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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i have invited my brother to a girls weekend away?

443 replies

NatMoz · 10/01/2024 15:18

It is both my mum's 70th and my aunty's 60th in March/April.

My brother had made 0 plans and his only idea was a Chinese. I said that I'll book a girls long weekend away (myself, mum and aunty) to make it memorable and he can be in charge of the inclusive family meal where everyone will be invited to celebrate which he agreed to.

So I've planned, booked, organised an itinerary for a long weekend European city break for the 3 of us for a girls weekend. My brother is now absolutely hounding me because he has decided he would also like to join in on the girls weekend. Telling me he doesn't mind carrying the bags and is there room for a little one. I explained it would spoil the dynamic of the trip and at 31 why would he want to spend a girls weekend with us anyway🤣. He is already going on holiday with my mum and dad for 10 days in June to Greece so it's not like he's missing out on going abroad and spending time with my parents! He lives at home so spends every day with them so again it's not like he lives on the other side of the world.

He explained he hasn't been on holiday with my aunty in 10 years. The last time he did, i organised that trip too!!! I did say if he felt so strongly about it, why has he not organised something prior to this point as there have been 10 years of opportunities.

I've now been told I'm banned from the family meal he is organising 🤷.

To clarify further, my husband, my dad nor my daughter (aged 2) will be attending this weekend away either. Just myself, mum and aunty.

Am i in the wrong here?

OP posts:
plumberdrain · 11/01/2024 09:12

The north east is very different to london and the south east in terms of rental and buying prices. For example.

Tilllly · 11/01/2024 09:18

NatMoz · 10/01/2024 17:12

Sorry by paying, i mean i have paid as it's all booked.

And that's the key

It's booked and paid for

Be a right ballache to add another person in now

Tell your brother no, this is all arranged for the 3 of you now. He's welcome to book and pay for another trip for himself and mum and auntie

Excluding you from family meal will only upset your mum, which indicates his focus isn't on her at all

And at 31, move out

HighBar · 11/01/2024 09:21

OP I support your plans. (Though I suspect you might have even considered inviting your brother if he was not a lazy entitled and selfish freeloader wanting to tag along.).

It is ok to do a woman-only event if that works best.

The main challenge now is how to organise this so that the dynamic between idiot brother and you don’t overshadow the event and spoil things for the birthday women in question. I have no suggestions about that sorry.

Heidi75 · 11/01/2024 09:23

Brother sounds like a spoilt child and needs to grow up! It's a girls weekend away, I have done so with female relatives/friends many times. It's not like the whole family are going except him, he is being ridiculous. I suspect there is more behind this though, does he do much socially? Or does he rely on your parents to socialise with. Perhaps your Dad needs to have a word with him and find out what is really going on.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 11/01/2024 09:41

@5128gap mmm, why indeed... sounds like the brother..😂

I agree with @5128gap its easier to piggy back and gain credit for a holiday than do the work of planning.

And "room for a small one" sounds like he is hoping he wont have to pay or organise anything, yet more piggybacking.

Hes doing the boys trip, you're doing the girls trip. Hes then shunning you from the meal....

If he wants to ban you from the family meal then so be it.

When you're on holiday and everyone says how much fun they're having I'd make a passive aggressive passing comment that you're having a great time too and want to make the most of it seeing as you're banned from the family meal. Say brother has been clear it's up to him who he invites to their celebration and that he has been clear you arent invited. Let them take it up with him 🖕

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/01/2024 09:43

@plumberdrain

you can houseshare and save. It’s not either/or.

saraclara · 11/01/2024 09:44

When you're on holiday and everyone says how much fun they're having I'd make a passive aggressive passing comment that you're having a great time too and want to make the most of it seeing as you're banned from the family meal. Say brother has been clear it's up to him who he invites to their celebration and that he has been clear you arent invited. Let them take it up with him 🖕

I'm sure that OP will have more sense than to bring that kind of unpleasantness into her gift weekend for her mum and aunt.

Good grief.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/01/2024 09:46

saraclara · 11/01/2024 09:44

When you're on holiday and everyone says how much fun they're having I'd make a passive aggressive passing comment that you're having a great time too and want to make the most of it seeing as you're banned from the family meal. Say brother has been clear it's up to him who he invites to their celebration and that he has been clear you arent invited. Let them take it up with him 🖕

I'm sure that OP will have more sense than to bring that kind of unpleasantness into her gift weekend for her mum and aunt.

Good grief.

@saraclara

and him banning her from the meal isn’t unpleasant? If brother is gonna treat people so badly he has to expect some comeback.

Londonrach1 · 11/01/2024 09:48

It's a birthday weekend away not a girl's weekend away. Yabu and Abit mean to your brother. If it was lots of your friends I totally understand but this his mum, aunt and sister.

saraclara · 11/01/2024 09:52

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/01/2024 09:43

@plumberdrain

you can houseshare and save. It’s not either/or.

A house share in central London will take a minimum of £1000 a month from his saving potential. I can see why parents are prepared to let their offspring stay for longer than ideal, rather than see that money spent unnecessarily.

When my DD split up from her ex at 30 (she'd lived with him in a property owned by him) I was happy for her to stay with me at little cost (she insisted on paying the extra council tax and food) as I knew she'd save every single penny to be able to get her own place. And she did.

But she was keen to be independent and have her own place. I'm not sure that the brother in this case is.

saraclara · 11/01/2024 09:53

Londonrach1 · 11/01/2024 09:48

It's a birthday weekend away not a girl's weekend away. Yabu and Abit mean to your brother. If it was lots of your friends I totally understand but this his mum, aunt and sister.

... and the other men who aren't going are their husbands. Why is brother special?

Harry12345 · 11/01/2024 09:53

He obviously a pain and not wanted on the trip, people should be allowed to spend time with who they want to and not be guilted into Inviting everyone to please all. She organised and paid for a trip with her aunt and mum and that’s ok

paddlinglikecrazy · 11/01/2024 09:55

You’re not being unreasonable, he’s being a baby about it. Your Mum is happy and your Dad is happy with the plans.
Your Mum probably needs a break from him 🙂

Unicorns41 · 11/01/2024 10:04

Having read the thread, your brother just sounds like a grown up child who wants a free holiday. I also wouldn’t let him ban you from your mums meal, he sounds pathetic.

mumtotwo11 · 11/01/2024 10:09

I think if your brother had wanted to come, he should have said at the outset before you'd gone and booked it all.

Codlingmoths · 11/01/2024 10:16

I think it’s great the op is pushing her brother to actually pull his weight. No he doesn’t get invited on the weekend- have you pointed out to him he’d be more welcome if he either ever got off his bum and organised something or if him coming didn’t mean his mum would be organising the trip and packing and washing for him? ‘You can come when you adult properly, until then it’s not a break for mum if either of the two main producers of work for her are there.’

Codlingmoths · 11/01/2024 10:17

and the op should go to her mums birthday meal. She’s not banned from her mums house or any restaurants, he doesn’t have a house to ban her from.

phoenixrosehere · 11/01/2024 10:45

mumtotwo11 · 11/01/2024 10:09

I think if your brother had wanted to come, he should have said at the outset before you'd gone and booked it all.

Exactly.

I pointed out upthread he agreed to all of this. Now that OP has done everything and paid for it, he wants to go. OP’s father and uncle are not going nor does it read like he considered them at all if he is trying to push for a family weekend or said anything about paying to go.

Curious, on how much organising he has done so far for the family dinner, that was also OP’s idea. I bet he’s going to change his tune when it’s a few weeks away and needs help because he has done little if nothing towards it.

Ludovik · 11/01/2024 10:56

Totally normal to have all female holidays- my mum and her sisters, best friends and grown up female children have been all over the world on holidays together- Australia, Italy, Spain, the Middle East… No men ever came. And not once did anyone’s brother make a fuss about it.

The propensity to make a fuss when he doesn’t like other people’s plans is exactly why I wouldn’t be inviting him @NatMoz .

It’s a time for women to bond without having their husbands or boyfriends or brothers there insisting on having their own way.

Totally different to all the family holidays where everyone comes.

stoptryingtomakefetchhappen · 11/01/2024 11:05

YANBU. There is nothing that says a birthday trip has to be with ALL family members, it’s about a treat the birthday person would enjoy and if that’s a girls weekend and all that that entails then great. You are doing something all together as a family as well so no problem.

Your DB is clearly trying to muscle in on a nice, already planned so he doesn’t have to lift a finger European city break which is so annoying given he knew and agreed in advance to the arrangement. Also the ‘room for a small one’ comment shows he is trying to make it seem like it’s easy to add an extra person and all the additional costs etc when it really isn’t! I’d probably tell him not to be so ridiculous and just ignore him. But if that didn’t work I might say ok come, but our plans for ballet/shopping/meals/sightseeing are fixed so if you’re ok with that and can adjust the bookings yourself and cover all your own costs then fine. Would immediately result in a climb down from my DB!

The banning you from the family meal is unbelievably petty and immature. What is he, 5 years old?? And I’m certain your mum and aunt would hate for you to be left out and it’s their birthday which is what counts. Again, I would probably just ignore him. Find out when and where the meal is from other family members and just turn up!

Hotheadedredhead · 11/01/2024 11:18

YABU

You are simply going away for a weekend, invite him!

You also mention you organised the last trip for your aunt.
I tend to be the 'organiser' in our family, do I use it to throw it back in someone's face or exclude someone? No

I'd invite him. Not with the little one though. That's a whole other ballgame.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/01/2024 11:20

Hotheadedredhead · 11/01/2024 11:18

YABU

You are simply going away for a weekend, invite him!

You also mention you organised the last trip for your aunt.
I tend to be the 'organiser' in our family, do I use it to throw it back in someone's face or exclude someone? No

I'd invite him. Not with the little one though. That's a whole other ballgame.

@Hotheadedredhead

and should she pay for him too? Seeing as she is paying for her mum and aunt

SD1978 · 11/01/2024 11:25

Nope. You've organised a trip away with three women in your family. If he genuinely said is there room for a little one, I would have thrown up there and then. The hotel rooms are booked, plans are made around what three women would like to do. Your brother is being a bit of a FOMO arse. He can hang out with your dad and your husband as planned, and if he wants to exclude you from the dinner, I wouldn't be bothered.

SamW98 · 11/01/2024 11:25

YANBU in the slightest. Your brother sounds like a lazy entitled man baby and banking you from the family meal is extremely petty and immature.

Dont let his entitled childishness spoil your lovely girls weekend.

StaunchMomma · 11/01/2024 11:26

I bet he hasn't organised a damn thing, can't be arsed to and now wants in on the girlie break so he gets to avoid doing so!