it were an adult, say they tripped over and caught an expensive mirror or the item they were holding cracked a window would people charge them? Or say they were helping to clear your table after a dinner party and dropped a few denby plates Or some glasses they’d collected?
I do wonder where some people think the line would be. I don’t think taking advice in Aibu was wise for this one, realistically people tend to visit for a bit of drama at best

She is awful.
Your message was very fair and You were more than generous offering to go half.
you shouldn't have had to ask IMO.

Do not stop going to the group and do not be embarrassed. I'd be pretty open about what happened with others.

I’m really sorry @Amislytherin. I think this is one of those moments when mumsnet is full of bravado and outrage and doesn’t give the best advice.
As I said earlier I would have just claimed on my insurance and chalked it up as one of those things.
For future, I have an autistic child and often host other autistic children. For this reason we pay for really good insurance with accidental cover. Most friendships won’t survive being asked to pay for a £500+ TV or whatever.

I totally agree.
Particularly with your update @Amislytherin that they appear well off financially.
You offered to go halves.
How mean/tight is that woman 😮
I would be mortified if one of my dc had broken a window in someone else's home and would offer to pay immediately.
She is not your friend.
When someone shows you who they are- believe them.

@Dancerprancer19 I too have an autistic child but I would ask and would expect to pay if he broke some thing. But at the same time I know he gets excited and breaks things as did the woman so I would be following him around.

The thing is, for the people saying they wouldn’t have asked her for the money, this mum knew, and openly admitted, that this ball has caused similar damage in their house, multiple times, so she knows the damage it can cause. She knows that her child was hyped up and carrying the heavy ball that causes damage whilst in somebody else’s home. That is a moment when you supervise your child rather than check your bloody email!
If they had been playing quietly and something broke and you weren’t sure what happened then I wouldn’t ask for the cost to be repaid. But in this situation the parent absolutely should have had full focus on her child, and should accept full responsibility as she did not.

OP, don’t feel awkward at the group and please keep going. She should feel awkward and ashamed and give you a huge apology.