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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Argh, look at this awful text from a date!

564 replies

londonisnotme · 10/01/2024 21:00

AIBU to think it's just bloody awful?

'Hi L! How are you? Sorry I haven't replied , busy few days in the office. Listen, I really enjoyed our time together but I think your caring roles are a different world to mine. It just doesn't seem right for me to, and I thought you needed to know. You ARE beautiful (yes you are!) , but I can't get past this. I needed you to know so you knew why sometimes it won't work , but I'm sure there's a very nice guy out there just for you 😌'

I go from thinking it's cringe, to patronising. To maybe making for of me?!

For context, went on a few dates. Kissed and asked to have sex. I did. I wanted to. Wasn't very good but we move

He's then text this. Whilst I'm on a date with someone else Saturday night Grin

I still haven't deleted the text so me and a few friends can have a laugh.

OP posts:
LouHey · 12/01/2024 07:46

It reminds me of a long winded text I got from a guy I'd been on 2 dates with (over 10 years ago now). His excuse (after we had sex) was that, sorry, he didn't want to date someone with kids and whole load of extras that implied i'd be devastated. I just ignored the text and blocked him.

Last year I got a random message from him on my new Facebook account. I'd forgotten all about him until I saw his photo. I asked him to remind me who he was. Lol. Him and his bruised ego have left me alone since.

LadyBird1973 · 12/01/2024 07:49

He presumably knew you were a carer before he had sex with you and that wasn't so off putting he didn't want to sleep with you, so he is inherently a selfish user, imo.

But, any text is going to be wrong and I think he is trying, albeit in a very clumsy way, to be truthful and not ghost. Ghosting is appalling behaviour so to me he gets points for not doing that.

You aren't heartbroken, but it obviously stings. But ultimately you wouldn't want someone in your child's life who didn't want to be 'all in' with you, so you've dodged a bullet with this one.

BurntToasts · 12/01/2024 08:04

Do we think this is like when a woman dumps a guy saying "You're a lovely guy!" or "You're such a catch and a nice person!" or is it not on par with reassuring a woman of her looks while dumping her?

sumayyah · 12/01/2024 08:21

Sounds like dude strung you along to get sex then thought he needed to let you know he's a good guy really by patronising you

I'm always up front that I have two special needs children so guys can back off if they don't want to be around someone who has responsibilities that mean they won't be the main focus

The way he decided to tell you your beautiful is how I talk to dogs when I meet them out hiking (your a gorgeous doggo, yes you are..... While giving them scritches) just wtf dude

Heather37231 · 12/01/2024 09:04

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 12/01/2024 02:21

Absolutely agree.

Age is just a number OldPerson, I'm 34.. and still believe sex is sacred and about bonding with the person you actually see yourself being with and really like - I've been this way since 19 years old and i was mocked for losing my virginity 'so late' - 19 wasn't late at all!!

My dad taught me as a young woman to view myself and my body as a temple and not to let just anyone use and abuse it - BEST advice and I've lived by it!!

Like really, I have no idea why 'casual sex' is even a thing! It's so degrading for a female - not trying to upset OP but what she's doing leads to many girls being called wh*res, bikes and other derogatory names .. self respect in girls and even some boys is greatly lacking in society today and its so sad to see.

My boys will be taught their bodies are temples too and to only give their jewels to someone who sees them and cares for them the way they do about the girl, not to rush into sex - Love has many ways it can be given to someone without even going there oh and they'll also be taught to not give in to temptation especially if its given to them on a plate (unless its a Krispy Kreme Donut!! ) Ha haa

Personally I find encouraging people to eat the disgusting calorie and UPF-laden carb fest that is a KrispyKreme Donut much more damaging to health than a bit of casual sex.

Your legitimisation of misogynistic slurs against women who like sex for its own sake is deeply disturbing. Yes, let’s tell women to change their behaviour rather than challenge the misogyny.

All those people who are saying the guy strung OP along so he could have sex. Why is it so hard to imagine that she might just have fancied some sex without thinking about the relationship very deeply at all?

Indifferentchickenwings · 12/01/2024 09:13

Mumof3PrettyBoys

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
totally disagree with your post

KissMyArt · 12/01/2024 09:14

Teacherprebaby · 12/01/2024 06:56

It is scary some of the responses. This is a patronising message from an illiterate idiot. And there is an easy way to 'dump' someone. The 'beautiful' line, ridiculous, but it shows what he thinks of women.

I sincerely hope you weren't a teacher 'pre baby' and that if you really were, you never go back to it.

An illiterate idiot is an awful thing to call anyone.

littlepetheart · 12/01/2024 09:22

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

oneflewoverthe · 12/01/2024 09:26

His message was a bit cringy but I don't think he was trying to upset you. It seems like this has upset you a bit so you are picking holes in his message. It's a bit crap he had sex with you then decided you weren't suitable though.

AnythingBUTnursing · 12/01/2024 09:37

Least he bothered his backside to text you and be honest. Who cares. Tell him, thanks I was thinking the same thing. Take care. End of conversation. Next.

Crafthead · 12/01/2024 09:43

Dating sucks and men are weird, inarticulate, and frequently insensitive. Why ask the internet? We all know this!

Brutalass · 12/01/2024 09:46

I can't decide whether he's an absolute egotist, or just really clumsy with words tbh!

In my head I'm thinking he's an egotist and my response would be

Hey

Didn't mean to ghost you either - obviously been busy with my kid(s) as they are and always will be my priority - but good to know the fact that you don't have a compassionate bone in your body wasn't just a hunch!

Thanks for the confirmation - but totally unnecessary, I already know I'm a beauty. My current beau says he can't take his eyes off me!

Don't go too hard on yourself about the totally mediocre sex. There will absolutely be someone out there who is THRILLED by your meagre performance.

Not that you should send one obv!! I think I'd just ignore, ignore, IGNORE!

Move on and be glad that you found out his true colours. No one wants mediocre sex anyway!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/01/2024 10:56

wizzywig · 11/01/2024 18:14

Maybe write 'after the sex we had, I realised we weren't compatible. But you're great (you are!), I know that there is an inexperienced person out there who deserves you

The above made me laugh.
I think at least he made it clear and in a polite if patronising way.
I know the grown up thing would be to send a thumbs up, or best wishes or just ignore but he does sound a bit conceited so it would be fun to compose something like the above. You don't have to send it but it would be a satisfying reply before you forget about him forever.
Don't forget to leave out the "Listen" tho 😅

SerafinasGoose · 12/01/2024 12:18

Like really, I have no idea why 'casual sex' is even a thing! It's so degrading for a female - not trying to upset OP but what she's doing leads to many girls being called whores, bikes and other derogatory names .. self respect in girls and even some boys is greatly lacking in society today and its so sad to see.

Casual sex is no more 'degrading' for a female than it is a male.

'Society', for want of a better word, calls women whores and bikes for enjoying no-strings sex, and you conclude it's women who are the problem?

If someone calls women derogary, slut-shaming names, this says everything about them. Women engaging in casual sex are not the issue.

Teacherprebaby · 12/01/2024 12:19

Oh I'm being hyperbolic calm down it's the internet.

Dinkiedoo · 12/01/2024 12:45

Patronising. Move on hun xxx

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 12/01/2024 14:12

SerafinasGoose · 12/01/2024 12:18

Like really, I have no idea why 'casual sex' is even a thing! It's so degrading for a female - not trying to upset OP but what she's doing leads to many girls being called whores, bikes and other derogatory names .. self respect in girls and even some boys is greatly lacking in society today and its so sad to see.

Casual sex is no more 'degrading' for a female than it is a male.

'Society', for want of a better word, calls women whores and bikes for enjoying no-strings sex, and you conclude it's women who are the problem?

If someone calls women derogary, slut-shaming names, this says everything about them. Women engaging in casual sex are not the issue.

Edited

Like i said very clearly - Each to their own.

No such thing as 'no strings' sex - every single time you lay with someone you contract their energy good or bad, bonding begins and you also expose yourself to STI's and other germs jumping from Tom, to Dick to Harry!! How will females like OP even know if the guy she's 'casually' shagging isnt involved with many diff other women like she is involved with many diff males? See how easy it is to spread Infections??

Protected or not - we know using condoms there is still a risk it might break leaving both sides exposed and unprotected. Its clumsy and dirty imo.

What i said comes from a spiritual point of view. Just like my views on gender disphoria or whatever excuse people use to change their god given gender. 'I feel like I was born a unicorn - i'm not in the right body' it does not give me the right to alter my forehead and surgically add a brightly coloured glittery horn to my forehead because i woke up feeling like a unicorn does it?

I understand not everyone has the same beliefs as me but I know what I know and sex is SACRED - it is not even debatable at this point. Educate yourselves because i am unapologetic.

I'm realistic. Society was the correct word to use because many sheeps in society think this is perfectly fine and nothing wrong with it. Each to their own but its disgusting and puts people at risk everytime. Self respect is lacking in BOTH sexes hence men doing it and females doing it

Mens equivalent to being called a bike is 'f*ck boys' - where i'm from females tend to avoid fck boys because when you are clean and you go with a f boy - you've potentially mixed your clean bodily fluids with about 30+ other foreign bodily fluids which will imbalance ones vaginal PH resulting thrush, bv or other vaginal problems.

All i'm saying is the casual sex culture needs scrapping. If you dont intend on being with the person dont sleep with them and then complain they lost interest In you or that they've given u a non treatable STI its pointless.

Sex is so special when its with the one you love and the one you are with. No feeling like it and your partner will know how to properly pleasure you - date, bash and dash is the guy fulfilling his needs - he isnt trying to satisfy you at that point!!

Hence me being suprised that OP even said the sex wasnt great - what was she actually hoping for without bonding and trying out all these diff penises??

Ive had the same partner for almost 15 years, we have 3 beauty boys and sex is still amazing & steamy because he knows me like i know him, we know eachothers likes and dislikes - he WANTS to please me and I WANT to please him - we are 2 halves and together we are whole. I wish all females would experience a love like the one I've got. You'd soon change your view if you did.
quality over quantity every single time, with everything in life. Value yourselves more, females and males!!

Such a shame, so sad

PeggyPoggleshaw · 12/01/2024 14:51

Wooloohooloo · 11/01/2024 21:57

I don't understand the level of hate. He's trying to be honest and nice at the same time. Yes it's a bit cringey and awkward but is there an easy way dump someone?

Because it gives certain posters a great opportunity for some good old Mumsnet misandry.

Wintersun1xxx · 12/01/2024 16:57

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 12/01/2024 14:12

Like i said very clearly - Each to their own.

No such thing as 'no strings' sex - every single time you lay with someone you contract their energy good or bad, bonding begins and you also expose yourself to STI's and other germs jumping from Tom, to Dick to Harry!! How will females like OP even know if the guy she's 'casually' shagging isnt involved with many diff other women like she is involved with many diff males? See how easy it is to spread Infections??

Protected or not - we know using condoms there is still a risk it might break leaving both sides exposed and unprotected. Its clumsy and dirty imo.

What i said comes from a spiritual point of view. Just like my views on gender disphoria or whatever excuse people use to change their god given gender. 'I feel like I was born a unicorn - i'm not in the right body' it does not give me the right to alter my forehead and surgically add a brightly coloured glittery horn to my forehead because i woke up feeling like a unicorn does it?

I understand not everyone has the same beliefs as me but I know what I know and sex is SACRED - it is not even debatable at this point. Educate yourselves because i am unapologetic.

I'm realistic. Society was the correct word to use because many sheeps in society think this is perfectly fine and nothing wrong with it. Each to their own but its disgusting and puts people at risk everytime. Self respect is lacking in BOTH sexes hence men doing it and females doing it

Mens equivalent to being called a bike is 'f*ck boys' - where i'm from females tend to avoid fck boys because when you are clean and you go with a f boy - you've potentially mixed your clean bodily fluids with about 30+ other foreign bodily fluids which will imbalance ones vaginal PH resulting thrush, bv or other vaginal problems.

All i'm saying is the casual sex culture needs scrapping. If you dont intend on being with the person dont sleep with them and then complain they lost interest In you or that they've given u a non treatable STI its pointless.

Sex is so special when its with the one you love and the one you are with. No feeling like it and your partner will know how to properly pleasure you - date, bash and dash is the guy fulfilling his needs - he isnt trying to satisfy you at that point!!

Hence me being suprised that OP even said the sex wasnt great - what was she actually hoping for without bonding and trying out all these diff penises??

Ive had the same partner for almost 15 years, we have 3 beauty boys and sex is still amazing & steamy because he knows me like i know him, we know eachothers likes and dislikes - he WANTS to please me and I WANT to please him - we are 2 halves and together we are whole. I wish all females would experience a love like the one I've got. You'd soon change your view if you did.
quality over quantity every single time, with everything in life. Value yourselves more, females and males!!

Such a shame, so sad

You can have moral values & self respect without being spiritual. I happen to have faith but I don't equate spiritual people with being the only people who don't sleep around. I find this attitude quite pious. The thought of casual sex for me would be dredful although I also believe it's a choice despite in my opinion a bad choice. This has been proven time & time again by the hurt & insecurity it can cause. As for sex in a mutually loving long term relationship, absolutely brilliant 😁

Heather37231 · 12/01/2024 17:04

Ah of course. Jesus at play chez @Mumof3PrettyBoys. Nuffsaid. Each to their own I guess.

SerafinasGoose · 12/01/2024 17:12

Wintersun1xxx · 12/01/2024 16:57

You can have moral values & self respect without being spiritual. I happen to have faith but I don't equate spiritual people with being the only people who don't sleep around. I find this attitude quite pious. The thought of casual sex for me would be dredful although I also believe it's a choice despite in my opinion a bad choice. This has been proven time & time again by the hurt & insecurity it can cause. As for sex in a mutually loving long term relationship, absolutely brilliant 😁

It's also hysterical that those who refuse to go around censoring other women's behaviour are assumed to a) not know what real lurrrrrve is and b) implicitly have - and are going around spreading - an STI!

Brilliant stuff, but I'm especially grinning over the impromptu sex lesson😂

For the funniest and most entertaining post I've read on Mumsnet in 2024 ... 🎖

Wintersun1xxx · 12/01/2024 17:26

SerafinasGoose · 12/01/2024 17:12

It's also hysterical that those who refuse to go around censoring other women's behaviour are assumed to a) not know what real lurrrrrve is and b) implicitly have - and are going around spreading - an STI!

Brilliant stuff, but I'm especially grinning over the impromptu sex lesson😂

For the funniest and most entertaining post I've read on Mumsnet in 2024 ... 🎖

To be fair & as already mentioned, I personally find the thought of casual sex dreadful. People with my opinion, who usually clarify this by saying it's a choice & each to their own, are just as entitled to their thoughts as those who participate in random sex. I don't feel this is being judgemental at least not on my part. It's just another way of looking at it.

LadyBird1973 · 12/01/2024 17:55

If two people want to have sex because they just feel like it, I can't see why that's a problem, so long as there is honesty and no intention to deceive.
Where it becomes problematic is when one party implies they are looking for a more serious relationship than another hey really are, knowing the other party wouldn't be so keen on sex if they knew the truth.

It's dishonesty which is disgusting and devalues sex, not two consenting adults having a good time together.

SerafinasGoose · 12/01/2024 17:56

Wintersun1xxx · 12/01/2024 17:26

To be fair & as already mentioned, I personally find the thought of casual sex dreadful. People with my opinion, who usually clarify this by saying it's a choice & each to their own, are just as entitled to their thoughts as those who participate in random sex. I don't feel this is being judgemental at least not on my part. It's just another way of looking at it.

Edited

But I've shared no thoughts on how I view or conduct my personal sex life. Nor would I : it has precisely FA to do with anyone else despite the snide insinuations above. Likewise, the way others conduct their sex lives is none of my business. If they want to have casual sex, fine, that's up to them. Doesn't affect me and I'm not about to post censorious replies about others' sexual behaviour.

This is the difference between my attitude and the ones expressing their horror over casual sex. No one's wringing their hands over others' sexual practices of not wanting to engage in casual hook-ups. That moralizing is coming entirely from the other perspective.

Wintersun1xxx · 12/01/2024 18:11

SerafinasGoose · 12/01/2024 17:56

But I've shared no thoughts on how I view or conduct my personal sex life. Nor would I : it has precisely FA to do with anyone else despite the snide insinuations above. Likewise, the way others conduct their sex lives is none of my business. If they want to have casual sex, fine, that's up to them. Doesn't affect me and I'm not about to post censorious replies about others' sexual behaviour.

This is the difference between my attitude and the ones expressing their horror over casual sex. No one's wringing their hands over others' sexual practices of not wanting to engage in casual hook-ups. That moralizing is coming entirely from the other perspective.

Admittedly this thread has become slightly derailed , not my fault, just replying to what I'm reading. Why are people who don't like the idea of casual sex any less entitled to express this than those who do? The fact is just because I wouldn't find casual sex in the least bit satisfying & indeed couldn't bring myself to be intimate with someone I hardly know doesn't mean to say I don't accept others are fine with it. There are plenty of people here who do share their intimate details so all I'm doing is giving my own thoughts from a different perspective. Anyway enough of this from me. We are all here to express opinions & if we dont agree thats ok.