To wonder if anyone else struggles to know what to do with their child in the house?

[Notreallylookingforadvice]

As the username suggests I’m not exactly looking for advice on this but I really struggle, always have. Ds is now 3 and I don’t know how to play with him at all. Whenever he’s in the house the TV is inevitably on for him.

@allfurcoatnoknickers you do sound like me!

BTW just seen your post above about 'the mess is totally disproportionate to the time it entertained him' - if you're wondering if its just you, no, that's EXACTLY how I felt. Thinking of it, setting it up and clean up after - an hour or so from me and maybe 5-10 mins of engagement. Those perfect mom activities really suck. I actually wouldn't worry about the alphabet too much at 3, but if you're really keen we did have a bit of mess-free success with those aquamat things and mine had a storage cupboard with a blackboard door, I set her a challenge a few times to paint water over chalk alphabets I wrote up (saw that idea online ha) and that worked well, made no mess and helped her with her pencil grip. And I know you don't want advice but suck it up, lol, another thing that has worked all the way through for us is online tutorials like arthub for kids - the screen helps them start out enthusiastically, there's a lot of choice, the drawing is fun and I've actually picked up quite a bit about parenting tone of voice from some of them too which has helped me.

What I'm getting from you is that you resent some aspects of motherhood. I get that, a lot of it is tedious. Endless sorting and tidying etc, it's mundane and repetitive. Having to put mental effort into thinking of better ways to do it is quite depressing.

However, I have found that having systems in place like toy rotation does reduce the strain a bit. So it's worth finding the energy to do it.

You don't have to enjoy every aspect of motherhood, but it's better to enjoy as much of it as you can. Once these years are over, they're over. Wishing away the years to school seems a bit daft.

Can you put DC in nursery a bit more, so he can do the messy stuff there and ensure more of the time with you is what you actually want?

I know a woman who clearly resents her 3yo, she's constantly negative and down on things and to be honest, it seems like a bad deal for everyone.

There’s a lot I enjoy. But not in the house in all honesty! I actually expected to enjoy playing because I had fond memories of my own childhood games but of course I’ll have been older than Ds is now.

So to sum up - you don't want to parent?

Teaching your child is part of it. A part you should WANT to do.

Breaking toys isn't normal and things don't just get under foot - that's part of your parenting where you haven't bothered teaching him how to behave.

Teaching a child to sit still and focus is a key part of life.

I suspect this post has only been created so you can leave your son to watch TV and you can scroll 🤷‍♀️

I think that, realistically, you have to accept that it's a question of priorities.

It sounds like for you, keeping the house reasonably tidy is the priority. You have indicated that you think it's coming at the expense of you and your son spending time together in the house. The question is whether you want to change that balance. Are you willing to accept a messier house (at least during certain times) in order to prioritise indoor play? If you aren't willing to accept that, then naturally no suggestions of activities are going to help you.

FWIW I think some TV is fine for a three year old, but it sounds like you don't think you're doing enough. You're maybe trying to do everything at once and setting yourself up to fail. In my experience it's not possible to maintain consistent tidiness and have a well-entertained and stimulated three year old at home at the same time. I've coped with this by accepting that on the days we're at home, it's going to be messy and chaotic. I ignore the mess until he's in bed and then I spend half an hour sorting out the toys so order is restored.

You don't have to change anything if you think, overall, your lifestyle is working for you both. It does sound though like you don't feel that way - you say you're not the parent you expected you'd be. Maybe you can try to give yourself some grace about the mess and let things get messy and chaotic during the day, knowing you can restore order once he's asleep.

@Notreallylookingforadvice We're kindred spirits! I love spending time with my children. I love chats with my 4 year old. I love going on walks together, visiting new places, exploring where we live and going on adventures.

I do not like being stuck in the house with them one bit. It's recently got a lot better vat 4.5 though because he can play by himself. He'll build a magnatile city then I just have to come to his room and make impressed noises The baby still needs entertaining/monitoring though 😐

It’s true I do tend to lash out when I read about children being neglected. It’s very hard to read about parents complaining that their child need them to interact with them or that their child makes a mess when that’s what children do or that they are too lazy to help their child tidy up their toys. It is very hard to understand a parent not caring that their child sits in front of a tv all day. I definitely do struggle to put myself in the shoes of parents like these who don’t engage with their children @FloorWipes

Oh dear you are digging yourself a bit of a hole. Maybe you should stay away since you're not able to engage productively with the discussion and you also find it upsetting. However, once you get past the hyperbole you've used to justify yourself, I think you should think more carefully about what I have said.

@Derdiedasdie I don't know how you got from finding it hard to entertain children in the house to child neglect.

I will openly admit I find entertaining my children in the house a total chore, which is why we tend to go out as much as possible so I don't have to. I don't think going for walks, going to the park, going to the library, going to a cafe for lunch etc. instead of staying home doing messy play (my own personal hell) constitutes neglect...

I responded to a poster who said the entirety of the time she spends with her child is with them watching television. This is neglectful in my opinion. The impact of tv on young children is well documented as is the needs of children to interact and engage with their parents.

You don’t want to read @beanii <eye roll>

Since it’s a case of won’t rather than can’t I don’t think there’s any point in continuing. It leads to bad feelings.

@CouCouCachou ive definitely given the wrong impression if it sounds like I have a show home. It’s the opposite problem. I suppose … imagine if you went to view a nursery and toys and mess and crap was everywhere so the children couldn’t play easily. That’s more my house!

Wow do you really think someone who is neglecting their child by plonking them in front of the tv takes them out to do the activities OP described and goes on an internet forum for a bit of support and opens themselves up for criticism in the process, and puts their hand up and says “I think I could do better”, as OP has done?

OP has even taken on board some advice despite explicitly asking not to be given advice!!

To to be fair she is having a go at another poster. But not that that is any better and makes me feel bad as the poster only engaged to cheer me up and got called neglectful.

Telling them to go and entertain themselves is fine I think? What do they do then?

^
This
I dislike the rough and tumble play my 3year old DD currently loves so when it's me and her we're either outside, reading, drawing, or she is following me around the house whilst I explain what we're doing. DH thankfully loves boisterous play so does that with her

They look at me like I’ve made the most ridiculous and unreasonable request ever. They huff and flail and refuse every single thing I suggest - from the general (“your room is full of things - pick something”) to the specific (“why don’t you play with one of those logic games that you like, or read your magazine?”).

Like I said, my kids are autistic and extremely demand avoidant. To be both extremely bored and in complete opposition to every suggestion I make is hardwired into their brains. I know it isn’t normal 😅 But it’s been my reality for over ten years.

@Jellycats4life Oh my GOD “what can I doooooooo?” sends me absolutely round the bend. How about your whole room full of toys? How about the eleventy billion magnatiles you have? The Jurassic Park's worth of dinosaurs?

ARGHHHH.

Cut yourself some slack OP.

three is still pretty young. Some kids that age can play independently, some can’t. I’ve had one that could and one that couldn’t.

Lots of TV - we can get into this habit too. It’s a habit as much for me as a parent as much as it is for them. Happens more when I’m run down or overworked. Eg before Xmas TV became a default for our DC (now 5&10) including eg during dinner.

I’ve learned that I can reset but I have to be rested and resourced to do so. So although I didn’t like it I let it slide up to Xmas as I was crawling there myself. And then through Xmas as we had a lot of relative visiting to get through. And then after Xmas while I recovered a bit. THEN the last weekend of the holidays I addressed it.

changing TV. When I’m ready I go cold turkey on TV. Otherwise I find each day is about waiting for the TV hour. Going cold turkey (we did three days) is a tough first day of the five year old especially asking and asking but then he accepts it’s not happening and is more likely to engage with other stuff.

after a few days of none at all it’s easier to bring it back with better boundaries (eg we do 1hr before dinner)

i agree with suggestions to do with them what you also enjoy.

im also trying to structure time together - so to be clear with them and myself when I’m focusing on them and available to play (their choice) or available to do an activity I’m organising (eg craft or baking which I quite enjoy).

and then when I’m doing my stuff and they can either help me out or entertain themselves. I do play with the kids a lot but am also aware some time together can become poor quality as I’m distracted by things I need to do or waiting to get some time for my stuff.

ifs about finding a balance of playing with them, supporting them to develop the skills to play themselves, and (while I agree with a PP that it’s sad if your parent didn’t ever play or do stuff with you) also age appropriately letting them know that you are not a 24/7 entertainment machine.

but somE three year olds aren’t yet able to entertain themselves for very long at all.

OP parenting a young child can be draining. Find a way to take some time for yourself to recover and THEN consider what changes you want to make

@Fernsfernsferns this is quite reassuring to read. I really want to cut back on tv for my eldest DC but I’m in the middle of sleep deprivation hell with his younger brother, so maybe I should cut myself some slack and reset instead when I’m less tired!

Fellow sleep deprived parent!

Thank god someone has said this. I'm astounded at the number of lazy selfish parents on here who don't like playing with their children so don't do it and plonk the children in front of the TV. What did they think having a child entailed? Then they say they worry about the children watching too much TV! Many of them have it on in the background, as if that's necessary, why does it have to be on all the time? The TV has an off button, use it! OP has said her 3 year old is watching 5 hours of TV a day, in anyone's book that's far too much, yet so many on here think it's fine. I'm a grandmother now and in all the time I was bringing my own children up and also with my granddaughter I don't know anyone who let their children watch this much TV or screens.

I think the main problem at the moment is the baby.

She doesn’t nap and any time we do spend in the house is spent with her arching her back and trying to escape but then crying if I put her down. I can’t really do much with Ds with her like this and I can’t really organise any meaningful activities either.

But give me a nice big kick in my ribs there @GetWhatYouWant 👍🏻

Yeah it was hard work mostly. I had mine in nursery in the mornings (baby too) when I went back to work pt so only had the afternoons to kill.
Much better when they were in primary.

I really struggled with playing at home with my son at that age. He wasn’t into imaginative play then, and didn’t have the attention span for crafts and so on. And the mess! I couldn’t handle it. I had friends - often those with girls - who could spent an afternoon at home painting or doing play doh or colouring or baking. Not us. He did like reading though (me reading obviously, he’s not in MENSA).

I know this isn’t particularly helpful but we just spent a lot of the time out of the house because we struggled in the house. National trust places, the garden, playgrounds, swimming, softplays, toddler groups, etc - and toddler classes etc.

He’s now 4.5 and great at home.

I’d also say that all children are different. You know your child best and advice from people who don’t know your child may not actually be that helpful. I know exactly what you mean about mess and not being able to just tell him to use a crayon properly. But people who’ve had children who like to sit and colour for hours won’t get it.