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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argh, look at this awful text from a date!

564 replies

londonisnotme · 10/01/2024 21:00

AIBU to think it's just bloody awful?

'Hi L! How are you? Sorry I haven't replied , busy few days in the office. Listen, I really enjoyed our time together but I think your caring roles are a different world to mine. It just doesn't seem right for me to, and I thought you needed to know. You ARE beautiful (yes you are!) , but I can't get past this. I needed you to know so you knew why sometimes it won't work , but I'm sure there's a very nice guy out there just for you 😌'

I go from thinking it's cringe, to patronising. To maybe making for of me?!

For context, went on a few dates. Kissed and asked to have sex. I did. I wanted to. Wasn't very good but we move

He's then text this. Whilst I'm on a date with someone else Saturday night Grin

I still haven't deleted the text so me and a few friends can have a laugh.

OP posts:
Superduper02 · 11/01/2024 16:50

Sunnysideup999 · 11/01/2024 15:01

I think he IS showing respect for OP though.
He is communicating (in a straightforward way) why a relationship won’t work for him. And his reasons are truthful and thought through (albeit it may be hard to hear).
It is better (and less toxic) than ghosting (which by the sounds of it OP was planning on doing), or stringing along, or making up some other excuse which isn’t the truth.

In a world where there is so much double speak, mixed messaging and toxic avoidance - its really not ‘awful’ when someone expresses truthfully how they feel and tries to do that in a way that is trying to be considerate. You could take it as patronising, or you could take it as meant in good spirit and wish them well.

Show quote history

Totally agree @Sunnysideup999! People speak differently. Maybe patronising but comparing it to manipulative and toxic relationships is a stretch! People need to chill.

FourLeggedBuckers · 11/01/2024 17:08

SirQuintusAureliusMaximus · 11/01/2024 14:05

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea

You are missing the point . Totally .

No I'm not. I agree it's patronising but I was specifically responding to the person who said it wasn't "better" than being ghosted and I was explaining why I think that being ghosted is worse behaviour.

@FourLeggedBuckers

You don’t get to decide that I have an issue with this text for spurious reasons of your own fabrication.

What you are talking about is my opinion, and yes I do get to decide my own opinion! LOL.

I really don’t think you’ve bothered understanding post. I am correcting your assumptions about my motivation, as stated in your previous post. I think that’s perfectly clear, even in the sentence you’ve quoted. I think you’ve missed the pony (again).

FourLeggedBuckers · 11/01/2024 17:09

*point, although that is an excellent autocorrect.

exaltedwombat · 11/01/2024 17:50

"...Whilst I'm on a date with someone else..."
Who, presumably, you were about to shag too, if he was vaguely acceptable?

Fine, but I don't think either of you can expect Victorian levels of sexual etiquette in this non-relationship!

BringMeSunshine48 · 11/01/2024 17:51

I think it's quite nice, diplomatic and honest.

He hasn't ghosted you.

He's decided there's no future in it and explained why in a polite way.

He said you are beautiful and there's someone out there better suited for you.

Men can't do right for wrong really.

They ghost it's wrong. They're honest and let you know the state of play - that's wrong.

It's called dating. It can go either way.

You chose to sleep with him early on, so that's on you. You are an adult. It doesn't however guarantee marriage, nor a long term commitment.

sab500s · 11/01/2024 17:53

I think for some people it may be a big deal? Having sex is the most intimate act you can do with someone so i do think it's good for him to message instead of a short " I don't think we should see eachother " text .

Mumabearwithme · 11/01/2024 17:56

I’d appreciate him being honest, especially in an age where most people just disappear. It doesn’t sound like you liked him much anyway, so you’re parting ways amicably.

Mumkins42 · 11/01/2024 17:57

The text is patronising and I agree a little clumsy. But I actually appreciate this much more than being ghosted. It all sounds like a bull excuse, but as has happened to most of us at some point in our lives, you'll never always know the real reason.

I personally would just ignore the message. I wouldn't know what to say. What can you say really; it doesn't warrant a reply so I don't think that's rude of you. I think you'll feel better about this all down the road having just ignored it.

T1Dmama · 11/01/2024 17:58

Merseymum992 · 10/01/2024 21:12

I don't see the problem here. He wasn't nasty - in fact he was very nice. I think the fact you're saving it to laugh at him with your friends shows that he's had a lucky escape. You're mean

This.
While his text is a little weird, I don’t think grown women should sit around taking the piss out of someone who was trying to be kind

Tessabelle74 · 11/01/2024 17:58

Would you rather he'd carried on seeing you for sex then dumped you further down the line? I think a text is a bit impersonal but that seems common now, at least he didn't just ghost you. I think it's a bit of a dick move to share it with your friends to take the piss

FannyFarting · 11/01/2024 18:02

At least he was honest. Best avoid a man who doesn’t rate caring for family anyway .

ChanelNo19EDT · 11/01/2024 18:04

awful but better than being ghosted

Nerurio · 11/01/2024 18:06

"At least he didn't ghost you".

🤦‍♀️

OP and her standards, eh.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 11/01/2024 18:10

it’s not ideal, but there has been worse! I think stuff like this is a bit awkward as standard TBH so thats why a lot of people ghost! Like others have said it comes across as clumsy!

I’d just reply with ‘no problem, I wasn’t really looking for long term commitment at this stage so hadn’t thought much more about it’.

DetectiveDouche · 11/01/2024 18:11

I think the term “parent carer” is perfectly self explanatory. Perhaps because I have a disabled son.. but even so… 🤷‍♀️

SacreBleugh · 11/01/2024 18:12

Text back
"No worries. Likewise apologies for not texting. It's been a busy week! And don't stress-I'm sure there's a nice gal out there somewhere for you."

wizzywig · 11/01/2024 18:14

Maybe write 'after the sex we had, I realised we weren't compatible. But you're great (you are!), I know that there is an inexperienced person out there who deserves you

NoodleDoodle24 · 11/01/2024 18:15

This reminds me of when I was single and dated someone out of boredom 😫

We worked in different departments of the same company. He was telling his team he wasn’t sure how to end things. I then sent a text pretending to be to someone else to end it. There was no sex lol. He was so drab nothing like that was on the agenda.

He was so arrogant that if I’d tried to end it saying “I dont want to see you” it would’ve been “well we weren’t together anyway”. For all I bottled it I’d do it again if I had to 😂😂😂.

yaysummerisover · 11/01/2024 18:23

You dodged a bullet there. Thanks for the text buddy but was myself looking for someone how shall we say better built. Take care tiny 🤣

Thegoodbadandugly · 11/01/2024 18:46

Maybe he's seen you out dating another man at the same time as your dating him so perhaps might have been the only thing he could think of.

pollymere · 11/01/2024 18:57

I'm a full-time carer to my DC. The people I know in similar situations call it being "a parent". If he can't get past you being a parent to a disabled child, then at least he's being honest with you. It's a tough gig and not everyone is up for it. Why be horrible about it on Mumsnet?

MonsterRehab23 · 11/01/2024 18:58

Does his name start with a ‘K’ by any chance? I work with a guy who loves running and is also dating with less success. I can totally see him sending a text like that. He’s a lovely guy just a bit clumsy with words.

GrannyRose15 · 11/01/2024 19:03

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 11/01/2024 10:16

I'm going to channel that guy who messaged the OP for this one!

Yes. It means the same thing it has always meant on this forum, since the heady days of 2010 and earlier: a parent carer is someone who is the parent to a disabled child. The expression developed, because the term parent is insufficiently communicative about the responsibilities of people with disabled children. Disabled children need more care than non-disabled children of the same age, and they do not develop independent living skills on the same trajectory as their peers, due to the disability. This means parent carers have more intense responsibilities and for longer. Sometimes disabled children become disabled adults who always need a parent or someone to act in the role of a parent.

Show quote history

Thanks for the low down. But it can’t be such a common term as many people don’t seem to understand it. It would have been easy enough for the op to explain what she meant instead of ignoring the requests for clarification. Once you know what it means it is obvious of course.

Hagpie · 11/01/2024 19:04

If it was only meant to be casual then it’s even worse. Now I’m sitting in my house cringing - thanks OP! 😂

ChanelNo19EDT · 11/01/2024 19:22

Ramalangadingdong · 11/01/2024 08:22

This guy isn’t serious about dating anyone but is just after sex and prefers to play games rather than be upfront about it. What is more, he is subtly letting the women know after the event that they’ve been “had” - even if he knows that they are not that into him. The yes you are! is a childish reference to having seen her naked. He is letting her know that he isn’t the nice guy she is looking for, even though he pretended to be before they slept together.

This is not a clumsy text from a guy trying to do the right thing, it is a patronising put down from a wanker. Op is a clever young woman who saw through it immediately and called it out from the start. Perhaps her being a parent carer makes her more pragmatic about these things while a lot of us (older?) women must be so brainwashed by misogynistic shit that we thought he was at least trying to do the right thing. Bullshit.

Agree with this, enough time had passed that he started off with 'apologies for not replying' so, OP already knew the score really. He let her know she'd been had while wrapping it up in an extremely patronising put down.

And just because this kind of reply is slightly better than being ghosted (I still think so) it doesn't mean that I don't think ''well isn't that a lovely message''

I'm not dating (God, haven't the courage) but I like the response ''completely agree Rob, All the best''. No remarks about crap sex. He'll know. No digs about him finding a lovely lady. He wants a parade of ladies not a lovely lady

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