To wonder if anyone else struggles to know what to do with their child in the house?

[Notreallylookingforadvice]

As the username suggests I’m not exactly looking for advice on this but I really struggle, always have. Ds is now 3 and I don’t know how to play with him at all. Whenever he’s in the house the TV is inevitably on for him.

So to give a for instance. Last Friday we went to a park for a nature trail. Saw owls, played on the adventure playground, all great. But we set off at 10 and were home at 3. From 7-9 and 3-6 it was TV. I’m aware that’s not good and want to cut down.

Presumably though, within those hours you are having breakfast and evening meal ? Are you able to eat at a table in another room ? Then maybe play a game afterwards at the table ?

In general I think you have a good balance taking into consideration your days out and the two days nursery.

Ah - just seen you have a baby too . Please don't be so hard on yourself .

@Derdiedasdie The OP doesn't have the TV on all day . She is spending the majority of the day outside of the house . Why don't you actually read what people are saying before being rude to them .

Thanks @ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea I have to admit he has been having TV dinners of late. I’m fairly chilled about that because I know he eats well and he sits nicely at the table when required. At the moment I do feel a bit like he gets ignored while I deal with the baby, which is why we’re better out of the house! But that is weather dependent to an extent.

Well at 3 we would have:

1. Got up, washed, got dressed.
2. Had breakfast.
3. Cleared up breakfast.
4. Done any domestic chores required (with 3 year old "helping" as appropriate).
5. Done any shopping or errands.
6. Gone to any groups - which usually started at around 11 am.
7. Made and had lunch.
8. 3 year old might have had a sleep or quiet time with story after lunch.
9. At least 30 minute walk outside in the fresh air.
10. Play or painting or music or singing.
11. Tea time.
12. 30 minutes of tv, or more play, whilst I cleared up.
13. Bath.
14. Bedtime with a story.
15. Sleep.

This would have been during the week and some of the activities would have been varied by visits to the library or museums or to other people's houses or involved having other people round to play. Obviously there would have been a lot of talk and interaction, but this was at least 10 years before mobile phones, internet etc.

I also struggle with my 3 year old - the good news is that I find my 6 year old a lot easier to play with. The best thing with my 3 year old is baking - she loves it, especially with muffins if you have little cases (paper or silicon) that they can spend time putting in the muffin tin. Other activities she likes are playdough, puzzles, magic painting (with water) and playing with dolls.

This just doesn’t add up for me, getting dressed etc doesn’t take that long, then if you have breakfast straight away you can be done and ready to start the day by 7.30am. That is a lot of time to fill! There isn’t always shopping to do though I agree it’s a good time killer. DS would maybe help with chores/ play independently for 30 mins max while I did jobs. He doesn’t do ‘quiet time’, would maybe read / do jigsaws for 15 mins at a push. That’s then a long time to fill during the afternoon, including expecting him to entertain himself I do tea. And yes I do let him help with the tea but not every single time!

I think a PP hit the nail on the head when they said if you’ve had a child who is happy to colour for hours on end for example you wont understand. My niece (who incidentally has as much if not more screen time than DS) will happily colour for 30 mins, DS has no interest in colouring or sticker books. He has to be moving at all times and interacting with someone, unless he’s watching tv. Sometimes I put the tv on for his own sake to give him chance to wind down before he hits a wall and crashes. That’s not an excuse, screen time is something I massively beat myself up about and I do know I could do better. But just saying it’s not that simple for every one and every child.

@Springbaby2023 , that sounds very similar. Ds just isn’t into things like sticker books or colouring or craft type things. He might do a bit of colouring at a cafe but that’s it.

Baking is tricky because the kitchen layout is not toddler friendly but might give it a try if DD ever stops fussing

With eg colouring, you sit at the table with him. Don't let him get down and wander around.

Brio train tracks are a great toy, impossible to break. Great for imaginative play.

Your outside activities are great, but you do need to up your game inside. Your poor dc.

Choose a song to be your tidying-up song, and play it twice a day. You both tidy up during the song.

But yes, there is a lot of tidying involved when you have young Dc. That's just part of parenting.

@hellsBells246 out of interest, and I’m genuinely interested not being patronising! How do you make them sit at a table and colour? If my DS wants to get down I can’t stop him

Hm, I have always struggled a bit with playing with my children, especially imaginative play. I think they get a lot of that from nursery. Also not all screens are equal - different cbeebies programmes for example will give lots of different information/ spark imagination etc compared to back to back paw patrol.

I remember one of my older friends saying she couldn’t remember her Mum playing with her as a child at all. They had a fantastic relationship as adults. She also used to say that it’s quite a modern thing for mums to play with their children - they didn’t have time when housework was more manual/ time consuming that it is now.

I think if your child knows they are loved that’s the main thing. Play might be nice, but you can’t pretend to be someone you aren’t with your children - you see them too much!!!

Oh also meant to say. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. Mum guilt is awful and it just seems to get me whatever I do and it has never helped me be a better mum - it just makes me irritable.

I reckon a happy mum and a full day of TV is much better than a stroppy mum trying to engineer ‘fun’ while stressing about how messy the house is!

No, but then you take the crayons away. A 3yo can understand 'we only colour at the table'.

Of course, some Dc will be happy to sit at a table and colour for ages. Some won't. I'm just saying that things like scribbling on the walls can be avoided. You just have to have some rules and be eagle-eyed at this age.

With eg colouring, you sit at the table with him. Don't let him get down and wander around.

Why? What benefit is there to forcing him to colour in? He's 3. OP should be led by his interests.

Look at the things he enjoys OP and expand on them. My son is 2 and enjoys scooping and tipping with diggers. So I put a tuff tray out some days with various things he can scoop and tip. He has his diggers but I also give him lots of kitchen utensils, cups, jugs, ladles, etc etc that he can play with. Some days it's something messy like sand, but other days it might be big fluffy pom poms. Another day pasta or rice and lentils. I put toilet or kitchen roll tubes in and he tips them down the tubes. It all sweeps up/hoovers up easily enough. We don't do it every day, maybe once a fortnight.

You can find easy charts online along the lines of "my child likes X, try..."

So "transporting objects" might be giving them an assortment of bags and purses and interesting things to put in them. Kids love putting things in bags to cart about the house. Scooping and tipping, as above: tuff tray or flisat table with something fun to scoop. If they like things that spin you could get a water wheel to play with in the bath or at the kitchen sink, or a treasure basket of different fidget spinners.

Google "play schemas" for more ideas.

Definitely

you too@Notreallylookingforadvice

when on mat leave with the second I let the amount TV slide for a good few months.

no child ever died from watching a lot of TV

The hard phases pass, your babies will be able to sit up and play from
6 months - ish

you can reset on the amount of TV watched then, when you are feeling more on top of things

meantime the only things that matters is finding a moment of connection with your eldest most days. Which COULD Be an outing or activity you do together, you reading them a story. But could also be sitting with them watching their favourite thing.

we also spent about a year acting out Bluey episodes when we did turn the TV off which was fun 🤩

make art and craft things, bake cakes , play some games , read a story ?

Ah I see you mean implement a "crayons at the table only rule"

Yes 100% agree. Some things are only allowed in certain places.

No, but then you take the crayons away. A 3yo can understand 'we only colour at the table'. Yes but then if you want to colour with them, you’re not, are you?

Plus, colouring in with him is hard with a baby who as I said above won’t be put down at the moment. It’s a phase.

Ds is compliant enough but doesn’t tidy away very well. It ends up being very stressful.

your poor dc the only response to that ends with off.

Honestly OP, we can all give advice based on how we are as parents and the type of children we have. But we're not you.

Go with what works for you and your child. If playing at home is too stressful, just don't. Fill his bucket and get all his energy out by getting outdoors. He'll be getting plenty of the messy sensory stuff at nursery.

I do not enjoy playing anything that doesn't have a "purpose". So I'll set up a train track with my son, or build a castle with magnatiles, or bake a cake, or sit and do puzzles with him.

But anything imaginative is just dire. I hate it. As they get older they learn that you can't give them everything. You're a separate human being and you have your own personality. He'll be at school in a couple of years getting all of that stuff from his friends. He'll even learn that some friends are fun for certain kinds of play and other friends are not. Even my two year old knows this. He plays in different ways with different children. And he doesn't need to get everything from me all the bloody time. I can't possibly give him everything he needs all the time!

I get him out as much as I can because it saves me from playing with trucks all day. He's happy outdoors and it tires him out. Get to the park, the pond to feed the ducks, the woods for a walk, museums, local farm parks etc, or just a wander around town to help with the shopping or to find a new toy in a charity shop.

We arrange play dates and they scoot about on balance bikes together or play in the sandpit at the park. I provide what I can at home and I know he gets everything else that I can't give him on his nursery days.

Don't stress about it. Try to expand a little on what you do enjoy doing with him and bugger the rest. All that matters is you're giving him your time and love. Fucking flisat tables, sensory tuff trays, baking and gender neutral toy recommendations are irrelevant at the end of the day. It's all just fluff.

Do the things you enjoy doing with him and fuck the rest.

I’m so disappointed with the vicious and otherwise empathy-free responses to this thread.

Are they from a genuine place of concern for the OP’s child, or are they to bolster their own egos?

I’m glad the early years of parenthood went so perfectly for you guys.

Forcing an uninterested three year old to do colouring, FFS 🤣

Most people have been really nice and supportive tbf

But after they've finished huffing and puffing what happens? Or do you eventually give in and put TV on? Or do they continue to follow you round all afternoon? My kids are younger and I don't think they are autistic, so doubtless easier, but I ignore the whingeing and crying about tv and they will eventually find something to do.

I can’t answer for @Jellycats4life but I always think the danger with my own Ds is that ‘something to do’ is something naughty or (I can imagine with older kids) falling out.

All this sounds great but it's a lot of mess and effort and I think there's also huge value in just letting children entertain themselves. Basically have a few toys out or a box of cars, a few teddies, cushions etc, some floor space, turn off the TV, ignore the moaning, busy yourself with some jobs so that you aren't available and see what happens after an hour.

If you get into a habit of TV for an hour or 2 in the afternoon each day that gives you chance for a sit down and break while it's on. Go out in the morning for an hour or 2. Spend 10 minutes per day doing a child led activity with your child. The rest of the time child does their own thing. You can be on the periphery accepting pretend cups of tea or admiring their tower etc while you feed the baby but no need to get too involved. Half an hour tidy up time at some point and it keeps the mess contained.

I mostly leave the messy stuff for nursery or playgroups, I think it's not really worth it for one child. They can get their fill at the beach or sandpit in summer or the bath in winter.

3 is a tricky age.

I found we needed a mix of being out and about (duck pond, park, swimming, cafes etc) with time at home.

Some toys are less destructible and better suited to open ended independent play.

The best things with my kids:

• toy kitchen/shop with food,
• till with buttons/scanner.
• duplo. So much duplo
• brio/wooden track. Worth the investment to buy a load- look 2nd hand.
• crayons/paper

Spread a large blanket or sheet on floor qhen playing duplo or brio. To tidy up just tip all pieces from sheèt into a kallax box or similar

Re the mess - at this age whats hard is you pretty much have to be involved a lot. You need to help them tidy up at the end of each toy/game, they won't contribute a lot but they need to do it with you and learn/make it habit

I'm quite similar and I find playing hard but I play for a about a minute , sort of set them up with an idea and a scenario ( cars are being naughty so the police car keeps capturing one and putting it in jail. Then the naughty car shouts "get me out of here etc etc" I do that with them and then say "oh mummy has to get on with dinner/work/cleaning now , you carry on "
And then they sort of have an avenue to go down.
I call it play and runaway 😂