Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my expectations too high?

155 replies

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:26

Long story short I am someone who is very romantic and my love language is little gifts and surprises. My boyfriend’s is quality time.

I spoke to him the other day about how I felt a bit forgotten about - I love flowers and little notes etc but often when I bring these up he’ll do it once and never again. He said with the notes he never has the chance (he does) and with flowers he’s been worried about money.

Anyway yesterday he offers to cook dinner, so goes to the shop. He was over an hour. Because we only chatted the other day, I thought maybe he was buying flowers for our dinner, but he didn’t at all.

I can’t help but think he doesn’t do these things because he doesn’t want to and he’s not romantic which makes me sad. I always see things like “if he wanted to he would”.

An I being a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
planetarynoodle · 10/01/2024 21:27

No its fine if that's your thing. But buy yourself flowers he clearly won't.

hairbearbaby · 10/01/2024 21:29

You are being a little bratty, but if it's what makes you happy then no one else can dispute it.

I'd take pleasure in the fact he has offered to cook you dinner, and gone out to the supermarket to buy the food for the meal.

Original poster
jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:31

It’s more the fact I’ve brought it up a few times and then it still doesn’t happen

OP posts:
5128gap · 10/01/2024 21:33

Romance isnt giving someone specific instructions as to how to be romantic. Sending your partner to buy you flowers or telling him to write you a note when he obviously doesn't have any inclination to do so without being told is play acting romance. Real romance is the gestures a person chooses to make, so in his case the quality time.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 10/01/2024 21:33

He’s been worried about money but you still expect him to buy flowers?

snackatack · 10/01/2024 21:34

honestly, I'm not sure how far into the relationship you are..

I'm in a relationship with very different love languages - and knowing it doesn't make it easier

I'm many years (and 2 kids in) and part of me wishes I'd made a different choice

OH has lots of good qualities but I often feel very lonely and needy.

If you are not 'deep' then I'd look elsewhere!

MissingMoominMamma · 10/01/2024 21:34

I love flowers so I buy them for myself.

Occasionally DH will buy me some, because he’s seen them in the house and knows what I like.

Start a trend in your house too!

Kwasi · 10/01/2024 21:36

There's nothing romantic about buying someone flowers because you're pressured into if.

While some couples are all hearts and flowers, most aren't. If you don't adjust your expectations and stop watching romantic movies, you're going to spend your life being disappointed.

Original poster
jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:38

Guess I feel sad he doesn’t do it naturally then. Is it a bad thing?

OP posts:
Sunshineismyfavourite · 10/01/2024 21:38

You can't expect another person to feel the way you do about something even if it is your DH. Not to say he doesn't love you but he shows it in different ways. I've read so many fictional romance books and have thought how lovely it would be if my DH surprised me with love notes around the house, a picnic watching the sunset or rose petals scattered over the bed. But, that is just not his language, literally it's something that just wouldn't cross his mind and absolutely won't happen! But that's OK. I don't think it's a 'if he wanted to he would' but more of a 'it's not something that would cross his mind so why would he know to do it?' Accept him for who he is and how he shows his love for you and try not to expect what probably isn't going to happen. Don't force it. You'll both end up disappointed and frustrated too.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 10/01/2024 21:39

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:38

Guess I feel sad he doesn’t do it naturally then. Is it a bad thing?

Not bad OP but you'll just be disappointed and frustrated. Have you considered why these things are so important to you?

GlitteryDirt · 10/01/2024 21:40

Accept him for who is. Appreciate how he does show he loves you. You've already mentioned his love language is different to yours so not sure why you aren't applying that understanding.

FourLeggedBuckers · 10/01/2024 21:40

It’s fine if it’s a deal breaker for you, but if he’s worried about money there is no way he should be wasting money on flowers, and if writing notes doesn’t come naturally for him, that’s up to him too. Set him free so he can find someone he’s compatible with - and give yourself the chance to find someone who will give you the relationship you want.

Or accept it’s not that important to you, but don’t expect him to change. People don’t change.

YeahIsaidit · 10/01/2024 21:40

You can't just nag someone to buy you stuff and then get the hump when they don't, especially after they've told you they have money worries. Secondly re, the notes, if that's not something he does naturally you're going to have token dopey post-it's that he's felt obliged to write.... Stop being a princess and buy you're own flowers

Original poster
jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:40

I suppose because I do it, I see it as romantic. I always see TikTok posts etc about how their partner came home with flowers or set up a room etc

OP posts:
anqlsovbvb · 10/01/2024 21:41

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:40

I suppose because I do it, I see it as romantic. I always see TikTok posts etc about how their partner came home with flowers or set up a room etc

TikTok isn't real life

Sunshineismyfavourite · 10/01/2024 21:46

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:40

I suppose because I do it, I see it as romantic. I always see TikTok posts etc about how their partner came home with flowers or set up a room etc

They probably do that for the likes OP! As a PP has said, seriously, if you're not in deep with him then leave if it's that important to you. Personally I think all that stuff is rather shallow and unimportant when real life hits. My DH makes me tea and biscuits every evening when I'm too lazy to get up from the sofa. That's love and romance to me!

persisted · 10/01/2024 21:46

I bought myself daffodils a couple of days ago. It wouldn't occur to DH ever to do such a thing. I'm sure it doesn't occur to me to do stuff he would like. It's not bad, I know he loves me from other things that are arguably more important. Hopefully he does to.
That's just life, I don't consider tiktok to be real life.

Frozensun · 10/01/2024 21:50

Tik toc! Staged much?? Check out the love language of a long term couple. It’s the person who cooks for you, the person who runs back in to get your jumper for you, the one who gets the mouse out of the kitchen. Look at the intent behind these types of things, that’s love,

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/01/2024 21:56

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:40

I suppose because I do it, I see it as romantic. I always see TikTok posts etc about how their partner came home with flowers or set up a room etc

I came home from a weekend to find my partner had filled the bedroom with flowers - 40 or 50 bunches of them.

He was EA and I'd come home to tell him I was leaving.

Flowers aren't always romantic.

Wheresthefibre · 10/01/2024 21:56

If my partner said their love language was me buying them presents, because they see posts on tiktok I would tell them they are having a laugh. If I was worried about money and they kept repeatimg they wanted gifts, I would tell them where to go.

Firstly, tiktok isn't real life. I wouldn't be held to a standard that isn't real. In plenty of cases, the boyfriends buy things so they can make a tiktok. In some cases it will be out and out lies. They didn't buy it at all.

I don't understand how people get away with saying 'receiving gifts if how I accept love'. It's so materialistic. I thought the whole concept of love languages was to understand how your partner showed love so you could understand when they were showing love. Not so you received love only in the way you like. In which case you would be buying him gifts and he would understand that's how you show love. You would understand he was showing love when he spent time with you, cooked a meal for you to eat together etc

Seems very one sided to say 'you have to buy me gifts, but I will just spend time with you'

GoldDuster · 10/01/2024 21:56

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:40

I suppose because I do it, I see it as romantic. I always see TikTok posts etc about how their partner came home with flowers or set up a room etc

If you spend your life comparing it to TikTok posts you'll spend it being unhappy, nobody lives in a TikTok post, even Tik Tokkers, or whatever they're called.

It's like comparing your life to a rom com film, or a TV series, or a Mills and Boon book or whatever, it's not how life works. That's why its compelling, it's make believe.

planetarynoodle · 10/01/2024 21:58

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:40

I suppose because I do it, I see it as romantic. I always see TikTok posts etc about how their partner came home with flowers or set up a room etc

Channel your inner Miley Cyrus and buy yourself flowers and then do a tik tok of it

Kwasi · 10/01/2024 21:58

When DB & SIL came to visit once, they bought me flowers to say thank you. When I said I would need to find a receptacle because I didn't have a vase, SIL's face dropped. She asked if DH never bought me flowers. Her face dropped even more when I said he didn't.

DuchessPotato · 10/01/2024 21:59

jackinthebox75 · 10/01/2024 21:40

I suppose because I do it, I see it as romantic. I always see TikTok posts etc about how their partner came home with flowers or set up a room etc

Don’t take any notice of those kind of posts - they’re mostly all for show.

Romance is tricky because I think you have to “feel” what you’re doing. So if he thinks flowers are a waste of money and doesn’t get them, he’s not going to naturally want to buy them. Sounds like he buys them now and then when you remind him, because he wants you to be happy.

I’ve been with my DH 20 years now and I can remember when he covered the bedroom of a b and b in rose petals. Nowadays, romantic to me is him bringing me a lovely coffee in bed every morning! It’s kind of perception, circumstances, personalities…

Rather than being sad about what he doesn’t do, can you find a version of “romance” in things he does?