Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

I think you need to seriously consider moving.

Are you in a position to do this?

Even somewhere that’s difficult or expensive for him to get to you would put a decent wedge.

It’s like being in an abusive relationship you can’t leave.

Cut him completely out of your life. Maybe even consider getting a restraining order against him. Get security cameras outside your home. Get a panic alarm.

He is dangerous and unhinged. Do not engage with him. Block him on everything.

Blood ties do not compel you to put yourself in harm's way.

Please do whatever you can to protect yourself.

Lots of love

This.
Move far away.

I would move (I know it is not always this simple)
But my plan would be to -
Find a location to move to that is far enough away that no family / friends that converse with him will ever see you.
Buy a cheap phone with a SIM card that you use to contact family etc
Keep your current phone and change number, but come off of all social media, Facebook etc
Anything that links your old number to it, remove.
You cannot have your life ruined. You've done all that you can and more, it's time to live your own life and find your own happiness.
Nobody should have to live in fear. Especially in their own home.

You poor thing. This sounds so difficult. Its definitely harassment. Also sounds like mental health too

Well firstly I don't think moving will help, or at least it isn't a permanent solution.
Secondly, your son is very unwell & clearly no-one is getting the support he or you deserve.
Start by writing to hi GP, say what you've said here, because the GP is central to your son's care, and if anyone can help get things moving they're might be able to.
I would also start writing polite but insistently to the mental health team & copy the GP in (if the GP doesn't get back to you).
I would be keeping a paper trailer but making it clear what you want to happen. Saying that the behaviour needs managing & that you feel trapped by your son's illness, the fact that this isn't being addressed is increasing the problems
Use words like risk, harm & threat to life, the fact is that you are vulnerable & your son is too, the support should be available to you.
You could also try Mind who might be able to suggest an avenue in your area that you could access for support.
Finally I am sorry you're experiencing this, sounds incredibly distressing.

@Notthegodofsmallthings is just angling to blame the evil NT parent. Ignore.

That sounds hellish. Whether you are there for him or not he’s going to be chaotic either way. He needs to want to help himself. I’m not saying this lightly but I would contact Women’s Aid and move to a place where he won’t find you. I’d also be very careful about who you give your address to. Once in a safe place I’d enjoy the peace and quiet and rebuild my life.

You need to escalate this urgently. Going in person won't help.

You must find out who to direct a complaint to in the mental health team and write a formal letter to them.
Check the timelines for when they should respond to complaints and hold them accountable.
Diarise incidents (date, time, outcome) and inform them that they have a duty of care and will be held responsible in the event something serious happens. You should let them know that the current medication is not effective.

You will need to have nerves of steel as they tend to shy away from responsibility and you must follow up and not give up. They will probably go out of their way to ignore you and avoid taking action, (talking from personal experience) but please do not give up and keep copies of all correspondence. It's a long hard slog and it feels like it will never end, but if you can persevere, it really can become better I promise.

If you are not getting anywhere with them, then contact the Parliamentary and Health Service Ombudsman.

https://www.lgo.org.uk/information-centre/news/2022/apr/ombudsmen-release-joint-guidance-to-tackle-common-mistakes-in-aftercare-of-mental-health-in-patients#:~:text=Rob%20Behrens%2C%20Parliamentary%20and%20Health,manage%20mental%20health%20aftercare%20effectively.

You poor woman, this is a living hell. I know from a friend’s experience that mental health services just aren’t good enough when dealing with people with serious mental illnesses and as long as they don’t deem them a danger to themselves or others (although of course he should be deemed a danger to others because of the way he treats you), then they pretty much wash their hands of them. Take out a restraining order/NMO. Move far away, (maybe even change your name?) block him and try and start afresh, you can’t go on like this. You’ve given him more than enough chances.

How does he behave towards his dad?
What do you think his diagnosis should be?

He won't get the help he needs in prison. However, that's not the OP's problem.

I have no advice with regards to helping your son.
All I wanted to say is, it really sounds like it's time for you too look after yourself and put you first for the first time in a very long time. I know you mentioned moving away. A fresh start and a place you are safe from his dangerous behaviours is what you need and deserve.
I can only imagine you feel guilty but there has to be a small part in your son that wants to be helped for anything to work. And sadly it doesn't seem like he has the tiniest desire.
Please take care you deserve to be happy

He has just called me now and right away started talking about lights in his windows, He then told me his cpn is visiting him tomorrow so I told him when he arrives to pass the phone over to me so I can talk to him. I know he can't tell me anything about my son as he is an adult but my plan was to tell him what has been going on and how my son has been talking and acting etc

I also told my son that I will no longer stand for any of this, that I love him and i want him to get well but I can't fix him or make anything better and that he needs to get help for himself now.

In response he said that theres nothing wrong with him and I'm gaslighting him again so I will wait to see if his cpn calls then will be blocking his number.

I have spent over a decade trying to save him and nothing I have tried has worked, Not even a little bit. I can't do anymore than I have.

If I get to speak to his cpn tomorrow I will come back to let people know the outcome.

Thanks again to all of you x

I really think you should post this on the SN Chat topic - people there will have been through the same type of difficulty and will know the route to take to get fast help.

In the meantime, does your area have an emergency mental health crisis team who go out to peoples’ home….like the ambulance service do? If yes, I would call them for help. They can often call and get the right team involved quicker.

Do you think he is extremely unregulated because he’s completely overwhelmed living alone? Has he ever had a social services adult assessment? If no, there are supported living schemes so he would share a house with others in a similar position and have support from adult support workers. Would living with you be better or worse than it is now? Is that definitely not an option? It sounds like it would be harder to be honest.

Is he always so paranoid or do you think that could be because he’s not correctly taking his medication? Is his paranoia usually kept under better control?
Tomorrow morning, if you can, I would try and get to speak to someone in his mental health team as a matter of urgency and explain that you cannot carry on with no adequate support.

I am so sad you’re having to go through this alone. I hope you have some family to lean on, even if it’s just to talk to someone close to you.

OP is not alone, this happens more often than most of us might think. I've only read OP's posts so sorry if this has already been posted but this is a great charity support group (although not sure if they can help in a crisis):

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/understanding-cpa

(PS - PEGS also deal with adult child to parent abuse hence my posting the link)

Put it all in writing. Ask for the highest ranking person you can direct a complaint to and follow up with the Parliamentary and Health Ombudsman

Please don't use slurs like "psycho". They aren't helpful and don't refer to a clinical diagnosis.

https://www.ombudsman.org.uk/

You can walk away. You're his mother but he needs mental health professionals now, not a parent. Paranoid schizophrenia is not simple to treat, even without autism and the other codiagnoses involved. This is not a job for you.

You have the right to be safe, even from your adult child.

Rest of the family have pretty much turned their backs on him but if I try to I get guilt tripped with 'Oh but he's your son, you can't just walk away, you can't just abandon him' etc

Please do not listen to these family members.

You need to love and save yourself.

Your life matters too!

Womens Aid you need.

And move without leaving a forwarding address, to save yourself.

Hello @nhbid my friend, my heart broke a little reading this.

For the first 10 years of working I supported men who behaved predominantly like your DS, sadly this is common behaviour in a very niche section of fellas with these diagnoses.
I also have a young DS with asd so I can't imagine how hard it must be as a mum, but I think you must work on getting your son away from you.
The majority of the men I supported weren't able to see their mums due to child to parent abuse and violence towards their mothers. Often mums would call our office for an update or check if they needed anything, but requested we'd not let their sons know we'd spoken to them.
I think your son needs some kind of supported living, or some kind of semi independent housing with 24/7 support staff, ideally men.
Does he have a social worker involved? Social workers are so underfunded and staffed but it sounds like DS needs one.

You need to be free of this. You're a person who matters. You're not a verbal or physical punchbag. You're a person who has been through a hell most people won't ever comprehend and it's time you got your life back.

I haven't done MH work for a very long time now, but if you need any help with things please let me know and whilst not a magic cure, definitely get your MP involved with this, your son isn't the only victim of systemic failure here my friend, you are also and the more doors you bang on and make noise, more likely someone will answer.

You're not alone, not the first mum, won't be the last. Whilst I can't imagine as mum how you're feeling and selfishly hope I never can, I remember the distraught mums I've spoken to, terrified of their sons and if you ever need just a little chat, you want to rant, dm me. X

I think moving away is the right idea.

Please ignore your relatives.

Hi Op, we’ve been in a very similar situation with my brother. You must feel overwhelmed with a mix of emotions.

In the end my brother was sectioned. He had skitsophrenia. It was all bought on by drugs. He was arrested many times. It’s all been very traumatic.

It was a long journey but he is now stable. He is on the right meds and lives in sheltered accommodation. He struggles and rings my parents multiple times a day but we all have a good relationship now and he isn’t abusive towards anyone.