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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

505 replies

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:16

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:46

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:42

In the same way the ex had no partner and now she does. Things change. Life goes on. It is not reasonable to expect the father to pay for his ex and her partner to go on holiday with his kids, when he already pays for his kids to go on holiday with him! How many holidays do the kids need? Some children never get to go on ONE holiday - let alone several. If she wants to take them away, then she needs to cover the costs. But as I said, give her a year's notice of the decision.

This will be my last message on the subject, but the children are not her new partners kids.

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:48

Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:46

This will be my last message on the subject, but the children are not her new partners kids.

Excellent. And the kids are not the OPs kids either. And the ex is not making any payments for them to go on holiday with the OP and the kids' father.

Timeforchange12 · 09/01/2024 19:48

What?? heck no, She needs to pay for her holidays with the kids, as you pay for your holidays with the kids. I wouldn't give notice either. Shes unreasonable to complain about it if she does. She should be grateful he's paid for them as long as he has!

JadziaD · 09/01/2024 19:49

I think that of course legally he's not obliged to pay. But there are quite a few variables I'd be interested in, most notably: does she earn significantly less than him and therefore holidays would be tricky without this support and also, how much is he contributing - are we talking a significant amount of money or a relatively small amount?

LetMeDream · 09/01/2024 19:49

He sounds a decent father, his children probably look forward to going away with their Mum. Just because she has a partner now doesn't mean he pays for her or her children. In the interests of the children l would let it slide, they've been through a lot of changes.

adriftinadenofvipers · 09/01/2024 19:50

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 09/01/2024 19:43

His DW wasn't a miserable tightarse
Well bully for her.
OP has DC being negatively affected by some random woman being handed money out of their household to treat herself to a holiday. I'd argue that it's the ex here that's a "miserable tight arse" if she won't pay her own way.

The "random woman" is the mother of some of his children!!!

What a horrible thing to say!

However, I do agree, it is time for this arrangement to stop - you might as well expect her to contribute to the cost of your family holiday, which would be ridiculous.

UndertheCedartree · 09/01/2024 19:51

MummyJ36 · 09/01/2024 19:26

I think if she was still a single parent fair enough but it’s taking the piss that the new partner is getting a free holiday too!! I think at the very least your DH should deduct any payment that would include her new partner.

He just contributes towards the holiday so probably pays something towards the DC going away not for his ex or her new partner!

wronginalltherightways · 09/01/2024 19:52

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:29

Even when it affects what we can do as a family ourselves (limits where we can go etc) and when we share a child who will be impacted by their dad's finances being stretched for something unnecessary like this. We have joint finances, it's all in one pot so I'm not sure I really agree it's nothing to do with me.

It is nothing to do with you ... unless you're saying you would continue to pay for half of everything else as he does now if he were to lose his job/income.

MummyJ36 · 09/01/2024 19:53

UndertheCedartree · 09/01/2024 19:51

He just contributes towards the holiday so probably pays something towards the DC going away not for his ex or her new partner!

I mean I don’t think it’s a problem if he’s contributing towards the kids going per se but I think his ex and her partner need to be covering for themselves. Especially as OP and DH don’t sound like they’re rolling in it (or enough to finance a holiday for his ex and her partner)

MadeForThis · 09/01/2024 19:53

What percentage does he pay? And who decides the budget?

If he paid for the whole thing I think you would have a valid complaint especially as the new partner now goes.

If he pays for the cost of one child then I don't think that's such a big deal.

PinkEasterbunny · 09/01/2024 19:53

I’m m a big on the fence here, he isn’t giving HER money so SHE can go on holiday, he is contributing to his children going on holiday. Something he would have done if they’d stayed together.

But they didn’t stay together, things changed. And if he already takes his children on holiday, he’s doing his bit, if the ex wants to take them on holiday too, surely she should pay?

GooglyPop17 · 09/01/2024 19:54

How much are we talking here?

To be fair you knew he had other children when you started a family with him so you can’t really complain he has less spending power because of them.

NoNotMyHair · 09/01/2024 19:55

I'm not clear - are you saying he pays only for the children to go with her or for her too?

Does she pay for the children when they go on holiday with you? I bet not!

If you take the children on holiday once a year then there is no need for him to pay for her/them to go again.

Milkandnosugarplease · 09/01/2024 19:55

His ex and new partner need to pay for their own holiday. He should only pay (if he wants too) towards kids holiday.

but given that you take the dsd on holiday with you anyway maybe it is time for a change

Upwiththelark76 · 09/01/2024 19:55

Put a stop to it. Cheeky as anything of you are taking the children on holiday. I Wouldn’t have that at all.

NoNotMyHair · 09/01/2024 19:56

GooglyPop17 · 09/01/2024 19:54

How much are we talking here?

To be fair you knew he had other children when you started a family with him so you can’t really complain he has less spending power because of them.

She is not objecting to him spending on the children but is to the ex!

coffeeaddict77 · 09/01/2024 19:57

If he is paying for his DC to go on holiday with him there is no way he should be paying for another holiday with her. She needs to pay with her own money.

lemondroper · 09/01/2024 20:00

Squiggles23 · 09/01/2024 19:44

You say she was on a lower wage. Have you considered that potentially she gave up a lot of work opportunities to have the children and in the early years? She needs to pay for a minimum 3 bed house etc. I don’t think paying 50:50 for the kids is necessarily that helpful if she earns less. You see that all the time on threads on here. I get that in theory it’s ‘fair’ because he also has the kids 50:50 but he earns more.

They are his children and I think it’s a decision between him and his ex. If he’s happy to pay for the holiday it’s not really your say. Maybe it’s different now she has a partner and less costs on her if he has moved in but maybe not. It was a nice gesture before and one he made.

Would you feel better if he was paying the equivalent money towards there housing costs whilst at their mums?

Yes to this. There's a lot more to consider. It's not always black and white. Perhaps she couldn't reach her full career potential because she looked after them when they were younger.

If it's putting you in hardship or you're really struggling then different story.

PinkEasterbunny · 09/01/2024 20:00

GooglyPop17 · 09/01/2024 19:54

How much are we talking here?

To be fair you knew he had other children when you started a family with him so you can’t really complain he has less spending power because of them.

But you CAN complain about the ridiculous arrangement the OP describes! It’s about time the ex paid for her own holidays!!!

Coconutter24 · 09/01/2024 20:01

Riseandshinee · 09/01/2024 19:27

I think it’s fair he contributes for his children to go on holiday

He does contribute to his kids holidays when he and OP take them on their family holiday. He shouldn’t have to pay for his ex to take them

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 09/01/2024 20:02

adriftinadenofvipers · 09/01/2024 19:50

The "random woman" is the mother of some of his children!!!

What a horrible thing to say!

However, I do agree, it is time for this arrangement to stop - you might as well expect her to contribute to the cost of your family holiday, which would be ridiculous.

As far as OPs kids are concerned, she is a random woman. Nothing to do with them. And yet her holidays are being allowed to negatively affect them.
If the DH was loaded and it made no difference to the family as a whole then it's a nice gesture. But he's not so he's unreasonable to carry on like this.

Mikimoto · 09/01/2024 20:03

Typical grabby ex-wife.

Tryingmybestadhd · 09/01/2024 20:05

If you truly have the SC 50% of the time and they go on holiday with you and hubby then yes that set up needs to stop .

Coconutter24 · 09/01/2024 20:05

Seems a strange set up. A holiday is not essential or a necessity so I don’t think your DH should be paying ex to take the kids away on holiday. They get a holiday with you so it’s not like they are having no holiday. If his ex wants a holiday she needs to fund that herself. Your DH (from what I’ve read) has 50/50 for everything and is contributing 50/50 so I’d tell him it needs to stop. If she has a new partner is your DH expected to pay for him/her?

WickDittington · 09/01/2024 20:07

So you’re going to force your partner to stop supporting his DC in affording them a normal family holiday? YABU