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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

505 replies

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:16

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

OP posts:
yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:17

That should say its NOW just expected.

OP posts:
mrmagpie · 09/01/2024 19:19

Does he ever take their joint children on holiday?

It is a bit of an odd set up, but if that's the only holiday they get to go on, I can see why they did this.

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:19

You need to give more notice than this year - so tell her this year is her lat year of contributions and that from 2025 there will be no contributions for holidays.

MamPadi · 09/01/2024 19:20

YANBU he's been really generous doing this but she should be funding her own holiday now! Assuming you and DH are financially able to take DC on holiday so they're not missing out ?

IncompleteSenten · 09/01/2024 19:20

He should say to her that from now on he'll pay for the holidays he takes his children on and she can pay for the holidays she takes them on. Perhaps suggest they alternate years.

Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:20

This sort of thing is the reason that I wouldnt go for a man with existing children (or if I did, I wouldn't have further kids with him myself)

I think he should keep paying personally.

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:21

Sorry yes we do take all DC away every year.

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 09/01/2024 19:22

It really depends on what else he pays for for the children. Does he go halves on school uniforms, school trips, lunch expenses, after school clubs, new clothes for them, etc or is this all he pays for?

dlago · 09/01/2024 19:22

Is he paying for her holiday OR is paying towards the holiday she takes THEIR children on?

Do you and your husband take THEIR children on holiday?

I don't think anyone can comment without that information.

LolaSmiles · 09/01/2024 19:23

When you say 50/50 is it 50/50 contact or 50/50 on all the costs of raising children? Who does the uniform shopping, school trips, any clubs, trips out with friends, allowances, new shoes, new clothes? That would make a difference to me on whether it's reasonable to still contribute to his children's holidays.

For what it's worth, the fact she has a new partner is irrelevant. New partners are not responsible for financing children from a previous relationship; that's what children have their parents for.

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:24

Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:20

This sort of thing is the reason that I wouldnt go for a man with existing children (or if I did, I wouldn't have further kids with him myself)

I think he should keep paying personally.

Why should he pay for his ex to take them on holiday, and then pay again when HE takes them on holiday?

margotrose · 09/01/2024 19:24

Does he genuinely have 50/50 care and pay 50% of every single child-related cost?

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:24

He pays half of everything they need always has. He probably even pays a little more on paper than her as he pays for phone contracts too for both. I don't have a problem with any of that. But I do think 7+ years on is time to start funding your own holidays. I feel like we're essentially sending another family on holiday every year (she has a partner now who goes!). We don't have anyone paying for ours, we work hard and save for it like other people have to. And because of this have to save that bit harder for our own holidays knowing we've got to fork out for hers too.

OP posts:
Consideringachange2023 · 09/01/2024 19:24

Im a big on the fence here, he isn’t giving HER money so SHE can go on holiday, he is contributing to his children going on holiday. Something he would have done if they’d stayed together.

If you take your step kids away then I’m more inclined to agree that he should stop however if they don’t get holidays with you and DH then I wouldn’t agree.

DH can tell her this is the last year he is contributing and ensure that you two plan something for kids next year so they don’t go without

RandomButtons · 09/01/2024 19:25

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:21

Sorry yes we do take all DC away every year.

In that case IMO yes it should stop.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 09/01/2024 19:26

This is between your DH and the mother of his children I’m afraid.

MummyJ36 · 09/01/2024 19:26

I think if she was still a single parent fair enough but it’s taking the piss that the new partner is getting a free holiday too!! I think at the very least your DH should deduct any payment that would include her new partner.

Stephy1024 · 09/01/2024 19:26

I find it a strange set up. With my ex. He pays for what he does with the kids and I pay for what I do with them. He pays support and half of their activities. I wouldn't dream of expecting my ex to fund my holiday that I was going on and he wouldn't expect me to fund his.

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:27

DSC haven't gone without they go on holiday with us every year, every holiday we've ever taken they've come on as they should.

OP posts:
Riseandshinee · 09/01/2024 19:27

I think it’s fair he contributes for his children to go on holiday

Waterybrook · 09/01/2024 19:27

but They are his children and he probably likes them having a lovely holiday. Childhood so short and all that. What does he feel about it?

If you think of the kids first and foremost you probably come to a different conclusion.

margotrose · 09/01/2024 19:28

Would she still take them if he didn't send her the money?

humus · 09/01/2024 19:28

Of course it should stop now, it was generous in the beginning and now it’s ridiculous.

TidyDancer · 09/01/2024 19:28

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:19

You need to give more notice than this year - so tell her this year is her lat year of contributions and that from 2025 there will be no contributions for holidays.

I agree with this. With plenty of notice there's no grounds for a reasonable objection.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 09/01/2024 19:28

Why is it ridiculous?

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