Should i have invited my brother to a girls weekend away?

[NatMoz]

It is both my mum's 70th and my aunty's 60th in March/April.

My brother had made 0 plans and his only idea was a Chinese. I said that I'll book a girls long weekend away (myself, mum and aunty) to make it memorable and he can be in charge of the inclusive family meal where everyone will be invited to celebrate which he agreed to.

So I've planned, booked, organised an itinerary for a long weekend European city break for the 3 of us for a girls weekend. My brother is now absolutely hounding me because he has decided he would also like to join in on the girls weekend. Telling me he doesn't mind carrying the bags and is there room for a little one. I explained it would spoil the dynamic of the trip and at 31 why would he want to spend a girls weekend with us anyway🤣. He is already going on holiday with my mum and dad for 10 days in June to Greece so it's not like he's missing out on going abroad and spending time with my parents! He lives at home so spends every day with them so again it's not like he lives on the other side of the world.

He explained he hasn't been on holiday with my aunty in 10 years. The last time he did, i organised that trip too!!! I did say if he felt so strongly about it, why has he not organised something prior to this point as there have been 10 years of opportunities.

I've now been told I'm banned from the family meal he is organising 🤷.

To clarify further, my husband, my dad nor my daughter (aged 2) will be attending this weekend away either. Just myself, mum and aunty.

Am i in the wrong here?

It is a shame some of my family are divided in this way but it's not really what the thread is about

Well... it kind of IS what the thread is about, because if your family weren't like this, a lot of the reasons you don't want your brother coming along with you wouldn't actually exist. For example, the fact that you feel your mum would benefit from a girls-only holiday because she would have to do all the packing for her son and husband if they came along.

I appreciate there's nothing you can do about the family dynamic - I'm just pointing out why some people are going to think YABU because their families simply are not like that.

As explained my dad/brother/aunty's husband of the mindset women cook and clean for them.

Don't worry my husband is not of this mindset. He's a good 'un!

Why are some women so hostile to having a female only anything? It’s like they can’t cope if there’s not a penis present. I mean, really, enjoy your cock if you must have one near at all times, but not every woman is completely penis dependent.

OP, you told him what was being arranged before it was arranged and he agreed to it, if he’s now throwing a wobbly because it’s not centreing him then it’s his fault and he needs to grow up. He’s perfectly welcome to organise holidays and trips himself, if and when he chooses, and the fact that he chooses not to is on him.

That is what I was thinking

YANBU OP - your brother sounds selfish and needy

Then the problem is that they don't like the brother, not that gender-segregated holidays are sacred. All those things could equally apply to a sister still living at home.

Sadly my dad/Aunty's husband/brother do follow a more old fashioned approach where the women do the household chores. My brother lives at home so it's just what he's used to.

My mum will make sure there are enough precooked meals for them in the fridge before she leaves and will do all the washing so there isn't a mountain on her return.

It is a shame some of my family are divided in this way but it's not really what the thread is about.

I think it is what the thread is about - you don't want your brother to come because he "is just used to" all the women around him picking up the slack, and you know that the only way for your mother to actually have a proper relaxing holiday is if the "useless men" in her life aren't allowed to tag along and spoil things.

So although you are trying to justify it as needing to be "a girls' weekend", the truth is, it's a "no lazy men - by which I mean her husband and her son - weekend".

I think people would see where you were coming from a lot more if rather than saying "I want the holiday split along gender lines, and therefore I am justified in saying No to my brother" you said "My mother needs and deserves to relax on her holiday. And that means my lazy-ass brother can't come along".

Fair point. I never really thought about it like that but it makes absolute sense. It is good to see a different perspective as my judgement has been clouded.

@plumberdrain i hope this helps you too as this lady has executed it very well.

OP you are doing a lovely thing for your mum and aunt. Every family is different. Some families are so gender neutral that it truly doesn’t matter who goes . But I’d say most in real life are not . This isn’t a once in a lifetime mega experience, it’s a fun weekend away . Don’t let your brother rain on your trip . I don’t know anybody in real life who truly thinks that including a different sex doesn’t change the dynamics. My DH and mates are going on a sporting weekend, one of the wives also plays this sport . They are all huge fingers crossed that she doesn’t fancy going as it just changes the dynamics… not spoils as they have all been friends for 35 years … just changes . Enjoy your trip 😊

Depends on your own family dynamic and relationship with your brother.I would have invited my brother in the first place as we are all very close and he is great company!He's also quite happy to take himself off if there's something he's not interested in doing.

But you know what your Mum would prefer most. Hope you get it sorted OP.

Has your brother got any friends?

Let me guess, he expects you to pay for him as well?

Don’t cave in. Your mum will just run around after him. Stay firm.

The mum saying a girls weekend would be great is saying she doesn't want her son to come (clue is her son isn't female).

blokes DO ruin the dynamic, even when they don’t mean to

is weird he even wants to come. if he was ur partner not ur brother i’d be asking why haven’t you got the ick!! 😂

Maybe your brother can organise you dad's 70th? Including booking flights, accomodation, restaurants and packing both suitcases.

YANBU, hope the three of you have a lovely weekend away.

Where would your brother sleep? Would he get his own room and pack his own suitcase?

but surely worth asking! And the aunt too hidden it’s her birthday too!

This.

There's nothing wrong with sex segregated holidays either. Many women feel that, for all sorts of reasons, the presence of a man in an otherwise all female group alters the dynamic. Men and women often behave in different ways and have different interests and unfortunately many women find that when a man is part of the group things are changed around his preferences. If three women want to go on holiday together without a man that's exactly what they should do.

does the aunt have a preference either way?

No. Because if they get a whiff of him wanting to come they'll feel that they have to say yes.
OP has made it clear that her mum and aunt are generally the ones who have to 'look after' the men in their lives. They're both madly excited about their girls trip, so why on earth put them in a position where their hearts will sink, but they'll feel obliged to let him come?

I'm amazed that some people don't know that an all female holiday is different to a mixed sex holiday. Even just on a very superficial level is the brother going to want to go to the ballet? And that's without the fact that he is a lazy coddled baby who expects everyone to run around after him.

Go with you mum and aunty OP, if he's so childish and petty that he leaves you out the family meal then it's going to look very bad on him.

me too

BUT

I would not “assume” anything. i would ask my mother and aunt!

I don't think you're bring unreasonable. It does and will change the dynamic and that will take some of the shine off it for your mum. It's clear in her words 'useless men'.

I mean even her pre-planning... precooked meals, laundry done... a woman in her 70's with an adult son at home and she's having to pre-cook their meals just be able to take a couple of days off.... she's a got a point about 'useless', and you have a point about wanting the energy of that nowhere near.

Tell him it's all booked and can't be changed and ask where he's up to with his half of the plans. I'll bet actual money you'll end up organising that, too.

The dynamic IS changed, whether you like it or not!

And what sort of pathetic A-hole insists on tagging along?

He would be ok for the first couple of hours then not want a spa treatment, or not want to look round the shops, or not want to eat at a particular place - everyone would end up doing what HE fancied doing.

Why do I think that- BECAUSE HE IS OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE WHO WON'T TAKE "NO" FOR AN ANSWER!

OP - stick with "les girls". Have a great time!

If necessary "gatecrash" the meal, or book for yourselves and ask for the table next to them all.

He is a total twat.

Exactly. 99% of hens and stags weekend are single sex, and I don't see mumsnetters railing against that. So why aren't mum and auntie allowed a girls trip?

Very well said!

Don't make your problem, their problem, OP