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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argh, look at this awful text from a date!

564 replies

londonisnotme · 10/01/2024 21:00

AIBU to think it's just bloody awful?

'Hi L! How are you? Sorry I haven't replied , busy few days in the office. Listen, I really enjoyed our time together but I think your caring roles are a different world to mine. It just doesn't seem right for me to, and I thought you needed to know. You ARE beautiful (yes you are!) , but I can't get past this. I needed you to know so you knew why sometimes it won't work , but I'm sure there's a very nice guy out there just for you 😌'

I go from thinking it's cringe, to patronising. To maybe making for of me?!

For context, went on a few dates. Kissed and asked to have sex. I did. I wanted to. Wasn't very good but we move

He's then text this. Whilst I'm on a date with someone else Saturday night Grin

I still haven't deleted the text so me and a few friends can have a laugh.

OP posts:
MissusWeasley · 10/01/2024 21:51

evilkeneivel · 10/01/2024 21:44

I don't understand why all the parent carer questions are being ignored?

OP, no one is trying to be awkward about this just trying to understand that element as it's his stated reason for being incompatible with you, yet you won't explain to us what he's referring to?

Could you please?

It’s been answered earlier, multiple times.

Alicewinn · 10/01/2024 21:51

what an idiot. Glad you moved on already with another date :)

Cosyblankets · 10/01/2024 21:51

Startingagainandagain · 10/01/2024 21:49

I assume he knew from the start you have caring responsibilities?

Yet he waited after he had sex with you to tell you this was a deal breaker/an issue for him.

A decent guy would not have wasted your time and his text is patronising.

To the people on his thread who think this text is perfectly fine: raise your standards...

He is just the usual time-waster ( this so common on online dating apps) who is just after sex then moves on to the next person. He used whatever excuse came into his little head to end it and it is likely he is congratulating himself for being 'honest' with women rather than ghosting them.

Do we know when OP told him about her caring responsibility? I didn't see that she told him from the start. Did I miss that?

Thisthreadonly · 10/01/2024 21:51

EarthSight · 10/01/2024 21:48

Were your looks ever part of the conversation in the date?? Like were you having a conversation about how you don't think you're attractive or something??

Because if not, that's random and yes, the tone is quite patronising and cringe😅I think you'd dodged one there.

I'm interested in your experience at Women's Aid and the language things you mentioned.

Me too re the women's aid comment. Maybe you can share to help others

planetarynoodle · 10/01/2024 21:51

What's the ideal message then? Thanks for the shag but I'm out?

MissusWeasley · 10/01/2024 21:51

You ARE beautiful (yes you are!)

Does he have his own backing singers, with jazz hands 🤗

FortunataTagnips · 10/01/2024 21:51

TLDR: I can’t be arsed with your disabled child.

Also, is everyone’s Google broken tonight?

Original poster
londonisnotme · 10/01/2024 21:52

EarthSight · 10/01/2024 21:48

Were your looks ever part of the conversation in the date?? Like were you having a conversation about how you don't think you're attractive or something??

Because if not, that's random and yes, the tone is quite patronising and cringe😅I think you'd dodged one there.

I'm interested in your experience at Women's Aid and the language things you mentioned.

I never mentioned my looks. When meeting he said I looked nice, to which I replied 'thank you, you too' or similar along those lines

Which is why it's so patronising and strange, even more so - Classic example of men thinking a woman wants their validation that they are beautiful after all.

Even when, shock horror, they're ignored or let go by someone as fabulous as them

OP posts:
EffortlesslyInelegant · 10/01/2024 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seriously now. This is not big and it's not clever. Also makes you look like a total dick. Is that the look you were going for?
Daily Mail comments section is over there >>>>>

Christmasnutcracker · 10/01/2024 21:53

Flickersy · 10/01/2024 21:23

You're clearly smarting from it. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here talking about how awful he was and how you don't care anyway.

I'm sorry it didn't work out but there's nothing truly awful about that text, and you were seeing other men. You said yourself it was casual.

If you're not bothered just chalk it up and move on. If you are bothered, I'm sorry it's not what you wanted, but you have other dates to distract you at least!

This.

Its hard being turned down though. Most of us have been there and done and said things we've regretted. I think he has behaved better than you though.

Jumpingpogosticks · 10/01/2024 21:53

Its a shame he couldn't find a head patting emoji to go with his patronising text.
Sorry but I have to laugh at how cringe it is.

SerafinasGoose · 10/01/2024 21:53

Nerurio · 10/01/2024 21:42

Enough with the self worth OP, he's allowed to be patronising but you aren't allowed to be anything but meek and polite in return - you're the woman, remember!
God so many of these responses are depressing.

Absolutely. As is the subtle (and sometimes crassly unsubtle) denigration of women who favour casual hook-ups and take their sexual pleasure where they choose to find it. It's men who are expected to take that liberty. We'll have 'where is your self respect?' before too long ...

littleburn · 10/01/2024 21:54

Last sentence is v. patronising. I'd be tempted to reply 'Yes, I agree you're not quite right for me, but I'm sure there's a lovely lady out there just for you.'

Original poster
londonisnotme · 10/01/2024 21:54

planetarynoodle · 10/01/2024 21:51

What's the ideal message then? Thanks for the shag but I'm out?

'Nice meeting you. Sorry but it won't work. I don't think I'm the compatible to be with someone's who's a carer'

But really there was no need to include that at all. But if he really wanted to, that sort of thing is fine

What's not is bringing in my looks and there will be the right guy for me

I know and I don't see why any women should care for their opinion on 1. How beautiful they think they are and 2. If they think there's 'someone out there for them'

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 10/01/2024 21:57

I think it’s fine. I imagine being a ‘parent carer’ would put off a lot of single men unfortunately.

Nerurio · 10/01/2024 21:57

Christmasnutcracker · 10/01/2024 21:53

This.

Its hard being turned down though. Most of us have been there and done and said things we've regretted. I think he has behaved better than you though.

Show quote history

I think I found your date OP!

Cosyblankets · 10/01/2024 21:58

londonisnotme · 10/01/2024 21:54

'Nice meeting you. Sorry but it won't work. I don't think I'm the compatible to be with someone's who's a carer'

But really there was no need to include that at all. But if he really wanted to, that sort of thing is fine

What's not is bringing in my looks and there will be the right guy for me

I know and I don't see why any women should care for their opinion on 1. How beautiful they think they are and 2. If they think there's 'someone out there for them'

Show quote history

Nice meeting you? Is that what people say when they've had sex? Maybe I'm out of touch

Mariposistaa · 10/01/2024 21:58

Parent carer - I take that as meaning OP cares for an elderly or disabled parent who takes up a fair bit of her time.

zendeveloper · 10/01/2024 21:58

I think OP it was a very clumsy and yes, very self-centred attempt to be kind. He clearly considered himself above your league, and it shows. But I think it is in some sense also commendable that he made an effort not to hurt you and not to leave you guessing and waiting (as clearly he expected you would).

CopperLion · 10/01/2024 22:00

God, I think it’s awful. Not sure why so few can see a middle ground where he could have just said ‘afraid I don’t think we’re compatible, but wishing you all the best’s

The worst bit for me is that it’s prefaced with ‘busy few days in the office’. Fancies himself as a big shot. Screams financial services 😂

EarthSight · 10/01/2024 22:01

There are some dicks on here aren't there?

It is actually possible, and one IS actually allowed to feel something other than zero emotion when one is treated in a less than ideal manner. EVEN if it's being rejected by someone who you might be glad to be rid of. It's ok to feel a bit upset and angry when you're patronised.

Isn't it clear that the OPs post is something along the lines of 'God the fucking cheek of him'? I don't think his text is awful, but it is quite 🤔

soupandcrackers · 10/01/2024 22:03

There's never an easy way to break up, especially by text, but whilst laughable it's not the worst thing I've ever seen. The bits about you being beautiful and there being a right guy for you make for a good laugh down the pub 😆

UserM6 · 10/01/2024 22:03

"I agree there's no compatibility. Sex is really important so that was a disappointment . Hope you find the one for you too. good luck"

cheekyplunder · 10/01/2024 22:03

That seems OK to me. He didn't ghost and was at least honest that your time and commitments weren't a match with his (or he probably thought the sex was as awkward as you did and just let you down how he thought was gentlemanly)!

perfectly fine, not awful text

Branleuse · 10/01/2024 22:03

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 10/01/2024 21:14

"Parent carer" in my county is used as a term for a parent who is a carer for a disabled child

Yeah, that's what it means here