Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

Wow OP you are really going through it. I feel for you. It sounds like you have tried everything. Please take these posters with a huge grain of salt. If there was a simple solution you would have found it long ago. I agree that so many of these comments are ignorant and naive. The threshold for being sectioned is so high that even people in abject crisis don't meet it. The system is broken. Save yourself and please please find some support, either with a therapist who knows this topic well or with a support group or both. You need to rest and heal.

"And this is how he treats her"? He's not culpable. In a court of law he'd be declared not guilty by reason of insanity. Paranoid schizophrenia (on top of everything else) means he's not in control of his behaviour. Using words like "awful" to describe him I think is extremely unfair. He's not in charge here.

It's incredibly sad as really he needs heavily medicated and constant monitoring. There is nothing OP can do for him in this regard as it takes specialists in this field to manage him. He needs to be in residential care as well as taking the appropriate medication.

You owe him absolutely nothing. By this point, you’ve done your best and this is now abuse you do not have to endure.
i would pack up and move. Ghost him completely. I know it’s a drastic thing to do, but it’s better than living your life like this, and it’s far far better than giving up on your life.

my family and I have cut off my brother for this kind of abuse.

set yourself free.

Heh. From the replies, you can tell who has actually endured this kind of thing, and who hasn’t.

you people who seem to think the poor wee mannie is just misunderstood, go read the post again and imagine experiencing every one of those things.

imagine trying to live a life while experiencing those things. - keep it together at work, get some sleep at all, stay at all healthy - none of it is possible.

Again this is awful language. "Demon".

With his list of conditions he's not in charge of his emotions/behaviour. His conditions are controlling him. I once behaved awfully (swearing, throwing food around) which was caused by extreme anxiety, but i was fortunate enough that i was able to snap out of that behaviour as my condition isn't fixed. His is fixed (without the appropriate medication which he clearly isn't getting)

He thanked his mum for a present, then opened it and responded with "it's in the bin, I don't want anything from a cunt". I find that heartbreaking on his behalf (ad well as OP's of course). There was the normal reaction to begin with, then the damaged one as a follow up.

I have nothing but immense sympathy OP, for him, and their whole family. He's so damaged that really nothing bar expert treatment will suffice. He would need to be getting that before any interaction with OP. It's unfair to subject him without treatment on her or anyone. Nobody could deal with that.

Oh my, you poor mother. I’ve been here too. My son was also 13 when it started. Up until then he’d been in school, had friends and was reasonable. Then he started to struggle, clothes made him itchy, not sticking to routines, caused massive issues. He was in and out of school. He was eventually diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. He was prescribed meds that abated his appetite (he was overweight and this point), but instead of calming him, it often made him hyper. At 15 he refused to take them, around the same time he hit me for the first time. It wasn’t a one off. He manipulated, controlled and bullied me constantly. He attacked his DF regularly, we called the police many times. On the rare occasion he wasn’t excluded from school, he made accusations about his home life that were very serious, and completely untrue. I had to give up my job because I was taking too much time off due to his behaviour.

Last straw was when he bit me so hard he broke the skin. He had stolen money I had been given for Christmas and I dared to question him. I threw him out. Social services tried to contact me, they wanted me to allow him home. I refused, they couldn’t see that him being violent to me was domestic abuse. He ended up in a group home locally. Stole from other teens there and got beaten up quite badly. Social services said they couldn’t keep him safe, I had to have him back at home.

We had a honeymoon period of about a month and it all started again. Police were regular visitors, he was never arrested despite my pleading. He burgled us, stole our car, we had to sleep with cash and valuables, he was committing crime outside and well as within the extended family. He owed both sets of grandparents money. I had people here looking for him because he had stolen from them too.

He was 17 and we were living in a nightmare. I threw him out. He called the police himself later that day claiming to be standing on a bridge and had voices in his head telling him to jump. They picked him up and took him to A&E, who assessed him and then found him a bed in a mental health hospital.

They were convinced that the voices in his head was not genuine, but he was mentally ill. They encouraged us to go to family therapy as well as him having therapy on his own. He was a master manipulator, but it felt like I was the only one that could see it.

He called me one day saying that they were going to discharge him, but he wasn’t ready, he was very tearful and threatened suicide. I called the hospital and they put me through to his social worker. During the call with him, I explained how upset he was, that he was threatening suicide, I was upset by this time too. His social worker said that while I had been relaying all of this, my son had walked past him whistling. No tears or emotion. The social worker said that my son had issues with me, because I could see right through him, usually knew when he was lying (apart from this latest phone call). He believed that I was at great risk.

They found him a flat and we supported him from a distance. He then singled his older brother out and pretty much caused the breakdown of his relationship. He was also instrumental in my grandchildren being with held from our whole family. He then stole from them. I had to go nc. I had people coming here because he had conned them out of money. He somehow had access to our bank account and emptied it in 24 hours. Travel and parking fines were arriving here. I had bailiffs and police almost daily.

i was nc with him for 5 years. Blocked him on everything. Sadly my father died, my niece had posted it on social media and he had seen it. He had a new phone number so he texted me. We now only have contact via WhatsApp. He claims to have bi polar disorder and has sent me a copy of a print out from his GP. If he said it was raining I would check.

I’m sorry that this was so long, but I wanted to show you aren’t alone. I’m happy to message you to give you some support. In the short term you have to grey rock him. When he issues threats, report it. Chase the crisis team relentlessly, make it clear you will be seeking a non molestation order as soon as possible. If you get no joy from that team, follow the chain of command and go higher. I would also be asking his CPN to call me separate to seeing him. Speak to Women’s Aid. I’d also speak to some of the services pp’s have posted here.
I’m happy to support you however I can

He's so damaged that really nothing bar expert treatment will suffice

The reality is that sometimes, even ‘expert treatment’ will not do anything. I’ve known cases where, ultimately, there is no treatment. In terms of meds if you are treatment resistant you only have one option left, clozapine, and even then that either won’t work or be suitable for all treatment resistant patients. It just doesn’t work for some people so they are left with absolutely no treatment options, and in order to prescribe you need to be sure the patient will be compliant with blood monitoring requirements, and many just won’t be so that’s it for them also. Unfortunately, no matter what expert treatment is received there just won’t be any treatment possible for a group of patients. In some such cases relatives/loved ones just need to (literally) save themselves sometimes as hard as that is all round.

I cannot help but wonder what happened to this young man. A mental health crisis like this doesn't happen without a trigger. Attachment Trauma, Sexual Abuse, Betrayal. I've worked in settings with these kinds of presentations and there is always always some life changing factor.

You say there is nothing OP but we are not with our children 24-7 and things can happen. I know a child who was sexually assaulted at school. It was only because another child disclosed and felt able to tell someone the trigger for the next two years of health and behavior presentations made sense. Without this knowledge it would've been easy to pathologise her behaviour. What I'm saying is that the assumption that 'nothing' happend; to me raises an alarm. There is something. His anger and rage at you is likely coming from a very childlike place in himself; somewhere that is 'stuck' at an age when he was scared, felt betrayed etc.

Nevertheless, it is completely unacceptable and you deserve to have a life of your own and have done all you can. There come a point when people have to recognise that they are responsible for creating change.

I'm shocked that you've not been given robust advice on how to manage some of this too.

I notice OP in your comment that you've asked to speak to his CPN? I hope you don't mind me saying but you need to stop back. His treatment and his support networks are something only he can manage. It feels like a very enmeshed relationship between the two of you and needs very clear boundaries.

Everytime you step into the storm with him you are part of the storm and everytime he storms ...if you are not there, he will pull you into it.

What is happening, in short; is he is using you to regulate his emotions. So he feels overwhelmed with anger and it is you he seeks out.

However; like any human being, even our own mother cant save us, and your incapacity to solve every problem for him will ALWAYS make you the bad guy.

It's developmentally stunted behaviour.

He is tantrumming OP (along with all sorts of other complex things) and like we have to with our small children, you have to stay firmly rooted in the ground and not be pulled in.

Interestingly, I know an adult child who was in a n awful and abusive dynamic with thier parent. They would lash out, rage and were in an awful cycle. Suicide attempts, threats, it was scary.

That adult child found a therapist, they chose to go no contact with Thier family and within 2 years created a healthy life, have a developing career in a management role in the public health sector, are running half marathons! They look completely different and have chosen not to see thier family again as they say thier family system is toxic. They claimed all kinds of abuses, which Thier family deemed delusional. No one really knows. Family estrangement is increasingly common and maybe finding support around this will help.

You've done all you can OP. Maybe letting go and going no contact will be exactly what is needed. I do get the feeling if he could initiate this with you, it would have a better outcome for him.

Either way. You need peace and at 27 it is more than possible he can turn his life around. Who knows what the future holds and the space might give him the chance to make sense of his life and find some sense of agency and self efficacy.

This sounds like such an horrendous situation, OP. I really do hope you start to get the help you need.💐

Just out of interest, you’ve mentioned that your ex lives 10 minutes away. Does he have any involvement with regard to supporting you with this situation? You stated that you both brought him up equally, where does he stand now? Has he turned his back since the false allegations?

Some great advice on here, OP, but I wanted to offer a handhold nevertheless. My heart really goes out to you.

My late DPs went through similar with my DB, who's bipolar. During one episode, his MH team were very resistant to sectioning him until his CPN witnessed him threaten our DF with a knife.

He was in hospital for several months following that incident, and my DPs simply refused to let him come back to live in their home when he was discharged. He was rehoused in a council property as far away from where they lived as possible within the council area. His MH was much better managed after that, nothing like it ever happened again and he's only had a couple of admissions since then.

Okay so I have experienced a small fraction of this- a very small fraction- constant verbal attacks, things broken, walls punched, physically attacked and constantly spat on. I would be woken at 3am to the sound of banging on walls, swearing, shouting.
He was sectioned twice- he has bipolar and no father.
I moved away so then constant death threats, wish you get cancer, etc so kept blocking him.
A lot of other things happened. One by one everyone got sick of him and his decade of destruction and he found himself alone.
We are back in contact now. It's not plain sailing but he seems a lot less angry. He bought me gifts at Christmas and birthday. I just wanted to say there can be light at the end. Your situation is much worse than mine but I can relate to a lot of the rage.
He needs sectioning as a first step tho. Good luck I really feel for you

You have no idea if he would be found not to have capacity at the time of the offence.

What a ridiculous thing to say. Someone can be mentally ill but not criminally insane

I wish people would stop talking about 'residential care' as if its some sort of option in a situation like this. People like this with a myriad of diagnoses have a layer of issues which various parts of their medical history will disagree with, and as OP says there may well be some misdiagnoses in there

Quibbling (as another poster has) over what type of PD he might have is unhelpful and irrelevant, its quite possible for people with EUPD (what used to be called borderline) to commit and keep committing criminal offences

The police often view crime like this as a MH issue and the MH services view it as needing to be dealt with via the criminal justice pathway, so you get both services in opposition to them.

This is correct, again something posters seem not to understand. Not every MH condition responds adquately to medication or therapy, its why people live for years on various medications but dont get any better/cant work etc.

I think you should move without telling him where you are going, as hard as that will be for you.

Like some others on this thread, I would also secretly plan a move a distance away and cut all communication. New phone, new emails, no social media. Don't give relatives your new address or phone number so they can pass it on...you could have a cheap PAYG mobile for communication with them which is easily dumpable if they pass on your number and saves your real mobile number for genuine work/friends/life.
I appreciate how hard it will be to cut off the person you gave birth to. The relationship as it is contributes nothing to either of your lives at the moment though and makes you so unhappy.

I'm so sorry you're having to endure this utter hell OP. The only thing you can do now is save yourself. I think you need to urgently make plans to move away if you can and only disclose your new address to people you can trust. Block him on everything and get a new number and only disclose it to trusted people. You need to remove yourself from the situation and cut all contact with him. If he turns up at the door ring 999 and say he's trying to break into the house. Do this every time he turns up. Can you get a non molestation order as well.

If he is on bail for an offence against you, surely one of the conditions is not to contact you/go to your home?
He could be re-arrested and remanded if he persists.
Did the police not see what was happening when he made the allegations against you when they came to speak with you?
I am so sorry this is happening. It's no way to live.

@ElonsPsychic having lived with something of the OP's experience (albeit in a small way) and also having worked in this field, I think one has to be extremely careful to be telling those in this situation that there is 'always a trigger' especially if you are suggesting those triggers are always external. Some people may be genetically pre-disposed to have horrific and sustained mental health crises. For some treatment will never work, for reasons of compliance or just because there isn't a drug/treatment yet that works for them. The 'trigger' could be puberty or just a developmental change in a vulnerable brain. Many in the trauma and attachment therapy industry have a lot to answer for in their persistent refusal to recognise this. It breeds further guilt in the poor parents and families and often doesn't help.

Can't you call the community psychiatric nurse yourself? Will they talk to you if you do? Surely they have to listen to how worried you are.

If you think he has been misdiagnosed, what do you think his actual diagnosis should be?

@Grimbelina yes, I hear exactly what you're saying and tried to tread carefully. The trauma informed and anti pathology movement is a real pendulum swing from the mainstream view of mental health diagnostics. I do feel it is an important one and one which offers hope as well as viewing the person as part of a wider system. Yes, I also understand that biological factors play a significant role, guy health, sleep, diet.

I also believe that if we are to understand a person in the broader context of who they are - beyond a medical and biological model of mental health - we can be optimistic.

The notion that a person has a definitive disorder that will need to be medicated for the rest of their lives denies the human capacity for transformation.

It is also a marker of good emotional health, in the face of these kinds of challenges within our family systems; to seek out advice, support and information that not only focuses on the 'sick' person, but asks the question of ourselves 'is there anything I need to change in myself?'

When you are someone's primary connection you will have an impact on them; the boundaries and routines you assert and share, how you navigate life with and around that person, how you handle conflict, how you express affection. The values and beliefs you may share or may be at odds with each other. It's a dyad. A dyad full of complexity and challenges, even in the best of situations.

I'm deeply uncomfortable with the ease at which people will quickly recommend secitonimg, offer up diagnosis, label someone a 'psycho'. There's always a wider context.

I'm not talking about this situation particularly, just generally.

I also think we need to think carefully about the notion of guilt and blame. It is not unreasonable to think in terms of accountability, and in some cases, responsibility or at least a willingness to be curious and do the hard work and soul searching to identify ways in which we ourselves might unwittingly be contributing to another person's distress. Even;and especially in our stress and desire to fix them. The term codependency is a simple one.

In this situation it can be no one else's responsibility but the young mans and his CPN ect. Whether medication is needed for stabilisation or not it doesn't really matter, as long as he gets what he needs and OP can be safe. She will need therapeutic support herself to have lived with this for so long. It sounds like and impossible situation and one that will only change with them completely separating from one another and healing separately.

He lives alone so you have no idea if he's taking his meds. Given that he refuses to acknowledge he is mentally ill, and also suffers from paranoia and thinks people are trying to poison him, I doubt he's taking any of the drugs he's been prescribed.

Even if his paranoid schizophrenia has been misdiagnosed, he is paranoid and he is delusional, so it seems likely that he has some form of psychotic condition, even if it isn't that specific one.

I have a son with bipolar 1 and psychosis, so I understand the terrible push/pull of parenting a severely mentally unwell adult. I have a lot of compassion for people with serious mental illness - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But the OP is facing destruction herself and - this is the thing - she can't help her son. She can't.

Yes, I agree. Sounds like a combination of Paranoid schizophrenia and anti-social Personality disorder.

Do you know that he actually takes his medication?

Move. Not to the moon, but to another country or far away, somewhere he can’t easily access. Get a solicitor, and have them send letters to anyone who provides your new number to him.

This may be classed as elder abuse depending on your age - if so you can get your own social worker who can help you.

Sadly, that's true.