To wonder if anyone else struggles to know what to do with their child in the house?

[Notreallylookingforadvice]

As the username suggests I’m not exactly looking for advice on this but I really struggle, always have. Ds is now 3 and I don’t know how to play with him at all. Whenever he’s in the house the TV is inevitably on for him.

Picking up on what you are saying around 'mess' - can you designate a particular area of your home to doing activities with your child so the whole house doesn't become messy ? I understand a bit what you are saying as my husband cannot cope in a messy environment . I used to love doing craft activities with DS but DH would struggle coming back from work to the kitchen covered in cereal boxes and paint .

Could you set aside an area in your DC's room for this sort of activity or other play and just do tidy up before bed - so that the rest of your house stays tidy? And appropriate storage where it's easy to scoop everything up at the end of the day / tea time is helpful . Water play in the bath keeps things contained too.

You mention using TV a lot of. One thing I used to do with DS was that we would watch the children's art & craft programme and the cooking programme and use this for ideas for our own activities . There were also movement/dance things that we used to move to ourselves . This was several years back but I would assume there would be similar programmes on now .

TV isn't necessarily bad - and it sounds as though you are doing a lot of other things with your DC outside of the house, and they are going to nursery two days a week so don't be too hard on yourself .

What are they watching on telly? Is it Nickelodeon crap or are you encouraging stuff they will also learn from like Numberblocks/Alphablocks (and plenty of other CBeebies stuff)? Do you always have the subtitles on when the telly is on?

No. No no To T. V.
You need magic colouring books.
A sink with tall stool for WATER PLAY water toys.
A paddling pool in garden.
Farm animals, or small dinosaur toys.
Dolls House .
Paper and crayons.
Space Hopper.
Jumping trampoline.( Small size for kids))
Walks in the Park.
Meetings at Church Hall toddler groups.
Meetings at friends houses with same age kids.
Local Swimming baths baby sessions.

We had a big thick plastic sheet that went on the floor and their little table went on top of it . They did stuff with painting, drawing round shapes and colouring in, drawing 'things' - the cats were a favourite. FIL made some wooden flat shapes for them to draw around or they did it on card and then painted/coloured and I cut them out and put them on a string to hang up- stars, circles, squares, cats, suns, moons, bears, cars, christmas type trees, people. They loved that. Lots of art and craft things. Making scones and biscuits and little cakes too. They had Bric things they could make stuff from - DS liked to push his cars and tractors around things he'd built.
They all liked cleaning- dusting, sweeping. DS1 spent hours taking everything out of his toybox and putting everything back then taking it out again. There are tennis courts next to our house and in the winter when they weren't used and the nets and posts were down I used to take them to ride their bikes round them and run round them so I could sit with a coffee and my phone for a bit.

We also had a giant pin board attached along the bottom half of a wall in the play room and would cover it in paper so they could decorate it. DD drew 'bosoms' (as MIL calls them )all over it one afternoon.

I'm not the most motivated-player-with-small-children. It doesn't interest me really. My thing was walking them outside every day- in almost any weather. Put them in the pushchair, wrapped up and I'd walk miles pushing them usually on the prom and stop for a coffee and a treat. DS1 was really good company from being about 4 months. He was my little pal. DD was contrary and quite a challenge at times but funny. DS2 was a bit clingy which can be so wearying, but he's grown out of it now.

They will remember how much you loved them, not how much you played with them when they were toddlers. I recall very little of being a toddler - more about places than activities. We have lots of photos of me doing things. I don't remember doing the things, but I do remember my mam and dad were always there, hugging me, cuddling me and talking to me. I remember much more about the activities I did at home when I was about 4 upwards.

Firstly, you're doing a really really good job. Please don't worry about the in-between. You made a list of what you did in the week, that is plenty. He does stuff outside and you spend time with him, if you can fit any extras in then great! If not it's absolutely ok. I am that parent that gets cringe over mess, glitter and playdough belong in the nursery not my home. We colour in and use water colours at the table with a plastic table cloth underneath so it can be scooped up and disposed of 😂🙈 but my children (I have 3) are happy, they're entertained and playing. They're also happy with chill out time Infront of the telly too! Mum, you're doing great imo 💕💕.

You can educate him, play with him, make him play independently, have him helping you with laundry, dusting, tidying up,... (small children love to help). Screens harm children's development, it would be good if you could limit TV to an hour a day or not at all if you're able. DS is 3 as well and this is a very lovely age, enjoy it while it lasts :)

Magnetic tiles have been an absolute game changer. They keep my two busy for hours. All other toys are collecting dust or are broken.

Screen free family here. We do only really have weekends at home and we are out a lot so can't imagine what being in a lot more would be like. But home activities we enjoy include lego towers, baking, reading, paints/chalk drawings, and pairing up the socks (actually true - kiddo loves it). We don't allow screens but always have background music on (radio/songs etc).

Thanks. Sone of this is helpful. I think the key problem is Ds isn’t very good at putting things away. He will do it, he isn’t deliberately non compliant but he tends to make more of a mess. So I have to step in and when you’re doing it multiple times a day it does get exhausting and wearing.

@Vonesk have you read my posts? Sorry to pick on yours a bit but it came across very bossily. We have the TV on in between other things - I do want to cut down on it but these are not children who never leave the house and watch TV all day. They attend groups with music and movement, cycling in the park, adventure playgrounds, swimming, feeding ducks, to name but a few. And nursery which is good as they do get to paint etc.

So to give a for instance. Last Friday we went to a park for a nature trail. Saw owls, played on the adventure playground, all great. But we set off at 10 and were home at 3. From 7-9 and 3-6 it was TV. I’m aware that’s not good and want to cut down. But I don’t need lots of lists of novel ideas we can do (go for a walk - really?)

Let’s not be nasty. If you are genuinely concerned for that child there are ways of communicating that which are helpful and conducive, not just spiteful. That’s probably a more helpful skill than all the crayons in the early learning centre, isn’t it?

The parents on here who are so anti TV - what are your views on screens at the restaurant table with Peppa Pig?

That’s one time we don’t use screens. I genuinely don’t judge those who do.

I think I’m a bit tired and TV is an easy default. Have ordered some crayons and a colouring book though so that’s a start!

This is nasty and unnecessary and inaccurate.

You sound exactly the same as me! I hate spending long periods of time at home with the kids and I am very conscious that my three year old watches way too much TV. The problem is even with going outside and trips out etc there is still so much of the day to fill now he doesn’t nap. He tends to have it on from when we get up until when we leave the house, as we try and get out first thing. Then if we’re back he’ll have some after lunch while the baby naps and to give him chance to chill out, since he doesn’t nap it can be a struggle to get him through to bedtime without him losing the plot. Then he has some while I’m cooking dinner and / or after dinner before bathtime etc begins.

We do plenty of different activities, we go for a walk every single day, we read several books a day, and he has access to puzzles, books and toys etc. But I just cannot play with him for hours on end, especially with a baby in tow. He loves to help and I do give him a cloth and spray bottle with water in, and his special job is mopping the floor, but I cannot have him around while I’m trying to do something like put clothes away else they’ll just end up on the floor. He’s also got a short attention span (aware too much tv makes this worse!) so if we do play doh or something then it’s only for 10 mins before he wants something new to do. I cannot do six different activities an hour!

I try to set things up in advance to encourage play (I.E a pretend shop, a Brio train track, small worlds) and I do play with him, but there is just too much time in the day to fill and / or he is too tired at times to do much more than watch tv.

One thing I do a lot of with him is baking because I enjoy that far more than playing, he loves it, and we then get something yummy to eat. But then inevitably the tv goes on while I clean up.

I just try to remind myself that he’s getting a good balanced childhood, he’s a great kid, and too much tv ultimately isn’t going to harm him. I struggle though, the guilt is real.

I get this - I always found 'playing at home' really dull and would rather get out, or if that wasn't an option, my default even now is 'film and snuggle on sofa' which really doesn't work for long enough...

During lockdowns, we had to find some things to do.

Things that did work at least for a bit and didn't involve too much 'playing' from me: some sort of treasure hunt. Hiding something like toy dinosaurs or similar in a room and then letting child find them all. You need to keep a count of how many you've hidden and will almost certainly end up with one found months later... But it keeps them occupied for a fair while, and is fairly low involvement once you've done the hiding. If you want something slightly more involved, more of a clues/treasure hunt thing all around the house is good - for a 3 year old you might just need to have pictures of the rough area to look and/or a map of your house. Or a scavenger hunt (you can often find ones to print online of standard household objects..).

Someone has mentioned big boxes as well - especially good if you can get them to 'decorate' them with pens - they can sit inside so minimal mess....

Generally getting them involved in housework - so sorting socks out or putting washing in the machine. Giving them a duster and letting them 'dust' the surfaces. Frankly even letting them go wild with the hoover if you've a light one - doesn't matter if they don't do a good job.

If you want to avoid mess (and I get that, I really do) that does reduce some of the things for indoor play. The biggest problem I always found was that nothing takes up a big enough chunk of time. So you can set something up, play it, feel like it must have been hours, and discover 5 minutes has passed....

Honestly, the real answer though is to get out as much as possible. Even if its just to walk to the shops and pick up a few things or scoot to the park for half an hour. It breaks up the day and means the amount of time you have to spend playing is much smaller....

@Notreallylookingforadvice my son when young spent hours on his brio train layouts- he also really liked his old matchbox garage with working 'lift' and lining up toy cars etc

See this is what I struggle with. We do ALL of those things but there are still so many hours to fill in a day. I would say that would fill three hours tops in this house, and I mean maximum, realistically DS would probably only manage 10 mins of each before he got bored. Even if we’re out the house from say 10am - 3pm and allow for 1.5 hours for breakfast and dinner combined, that’s 5.5 hours to fill so we could do all of those things and still need to find something to do for another 2.5 hours. And quite frankly I just don’t have the energy. Maybe when the baby sleeps better I will do better… I am genuinely envious of those who have no or low screen time.

I’ve been in your shoes OP. When my children were this age I was at an absolute loss when it came to keeping them occupied.

I didn’t know at the time, but I was autistic and so were they.

I found playing with them so tedious. I hated it. Not only that, but it was impossible to keep them interested in anything for more than a few minutes. I was constantly on the lookout for a new toy they might be interested in, in the hope it would be The One. I’d set up a bowl of water on the floor with toys, I’d get out PlayDoh, or kinetic sand, car garage, a train set, marble run… You name it, they wouldn’t play with it. It was all a massive waste of time (and money) 😅

I remember posting on MN about my eldest when she was 6. How to get this child to occupy herself? I got ripped to shreds by some very spiteful people, as you have been here. Apparently it was all my fault and all I needed to do was take her to the park more often (of course, that wasn’t my question - I wanted to know why this child could. not. play.)

Anyway, I got the answer eventually. She wasn’t neurotypical.

I sympathise on the mess. I think it's unavoidable though. It does sound as though you're using TV to avoid mess. You have to make a conscious decision to put up with some mess for your child's sake.

We have a box for each toy type and they have to put one thing away before they get something else out. I will help them but they have to tidy as well. Bits still end up everywhere but that's life. We have a big toy box that it all gets lobbed into and then occasionally we sort it all out.

Play dough and painting are only at the table under direct supervision.

I don't really play with my kids that much, I mostly let them get on with it, they usually find something to do, I will get them set up with something or help them if they ask.

I limit TV, save it for late afternoon when they are grouchy or sometimes weekend mornings if I have jobs to do. It's probably on at least 2 hours a day which is still a lot.

Mine enjoy Playmobil, toy cars and toy garage, drawing, playing with teddies, playing with cushions and blankets, putting random things into boxes and bags, toy food and toy kitchen mainly.

We do sound very similar @Springbaby2023 .

I have never mastered involving Ds in housework I am afraid. He means well but it’s like setting an enthusiastic Labrador on a task.

My children play on their own or with each other. I would not be able to actually play with a child for more than a couple of ten minutes a day either. If you turn TV off they will find stuff to do. Children can't really be bored, they just need to learn how to entertain themselves

I hear you. I’m not the parent I thought I’d be. I really thought I’d be super engaged, playing with them (I have twins). As I was so desperate to be a mum. But I’m really not. And like you I’m better out of the house as when I’m home I get sidelined into housework etc and they have a lot of iPad time. We had a family meeting over Xmas hols and have a schedule incl screen limits now, but is def a work in progress.
Lockdown was awful for us, not being able to go out, but I got into a rut and haven’t actually managed to break out of it yet. But am determined this year will be better.
Am sure we can both do it!

That sounds hard @Jellycats4life . He will play but our environment needs to be a bit better - it’s too full at the moment - and also I need to play with him more I realise. Out of the house it’s no problem. He is brilliant at climbing, cycling type skills, it’s those fine motor ones we probably should work at.

@ShoePalaver He does play by himself occasionally but only for short bursts of time. It has started to increase as he gets older, but honestly he couldn’t play with Brio (for example) for an hour by himself. I try to do 15 mins of playing with him and then leave him to play by himself for 10/15 mins but he will just constantly ask me to play with him. Interestingly I was discussing this with a friend the other day who has a similar 3yo and we were wondering whether lockdown had anything to do with it. For the whole first year of his life pretty much his only entertainment was me, I played with him all day every day apart from on our daily walk. So maybe he’s just slower at now learning how to play by himself. It is a vicious circle though, we definitely need to be stricter on turning the tv off, it’s just hard when you’re knackered from being up all night with the baby.