5 year old took coat off-what would you have done?

[Swiftschoolpickup]

After school dog walk with my Dd, 5.5. It was cold (v cold) and almost drizzly. She had a long sleeved dress, tights and boots on and her puffa type jacket. All was going well, a nice walk, when Dd says she doesn’t want her coat on and takes it off. I tell her it’s too cold, it’s January and to put it back on, cue almighty meltdown, crying lots and shouting and refusing to put it on. So we walk back to the car to go home, walking past people looking at me like I’m an awful mother.
Dd calmed down later and said sorry, I said she didn’t need to say sorry but explained to her why she needs to wear a coat. She said she didn’t feel free, which I get…
Did I deal with this correctly? Never sure if I’m being too harsh or not firm enough
What would you have done?
Is it normal that she got this upset about it?

She's 5, I would have checked her dress sleeves hadn't rolled up or were irritating her. Otherwise unlike other posters I would have just cut the walk short and gone back home. The tantrum which might have been annoying isn't unheard of with a child of this age. The same people who would have judged her tantrum would have judged her walking about without a coat on. Be confident in your parenting.

Grandson would have to be in the Artic to wear a coat.. he stays with me and I'm freezing.. he's walking around in underpants and asking me to turn heating off. He hates feeling " bulky".
But he does have ASD.
20 minutes walk from his house to mine.. his Mum in big coat/ scarf/ gloves etc.
Grandson in joggers and a T shirt and his Mum carrying his top and coat.

She may not need to wear a coat but she does need to do what you say. Just forget about it. As an aside my nephew's lips used to go blue and he still wouldn't wear a coat and a doctor told my sis to make him. So there's no one size fits all option with coats in more ways than one!

Maybe look for a sleeveless coat if she didn't feel free with a jumper underneath... Or go Red Riding hoodesque with a cloak

I’ll never understand why adults feel they know how a child feels .
Even a small child knows if they are hot or cold .
I let mine make their own decisions. If they choose not to wear a coat and are cold , then they will take a coat next time .
I’m a teacher and it drives me mad the way staff almost force children into their coats !!

My 4 year old never wants to wear her coat, I let her take it off and if she’s cold she will ask for it back on.

Different if it’s a toddler who can’t communicate their needs but your daughters 5 she can tell you when she’s cold.

Not a battle to be had

really really really old joke

A coat is something a child wears when their mother feels cold.

I would not be forcing her into her coat if she didn’t want it on. But likewise, I would not be carrying it. So if she wants it off, fine but she carries it.

Normally I just leave it, and she'll put it on when she gets too cold.

Today it was 1 degree outside and she's recovering from tonsillitis, so I insisted. "Coat on or you're going home". This worked because I have followed though on it in the past.

I think you might have exaggerated . If she didn’t what the coat let her take it off . When she is cold she would put it back

My DD never wore a coat, hat, gloves or scarf at that age. She just never felt the cold. She wears a coat now she's a teenager but still refuses a scarf, hat and gloves. I've given up buying them. Think of the money you'll save!

I spent most of primary stage carrying coats. Not because I thought my dds would wear them but so other parents judging me could see coats were available.

i would suggest it’s cold so we need a coat on but if dd persisted I’d say okay let’s try but as soon as you’re cold we can pop it back on quickly so just let me know (gives dc power and allows for a swift change of mind).

I have this argument every fucking day with DS age 5 and I used to with his older brother as well. I used to get enraged (silently, inside!) at strangers asking me if he wasn't cold. Once I actually thrust the coat at one and said "Here you go then, you put it on him because he won't let me!" They offered it to him and he was so surprised that he just put it on which of course made me look like I was making a mountain out of a molehill I eventually gave up because he is some kind of lizard and is never cold.

He is now a teenager and finally let me buy him a ridiculously expensive and thin Adidas jacket

The worst part is DS can be standing there shivering and INSISTING he still doesn't want to wear his coat. Or for example today he wore his coat but didn't wear his jumper so he was crying for the whole (2 minute) walk home that his hands are freezing cold - and they were, they were bright red. I have to collect 5 jumpers every Friday because his drawers are empty and he has 5 pristine jumpers on his peg. I actually thought that we had surpassed the coat refusal stage because until last winter he basically would wear all kinds of coats, hats, etc no issue at all (whereas DS1 has forever cast off any layer of warmth, I think he is currently sleeping with his window open) but no, apparently he was just delaying it until he realised that he COULD refuse to wear a coat.

OK frustration aside this is what actually helps.

Often the sleeve of a long sleeved top and/or jumper can get pushed up inside each other, this feels horrible and they can't explain it properly to you but we get him to hold onto his sleeves so that this doesn't happen.

Explaining (at a SEPARATE calm time, not when they or you are raging) about concepts like if you keep your body warm then it warms up your blood which will then flow to your feet, hands, etc and make them warm (because his logic is: My body isn't cold, only my hands are cold. My coat won't cover my hands, therefore it won't help. Totally logical. But wrong because it does actually help if you keep your core warm.)

Trying different coats. Letting them pick the coat - I admit here I'm spoiled for choice because a 10 year gap means you have a lot of friends VERY excited about a new baby so I have a lot of hand me downs. But there are also inexpensive coats to be found in charity shops, supermarkets, H&M and Primark. There are many different styles of coat and I'm sure there will be a hideous one that she finds beautiful. We currently have a Spiderman themed coat which clashes with his hair, and a black, warmer one with little sleeve things with a thumb hole.

Have a rule that she can either wear the coat or carry it herself, but you will not carry it for her. It's annoying enough they often just put it on. NB this may fail if you have a buggy and they point out helpfully that they can just put their coat on the buggy so you don't have to carry it either.

Suggest that they wear it just with the hood attached, or with it not done up, as a compromise.

Make a chart showing different temperatures, agree in advance at which temperature the coat is needed. Ask google/Alexa the weather forecast or check phone before leaving the house, cross-reference with chart (good number practice too).

Let them run just outside the door (or open a window if in a flat) to "test" the temperature and whether they think they need a coat or not (has to happen before the meltdown).

Experiment with extra layers e.g. thermal underwear, tights.

Have certain rules e.g. "If it's snowing, raining or you can see your breath, then you need to wear a coat. Outside of these conditions, it's your choice".

Problem solving (again, when calm) - for example today's freezing hand problem was caused in part by the lack of a jumper, but in part also because he'd done drawings and if he had used the mitten things built into his hat/scarf/glove combo then he would have dropped the drawings, but I couldn't hold them either as I was carrying the 2yo who was screaming and had turned into a plank as he had not been allowed to press a button, which was very unreasonable of me as it was a particularly interesting button. So tomorrow I have promised to bring a bag just in case there are any drawings to be carried.

I don’t think you did the wrong thing going home though. If it wasn’t 1 degrees outside I would have left it. At 1 or 2 degrees I would have said ‘wear your coat or we have to go back’. If she chose not to wear it then we go back even if she gets upset. She had the choice but learned the consequence of that choice.

Can’t believe people would let their kid not wear a coat in properly Baltic temperatures out there!

She is 5 and a half , not a baby, she knows if she is hot or cold.
Stop fussing!

And my 6 year old does get this upset about stuff sometimes, he seems to have quite big emotions. Usually I wouldn’t argue this type of thing, his choice, but something like this where it’s absolutely freezing I would have to put a boundary there.

Youngest used to do that - only it was a proper coat!! Couldn't be bothered to get worked up about it. Grew up absolutely fine lol!

I’m like that, I am not keen on wearing a coat as I feel restricted - and I am 65! So tonight, 1°C outside and I go out at 7.30 pm wearing a short sleeved T-shirt with a coatigan on top, with no fastenings. I was driving though and my car heats up quickly then only had a short walk into the building.

I prefer to wear a poncho or wrap rather than a coat as I genuinely don’t feel the cold as much as others - I blame that on being very overweight so I have plenty of insulation! Never wear hat, gloves or scarves other than driving gloves on freezing mornings.

I feel trapped and restricted in a tight coat, although I will wear a lightweight jacket with a hood if it’s raining as I cannot hold an umbrella because I need two sticks to walk with.

I can understand where children are coming from and my own children were allowed to decide for themselves if they wanted to wear a coat but I refused to carry the coats if they chose to take it off!

What harm would it have done her???

Can't believe there's people who would get their knickers in a twist - it's cold but it's not Baltic!! Speaking as someone who has reared 3 children to adulthood, trust me, this is not a hill to die on!

Same. I make sure DS has a coat, it is up to him if he wears it. If he gets cold, he’s not stupid, he can put it on.

I wouldn’t let him go out in the rain with no coat on, because then he’d be wet and cold all day. But a minute or two of being cold before he works out he does actually need a coat on in December after all? That won’t kill him.

I don’t argue with coats, gloves, scarves or hats when it’s not raining. They put them on if they get too cold.

if it’s raining then it’s a coat, a hat or an umbrella.

DS14 only has a coat because his school threatened to report me to social services if he didn’t have one. They said they know he never wears it and they know he has one at home but that’s not the point and he must have one in school every day. He hasn’t worn a coat since I last argued him into one when he was 7. It was such an argument we both remember it still. Every time we check the coat and see he’s grown out of it it gets donated to the uniform bank and he gets another one.
He had a draught excluder inside his bedroom that he must use to protect the rest of us from the fact he had both bedroom windows open all year round. He just runs warm!

Dont feel bad though. I used to argue all the time. Then one day, after DS and I had a blazing row, I saw a woman in the park - in the snow! - say “you’ll get cold, but fine” when her kid wanted to take his coat off. He played for 5 mins and put gloves on, then eventually put his coat back on. No shouting, no tears, no drama.

Agree - this is not an argument I would have had. If my kid takes her coat off the most I'll do is try (usually unsuccessfully) to get her to carry it home herself, and check in with her about whether she wants to put it back on every so often. It's a victory if she doesn't drag it straight through a puddle.

I have a very clear memory, pre-parenthood, of judging a mother massively (though, fortunately, in my head only) for letting her child wear jelly sandals in the March rain. If you're out there, nameless parent, I get it now and I am sorry I (mentally) questioned you.

I would have done what you did. If you let her get cold you're neglectful and if you make her put her coat back on you're overbearing.

A mother's place is in the wrong.

When I was little the child got the glares. Times have changed.

I stopped buying them for mine when they were young as they wouldn't wear them but I also understand the wanting to be 'free'. 🤸‍♀️ I rarely wear coats as I hate the restrictive feeling but I wear heavy weight over large hoodies and thick chunky handknits as they are stretchy and don't restrict movement. Perhaps have a discussion about what she feels comfortable in and don't waste money on coats she won't wear in future.