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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

293 replies

Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 14:33

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

OP posts:
WinMore · 11/01/2024 14:46

Spirallingdownwards · 11/01/2024 14:35

Message back and say thanks for the number. Have you already spoken with them and will they invoice you direct?

Edited

I would go with this.

Assume that she is, of course, going to pay - so didn't mention it.

ChangeAgain2 · 11/01/2024 14:47

I think you need to pay for it. Ultimately, you need to adequately supervise children in your home.

Original poster
Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 14:48

They were being supervised, mainly by me as my friend was catching up on some emails but still engaging with us all. I Live in a small duplex flat with just my bedroom upstairs - we were all downstairs and within 20 seconds they must have jumped over the stair gate and run upstairs, ball got thrown as they had just been in the kitchen with us where I’d asked her son to stop running with the ball and less than half a minute later we heard
the bang. All happened very fast but they were being supervised.

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 11/01/2024 14:48

While it would have been the ‘right thing’ for her to offer to pay and for you then to decide whether to accept or decline her offer, I don’t think you should now ask her to pay. I think you’ll just have to chalk it up to one of those things.

Though on next play-date, you can be vocal that the children need to be in the same room as both of you and ask your friend to supervise her DS closely when he had the ball ad you can’t afford to replace the glass again.

Sunnydays0101 · 11/01/2024 14:50

Actually, lock all rooms except for the room you are in.

Blaggingit123 · 11/01/2024 14:50

If neither of you were there there you don’t really know what happened? I would probably offer to pay but if it were slightly different and one of my dc had someone round to play without the parent and a window got broken I wouldn’t even mention it to the parent let alone request payment just because I’d surmised that their child had broken it. If you’d both been in the room when he did it then she is definitely rude not to offer but she may not have leapt to the same conclusion as you have. Do you definitely know it was the ball that broke it and not another object?

GlitteryDirt · 11/01/2024 14:50

So you had two 1.5 year olds (you don't say how old hers is but I guess roughly the same) who bithe have sensory needs, running round upstairs on their own. And both adults were down stairs?

It was bound to happen.

I'm sorry but I think this is on you for not supervising children in your own home. Yes it would have been nice if she offered but she hasn't so I would take full responsibility for it.

Oldermum84 · 11/01/2024 14:51

If you know it was definitely her son who caused the damage I'd get it fixed and pay and then send her the bill with something like "thanks for the number for the glazier, please see attached for the amount you owe me for the window your DS broke". Or you could ask for half in the same vain to keep relations.

If you're not sure who broke the window I think it's unfair to assume it was him and therefore ask for money.

DeeIee · 11/01/2024 14:52

20 seconds for 2 babies jlto jump a stair gate and break a window...not sure I think I'd just chalk this one up as the adults mistake.

Original poster
Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 14:52

thank you all! Sounds like i need to take a deep breath and message to say it’s
going to cost X, would you be willing to split the cost with me? and then panic when the reply comes in 😂I’m PAINFULLY shy so this is so awkward for me! Forgot to add her son apologised for throwing it so I don’t think there is any doubt about he did, but them were both hyper together as they always are so in no way am I blaming her son, these things happen, I just didn’t know the social norm for play dates and who pays for what if something is broken by your child in another home that costs a lot ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 14:54

GlitteryDirt · 11/01/2024 14:50

So you had two 1.5 year olds (you don't say how old hers is but I guess roughly the same) who bithe have sensory needs, running round upstairs on their own. And both adults were down stairs?

It was bound to happen.

I'm sorry but I think this is on you for not supervising children in your own home. Yes it would have been nice if she offered but she hasn't so I would take full responsibility for it.

No my youngest is 1.5, my daughter with sensory
Needs and my friend’s son are both 8.5

OP posts:
ChangeAgain2 · 11/01/2024 14:54

Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 14:48

They were being supervised, mainly by me as my friend was catching up on some emails but still engaging with us all. I Live in a small duplex flat with just my bedroom upstairs - we were all downstairs and within 20 seconds they must have jumped over the stair gate and run upstairs, ball got thrown as they had just been in the kitchen with us where I’d asked her son to stop running with the ball and less than half a minute later we heard
the bang. All happened very fast but they were being supervised.

They were not adequately supervised if they managed to get over the stair gate with a heavy sensory ball without you noticing. Then up the stairs with a heavy sensory ball without you noticing and breaking a window. Maybe next time meet at the park.

TillyTrifle · 11/01/2024 14:55

She should pay. She’s counting on you being too awkward to ask her too. She isn’t a friend.

‘thanks for the glazier’s number - have you already been in touch with them or shall I get the ball rolling? I’ll let you know once they’ve been round to do the quote and how much it is. Probably easiest if they invoice you direct rather than faffing around with me paying and then you reimbursing me but I’ll discuss that when they come round and see what they say.’

Approaches it as a team effort to get it sorted but absolute clear assumption that she bears the cost.

GlitteryDirt · 11/01/2024 14:55

Thanks for clarifying. I think this could have been so much worse...your daughter could have been seriously injured with no supervising adult.

Original poster
Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 14:55

Blaggingit123 · 11/01/2024 14:50

If neither of you were there there you don’t really know what happened? I would probably offer to pay but if it were slightly different and one of my dc had someone round to play without the parent and a window got broken I wouldn’t even mention it to the parent let alone request payment just because I’d surmised that their child had broken it. If you’d both been in the room when he did it then she is definitely rude not to offer but she may not have leapt to the same conclusion as you have. Do you definitely know it was the ball that broke it and not another object?

I don’t think any other object upstairs could have broken it - the ball is weighted
for sensory pressure and he never lets it go so I think it was that ball. Ugh.

OP posts:
bjrce · 11/01/2024 14:56

I think its very difficult to ask for payment oat this stage. By the way she has already reacted it sounds like she has no intention of offering. It's not a nice situation to be in, but they children weren't supervised at the time so it really was an accident waiting to happen, there's not an awful lot you can do about it at this point, bar being annoyed with both her and the child.

I wouldn't invite the child to my house again, also, count yourself lucky the child didn't injure or cut himself you could have the mum suing you based on it being in your home. It does happen!

Original poster
Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 14:57

TillyTrifle · 11/01/2024 14:55

She should pay. She’s counting on you being too awkward to ask her too. She isn’t a friend.

‘thanks for the glazier’s number - have you already been in touch with them or shall I get the ball rolling? I’ll let you know once they’ve been round to do the quote and how much it is. Probably easiest if they invoice you direct rather than faffing around with me paying and then you reimbursing me but I’ll discuss that when they come round and see what they say.’

Approaches it as a team effort to get it sorted but absolute clear assumption that she bears the cost.

Oh that’s clever! I’ll send this. Thank you. Feels less abrupt somehow than me billing her direct somehow!

OP posts:
Riverlee · 11/01/2024 14:58

I don’t think you can ask her. It was an accident.

Where were you when this incident happened?

Sunnydays0101 · 11/01/2024 14:59

Whatever about social norms ……..who pays for what if something is broken by your child in another home that costs a lot ☹️….

Incidences like this is part of what home insurance is for. Chances are if you ask for your friend to pay/contribute to this, it may well be the end of the friendship or a cooling off of it. You need to decide first what is more important in this situation - your daughter’s ongoing friendship with her friend or your friend paying for the glass replacement. That’s what it’s down to really, unfortunately.

TokyoSushi · 11/01/2024 15:00

I think if she doesn't pay the full amount then she should definitely at least go halves, she should have offered already!

Original poster
Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 15:01

We were in the kitchen / sitting room (one room) and play date was there with them in between there and my kids
bedroom next door (it’s a very small flat). Must have been less than 30 seconds between them leaving the kitchen and climbing up the stairs to my room where the window was broken).

OP posts:
Original poster
Amislytherin · 11/01/2024 15:02

I’m very keen not to lose a friend over this ☹️I don’t have many. I’m just struggling to afford an unexpected expense and will need to put in on my credit card.

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 11/01/2024 15:03

Just ask her if she will settle the invoice directly, or whether she has third party liability insurance?

Christmasgrinch234 · 11/01/2024 15:04

I was in the unsupervised camp until I saw the ages. At 8.5 the boy, even with ADHD should know not to throw heavy objects especially at windows. That’s not an accident. Kids being a bit excited/running around is how accidents happen but throwing a heavy object isn’t an accident.

CactusMactus · 11/01/2024 15:04

Seeing as the glazier has not replied, could you text her "hey, no word from glazer... how much was it last time you needed a window replacing? I'm quite stressed out by how much it might be..."