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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argh, look at this awful text from a date!

564 replies

londonisnotme · 10/01/2024 21:00

AIBU to think it's just bloody awful?

'Hi L! How are you? Sorry I haven't replied , busy few days in the office. Listen, I really enjoyed our time together but I think your caring roles are a different world to mine. It just doesn't seem right for me to, and I thought you needed to know. You ARE beautiful (yes you are!) , but I can't get past this. I needed you to know so you knew why sometimes it won't work , but I'm sure there's a very nice guy out there just for you 😌'

I go from thinking it's cringe, to patronising. To maybe making for of me?!

For context, went on a few dates. Kissed and asked to have sex. I did. I wanted to. Wasn't very good but we move

He's then text this. Whilst I'm on a date with someone else Saturday night Grin

I still haven't deleted the text so me and a few friends can have a laugh.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/01/2024 22:29

It’s actually kinda sweet tbh

QueenBitch666 · 11/01/2024 22:31

He sounds like a patronising knob. I've got the ick just reading his message 🤮

Wooloohooloo · 11/01/2024 22:35

No I'm much more matter of fact and don't use such flowery language but would've thrown in some platitude about him being a really nice guy blah blah blah. As I said, it's cringey and awkward but they barely know each other - hence not knowing what she wanted or what she thought.

Whiskeypowers · 11/01/2024 22:38

I’m starting to wonder on reflection if he’s watched Hugh Grant in too many Richard Curtis films…….
say no more

Indifferentchickenwings · 11/01/2024 22:55

This guy is a clumsy, patronising wanker - but at least he isn't a ghoster. Wish him well, wave him on his way, and onwards and upwards to better dates

KissMyArt · 11/01/2024 23:01

He sounds a bit like Kevin from Motherland

But all in all, sounds like he means well.

Tartantotty · 11/01/2024 23:46

I can't understand how this message could cause offence. Ok, it's a bit clumsy and not very grammatical BUT at least the guy took the trouble to write to you and offer an explanation as to why he thinks a relationship with you wouldn't work.

I don't understand the carer bit - does it refer to your kids or what?

I would reply than thank him for being honest. Ignoring his is playing the horrid ghosting game.

CheezePleeze · 11/01/2024 23:48

Tartantotty · 11/01/2024 23:46

I can't understand how this message could cause offence. Ok, it's a bit clumsy and not very grammatical BUT at least the guy took the trouble to write to you and offer an explanation as to why he thinks a relationship with you wouldn't work.

I don't understand the carer bit - does it refer to your kids or what?

I would reply than thank him for being honest. Ignoring his is playing the horrid ghosting game.

The message isn't offensive at all, is it?

Sounds like the OP is just licking her wounds, so trying to find fault in it.

LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 01:25

Tartantotty · 11/01/2024 23:46

I can't understand how this message could cause offence. Ok, it's a bit clumsy and not very grammatical BUT at least the guy took the trouble to write to you and offer an explanation as to why he thinks a relationship with you wouldn't work.

I don't understand the carer bit - does it refer to your kids or what?

I would reply than thank him for being honest. Ignoring his is playing the horrid ghosting game.

Agree. He's trying to be diplomatic. It's quite churlish to fault him.

LaurieStrode · 12/01/2024 01:26

Wooloohooloo · 11/01/2024 21:57

I don't understand the level of hate. He's trying to be honest and nice at the same time. Yes it's a bit cringey and awkward but is there an easy way dump someone?

Exactly.

RogueFemale · 12/01/2024 01:41

Cringe, patronising, yes. Laugh and move on.

OldPerson · 12/01/2024 01:50

You're being an idiot. You obviously made a big enough impression that he cares about how you're feeling. He's obviously also an idiot in being clumsy and not good enough for you. You weren't made for each other. No one (but pride) was hurt in the process of discovering this. Use this intelligence to refine your search for someone who will make you happy for a lifetime. When you meet someone who is worthwhile to you, you won't care about this person, but you will still care about how you've treated other people.

OldPerson · 12/01/2024 01:57

And next time. Maybe wait to have sex until you work out if you really like someone? I'm just old. But sex used to be about bonding and desire and intimacy - it wasn't just scratching an itch and asking why not? It was asking about why? with this person? would I want to be so naked and intimate?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2024 02:09

i’m oldish and sex could absolutely be about scratching an itch when I was single.

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 12/01/2024 02:21

OldPerson · 12/01/2024 01:57

And next time. Maybe wait to have sex until you work out if you really like someone? I'm just old. But sex used to be about bonding and desire and intimacy - it wasn't just scratching an itch and asking why not? It was asking about why? with this person? would I want to be so naked and intimate?

Absolutely agree.

Age is just a number OldPerson, I'm 34.. and still believe sex is sacred and about bonding with the person you actually see yourself being with and really like - I've been this way since 19 years old and i was mocked for losing my virginity 'so late' - 19 wasn't late at all!!

My dad taught me as a young woman to view myself and my body as a temple and not to let just anyone use and abuse it - BEST advice and I've lived by it!!

Like really, I have no idea why 'casual sex' is even a thing! It's so degrading for a female - not trying to upset OP but what she's doing leads to many girls being called wh*res, bikes and other derogatory names .. self respect in girls and even some boys is greatly lacking in society today and its so sad to see.

My boys will be taught their bodies are temples too and to only give their jewels to someone who sees them and cares for them the way they do about the girl, not to rush into sex - Love has many ways it can be given to someone without even going there oh and they'll also be taught to not give in to temptation especially if its given to them on a plate (unless its a Krispy Kreme Donut!! ) Ha haa

FishBowlSwimmer · 12/01/2024 03:07

It does come across as patronising and cringe, but I think he was genuinely trying to be nice, he got it wrong, obviously. Sounds like he understands how hard it is to be a carer, that he doesn't want that for himself but he also doesn't want to make OP feel bad for something that isn't her fault. He's presumptuous in that he thinks OP might be upset about it or doubt herself, but a lot of people may well have been. I think he's just tied himself up in knots second guessing how OP would feel and as a result he's ended up with a message that you could take as insulting. I would just accept that none of us are perfect he got it wrong but his intention was genuinely well meaning. I wouldn't ridicule him for it though.

FishBowlSwimmer · 12/01/2024 03:15

Mumof3PrettyBoys · 12/01/2024 02:21

Absolutely agree.

Age is just a number OldPerson, I'm 34.. and still believe sex is sacred and about bonding with the person you actually see yourself being with and really like - I've been this way since 19 years old and i was mocked for losing my virginity 'so late' - 19 wasn't late at all!!

My dad taught me as a young woman to view myself and my body as a temple and not to let just anyone use and abuse it - BEST advice and I've lived by it!!

Like really, I have no idea why 'casual sex' is even a thing! It's so degrading for a female - not trying to upset OP but what she's doing leads to many girls being called wh*res, bikes and other derogatory names .. self respect in girls and even some boys is greatly lacking in society today and its so sad to see.

My boys will be taught their bodies are temples too and to only give their jewels to someone who sees them and cares for them the way they do about the girl, not to rush into sex - Love has many ways it can be given to someone without even going there oh and they'll also be taught to not give in to temptation especially if its given to them on a plate (unless its a Krispy Kreme Donut!! ) Ha haa

Show quote history

If people are calling women names for enjoying sex, that's their problem. I respect your views on sex, to me it's always better with someone who you love or at least genuinely care about, but having sex for sex sake doesn't give anyone the right to label anyone a whore, it's just another way to oppress and control women into behaviour that misogynistic men prefer.

Teacherprebaby · 12/01/2024 06:38

You dodged a bullet. Who doesn't know their too/to/two....

Seriously though, it's a fine text, he could have just said it's not for me, thanks and best of luck, odd to add the other 'reasons' which are not real reasons of course.

Who 'asked for sex' him or you? Also how was the Sat night date?

Laura0076 · 12/01/2024 06:49

If the sex wasn't very good anyway... your not missing out 🤣

He probably shouldn't of asked for it given he already knew your caring role wasn't for him at that point... but you seen cool with it (I would be too so not a judgement)

You were already out on a date with someone else so he clearly wasn't for you either.. I think the text is fine... he probably just felt he needed to explain it some how.

Best of luck in your future dates! The dating game is a minefield!!!

Teacherprebaby · 12/01/2024 06:56

It is scary some of the responses. This is a patronising message from an illiterate idiot. And there is an easy way to 'dump' someone. The 'beautiful' line, ridiculous, but it shows what he thinks of women.

ZombieGirl86 · 12/01/2024 06:58

FishBowlSwimmer · 12/01/2024 03:07

It does come across as patronising and cringe, but I think he was genuinely trying to be nice, he got it wrong, obviously. Sounds like he understands how hard it is to be a carer, that he doesn't want that for himself but he also doesn't want to make OP feel bad for something that isn't her fault. He's presumptuous in that he thinks OP might be upset about it or doubt herself, but a lot of people may well have been. I think he's just tied himself up in knots second guessing how OP would feel and as a result he's ended up with a message that you could take as insulting. I would just accept that none of us are perfect he got it wrong but his intention was genuinely well meaning. I wouldn't ridicule him for it though.

Exactly this, above all he tried to be honest about why. That in my book isnt worthy of the derrission.

So its a tad patronising who cares if your not into him??

Grayl · 12/01/2024 07:08

Funny that it took him a few dates to make this decision, I wonder what he was waiting for 🙄🙄

Jumpingthruhoops · 12/01/2024 07:25

EarthSight · 10/01/2024 21:48

Were your looks ever part of the conversation in the date?? Like were you having a conversation about how you don't think you're attractive or something??

Because if not, that's random and yes, the tone is quite patronising and cringe😅I think you'd dodged one there.

I'm interested in your experience at Women's Aid and the language things you mentioned.

That's how I read it. 'Yes you are!' definitely sounds like it's a reference to a conversation they'd had previously.

I can't see much wrong with that text to be honest. A bit clumsy, sure, but he's given an actual reason for thinking they're not compatible and has tried to be kind. I really don't see any 'red flags' or 'ego'.

Jumpingthruhoops · 12/01/2024 07:35

UserM6 · 10/01/2024 22:03

"I agree there's no compatibility. Sex is really important so that was a disappointment . Hope you find the one for you too. good luck"

But, see, that's just nasty. His text, while a bit cringe, wasn't remotely nasty.
I think he's getting a lot of unnecessary stick to be honest. As others have said, he could have just ghosted.

EthicalBlend · 12/01/2024 07:38

Looks OK to me. Polite, and deals with the subject.