To think I should have been godmother?

[ProbablyLate]

I’m usually 100% on board with it being the parents’ right to choose who are their children’s godparents but I’m curious whether people think my BIL and SIL have been weird about this.

They asked DH to be DN’s godfather a couple of months ago (he’s BILs brother). I would have loved to also be asked but didn’t think too much of not being.

Anyway, at the christening on Sunday it turns out the godparents are DH’s other brother and his wife, DH, and one of BILs school friends.

SIL is an only child at DH only has the two brothers so of all DN’s aunts/uncles I’m the only one not to have been asked.

Me and DH have been together slightly longer than other BIL and SIL, both sets of us are married, live a similar distance away, and see one another a similar amount.

I would have said I got on well with both BIL and SILs so this has thrown me a bit!

On the day FIL was a bit 🤔about it but MIL cut him off with a “I’m sure Probably understands it’s their choice” (admittedly that probably wasn’t the moment to discuss it)

So AIBU to think I should have been asked to be godmother here?

CofE by any chance and is the friend male and the baby female? It's tradition to have one opposite sex and 2 of same sex. 3 or 4 is a common number so they might be sticking close to tradition

As Mumsnet proves on a daily basis, 99% of what you read on the internet is nonsense! 😂

Is the child a boy or a girl? It is traditional for a boy to have more godfathers and vice versa.

is it possible that they are keeping you in the bank as a godmother for a future DC2?

Mostly because my husband is a wonderful and unassuming man who deserves for his family to love and appreciate him. That's why I took way longer than I should have to realise I was flogging a dead horse. I do fully see your point though

This is a fairly well-established concept. She hasn’t pulled it out of her backside. It is what I was told about my godparents as a child in the eighties.

No expectation of extra presents/responsibilities etc. Result.

Posters seem to be confusing Godparents with Guardians. Totally different. One is to guide the child spiritually and morally, the other is to look after the child physically, financially and legally if both parents die.

I posted earlier but to clarify - You have the right to feel hurt or a little upset but it really doesn't matter in the long run. You can still be an amazing, caring aunty.

Yanbu though I think your title should have been AIBU to feel left out.
There is no particular reason that you should have been a godparent but anyone with an ounce of sensitively (which clearly doesn’t apply to some of the cretinous vipers on here) can see that if you have 2 brothers and their wives to leave one wife out would be hurtful. There is no need for 4 godparents so all they needed to have was the 2 brothers and the friend and no one could have complained.

you will always get people here who feign surprise or confusion at someone being upset about something when it’s perfectly obvious why they are unhappy.

I wonder if it was the last minute decision as something happened e.g a school friend of your SIL who was supposed to come didn’t come and she was upset and your other SIL stepped up.
By the way I completely understand your feelings. It’s not about religion at all, it’s about you all were in equally good relationship but other 3 were chosen for something but you not. And it’s so obvious visually,
especially as asking husband and wife was unusual itself. I would try to ask gently, maybe your DH could ask his brother, not why you were not asked but more why the other brother and wife were both asked.

Were they going for the tradition two men and a woman for a boy? Have you and your partner ever been close to breaking up?

I can see why you are hurt and feel left out, but clearly SIL is closer to other SIL. How you have perceived your relationship is not right and I would adjust expectations in future.

@DisforDarkChocolate I agree with Mittens1717 here

You are not horrible.

I also have never been asked to be a God Parent or a bridesmaid

Dh has been best man twice and is a Godfather 3 times over. Thing is he is not religious at all, whereas I have a religious belief.

What I found really hard was a few years after all our friends had finished having children this conversation came up (how many Godchildren do you have? Me: zero) and 2 of our friends said "If we'd had another you would 100% have been asked," as that somehow made it worse as it was like I was an afterthought."

Having said that for each Christening I showed up and smiled and was there for our friends. Like it sounds like OP was for the day. As I DO accept it is their choice just like I made those choices for my children.

It would however have meant a lot to me to be asked. I know it didn't mean much to Dh.

do you have children?

DH found out months ago

In the intervening mo the the Op was not hurt she hadn’t been asked. She says she didn’t think anything more about it.

She only became hurt when she found out who had been selected.

So it’s not that the Op is hurt that she isnt godmother to this child. She’s just pissed about who has been selected

For our children we had one couple and then our two best friends without their partners. It was never meant to cause offence . DH’s best friend’s wife stood up as she assumed she was also a godparent despite not being asked . To vicar didn’t bat an eyelid and averted an awkward situation. One child just has an extra godparent. I wouldn’t read too much into their choices.

WTF?

she assumed no such thing

She was being epically cheeky and rude and you allowed it.

I had something similar happen to me. It does sting - sort of implies that they trust your husband but not you. Of course they can choose who they want but some people have very limited EQ and just don't think about how their choices and actions make other people feel. Especially with no explanation.

The only explanation I can think of is that the female friend chosen is very close to them and they always said they would ask her to be godmother.

So when this happened to me I thought fine, well I will leave all god parent duties to DH then. Let him sort presents cards etc. (I don't think he has ever bought any). Wasn't a family member though.

I do now. They’re not baptised and my mother passed away so never been a cause of contention.

Given that was her stance and threat… i wouldn’t have allowed my children within a five mile radius of her!

Entirely their choice and perhaps DB and other SIL are also named as guardians in their Will too.

You obviously don't think it is the parents' right to choose who they wish otherwise you would have moved on instantly and not made a thread about it.

What is the betting that Wikipedia says its actually 103%? 😉

I think yabu to think you should have been godmother.

I don't think yabu to be a bit hurt at the way it has been handled.

I think you should talk about it with your DH so that he can perhaps make some gentle enquiries - or perhaps something has even already been said to him which he forgot to pass on and since you've not mentioned it he doesn't think you're bothered.

It could be as simple as another friend had to pull out and they were with the other dsil at the time so she offered to step in. You'll never know unless you ask and you don't want it breeding resentment if there's a good reason.

I have never heard of this concept and I also grew up in the 80's. I wasn't baptized so didn't have godparents however.

Could it just have been that the people who were picked to be your godparents also happened to be the people your parents wanted to designate as your guardians in the event that anything happened to them?

Why are you all getting your kids christened and baptized if you AREN'T religious?

You can't choose to 'change' what a god parent is. Its 'not on the radar' because you are appropriating a religion you haven't bothered to learn.

Faux religion is bloody weird.