Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

It's so much easier for wider family to criticise than to actually help you. It's shitty behaviour. Please try to ignore their BS guilt trips, OP. Do what's best for yourself. You've lived with this for far too long already. The mental health professionals need to get more proactive and intensive with their care and supervision of him. They are probably just expecting you to pick up the slack, which is totally unfair. I hope you can find a safe place to go away from him, and soon. Be extremely careful who you trust with your contact information. Good luck x

Dear OP, I really feel for you as a mum myself with an adult son struggling with his mental health. I really hope you manage to distance yourself without guilt, as being there as punch bag for your son isn’t helping you or him in the long run. You’ve done all you can for so so long, it’s time you looked after yourself and your own health. If it’s at all possible could you move away, start anew somewhere and when you feel stronger, maybe make enquiries as to how your son is getting along, through someone else? Many hugs to you

Your life is in immediate danger and you cannot help him if you are dead.

@nhbid Please remember this quote, OP, whenever you doubt yourself or whenever anyone tries to make you feel guilty for leaving x

Oh my days OP, my heart really goes out to you. I haven’t read the full thread, but have read all your comments. At this present time, I really don’t think you have any other option than to move away for your own safety and sanity. He clearly isn’t going to get better with the current “care plan” that’s in place. You have both been massively failed by the system, and yes, you are naturally going to feel guilty, but how much more can, or indeed SHOULD one woman take. You deserve some peace in your life, and I really hope you get some.

My fiancé developed schizophrenia in his early 20’s. Very unstable and refused help or medication. I had to move 200 miles away to get any life back. 30 years later, he is no better despite his parents efforts. He has a very poor relationship with parents but survives day to day. Please don’t feel bad for wanting a life - you can’t fix this for him. I wish you all the best for a happy life

Other people have given v good advice. As other posters have suggested, please contact Woman’s Aid or another charity in that sphere. And Is a restraining order a possibility?

I also just wanted to say that I really feel for you, what a horrific situation to be in. I hope you are able to get respite from all this. He sounds very unwell. You deserve to be able to live your life without this constant torture

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a friend in similar circumstances. She tried and tried. When the son cut the power cord on the tv in her bedroom and placed it so if she had tried to grab the cut end she would have been electrocuted, professional advice was that her life was in imminent danger. She moved around 300 miles away, and was able to break contact. I think your choice is no choice at all. If people keep giving your number and try to guilt you, turn it back on them. ‘I’m likely to end up dead, will you be happy to be party to that?’
There are a number of cases of child murdering parents (and more so mother). You tried so hard. It’s time for you to be safe.

Unfortunately, for some people with schizophrenia medication doesn't get rid of the delusions or not entirely. Has he ever tried clozapine? It can help those resistant to other anti-psychotics.

I agree.

I would imagine he'd have those diagnoses from what you've said but please be aware that recurrent criminal behaviour and his threats and cruelty moves him out of the 'BPD' section of the Cluster B personality disorders and way over into 'Antisocial Personality Disorder'.

I think absolutely you do need to change your name and move. That is the solution. Get as much support from as many places as you possibly can and be mindful that this is now affecting your own mental health and you need your own help.

Meantime, you need to get a ring doorbell or some form of CCTV and ensure that you document, record, and report every single incident to all relevant forms of authority = police / mental health services / probation officer / keyworker if he has one.

Unfortunately, he's probably not going to change unless he's put on some heavy duty injectible medication and complies with the treatment (sounds unlikely to me) and the only purpose of those medications is to 'chemical cosh' or at least extremely sedate but sometimes it's necessary.

I have lived my whole life with profoundly mentally unwell close relatives who are both now passed away and it's a relief to be honest.

You are in real danger. He may well end up on a forensic ward having committed a serious crime. Or, as someone said earlier, in prison.

I think you are going to have to move. You are his most likely victim.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in.

Bless you. Please protect and save yourself. None of this is your fault. I hope the phone call goes well.

I feel so sorry for you, you must be torn because he’s your son and you love him.
On the other hand he sounds like a living breathing demon, who gets his thrills by destroying people. I would wash my hands of him and ask that the rest of your family do the same, leave him to his silly games and destructive behaviour.

OP I am sending all the love. My brother has had similar episodes. I know how heavy the guilt can be.
Please remember two things.
You did nor cause this. I would have hoped that would be obvious but then PP started up with all the childhood trauma stuff. NO. Your son is deeply unwell and that is not your fault.
You cannot fix this. He needs a multidisciplinary team and residential care. It sounds as though you have left no stone unturned trying to get that help for him, but neither he nor the system will allow it. It's an awful feeling to be so powerless - but it also means there's nothing to feel guilty about because there's nothing you can do.

I hope you can find safety for your own sake, because you need and deserve that. But if the guilt strikes, remind yourself that sticking around for him to escalate this violence isn't doing him any favours either. Life will not improve for him if he commits a violent crime.

he doesn't need to "be put down" !!!!

God almighty

Op - you haven't said if you involve police but this is the way forward. Sod moving ! Sod uprooting your life ! Use the police !!! 999 every time he kicks off ! Police can access help faster than you could .

They can help you ! Bail conditions, somewhere to live, support, access to immediate mental health services, just ring 999!

No but it does lay the foundation for a documented chain which should include fast police responses.

If there is domestic abuse a marker can be put on victim's address and phone number regardless of any restraining order.

The op needs to utilise police .

He's a psychopath. Get as far away from him as possible and leave no forwarding address. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Its not your fault. Psychopaths are born that way.

I would 100% move far away and start fresh. He sounds very dangerous.

@capabilityfrowns *Op - you haven't said if you involve police but this is the way forward. Sod moving ! Sod uprooting your life ! Use the police !!! 999 every time he kicks off ! Police can access help faster than you could .

They can help you ! Bail conditions, somewhere to live, support, access to immediate mental health services, just ring 999*

It’s not that simple. Restraining orders etc mean nothing to people who are mentally unwell (or even some people that have no mental illness). Police generally can’t be there instantaneously, often there is a substantial wait, plus they often don’t take ‘domestic disputes’ as seriously, even though they often result in death to a woman.

My relative was in this same situation. They moved 550 miles away and only gave their contact details to trusted people. Best thing they ever did.

I’d cut him our of your life.

Not sure how this helps the OP. And yes, it does sound awful.

Maybe not helpful in the short term, but as the onset sounded so sudden, in adolescence, I wonder have any doctors ever looked into PANS/PANDAS which can have similar presentations to Schizophrenia in extreme cases and links with ASD? https://www.panspandasuk.org/what-are-pans-and-pandas

Is there a history of substance misuse?

I think you need ‘how to stop walking on eggshells’ book. However, I think if this was me and I’d already tried everything you have over the years I would move house to a different area/city, change your number and tell him clearly that you want no contact and no matter what he tries, you will not respond. He doesn’t love you and only gets pleasure from seeing you upset, how much longer are you going to put up with his abuse?