To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

If I dated someone who had kids I would expect them to always be being the priority.

@Squiggles23 even if it left your household/children disadvantaged in the process? Don’t forget the OP’s children are also his children, shouldn’t they expect parity?

Of course @PinkEasterbunny , because some of these posters are saints and living martyrs.

Back in the real world, children's wants shouldn't come before others needs, including adults' needs. otherwise we are teaching them selfishness and entitlement.

@Nanaof1 okaaaaaay. The stressful life you must lead…why so angry?

But the OPs kids are still going on holiday so they aren’t missing out are they @PinkEasterbunny . They’ve got two parents earning good incomes and a family unit.

Im not saying one set of kids is a priority over the other. I’m saying I would value a partner who puts his kids and previous family needs first.

Im not saying one set of kids is a priority over the other. I’m saying I would value a partner who puts his kids and previous family needs first.

@Squiggles23 you’re contradicting yourself in that paragraph, if the previous family gets prioritised then the second family is at a disadvantage, so you ARE saying that one set of kids get priority

The step children also go on holiday with their father and op, so they haven't been missing out either. The only person who will miss out under the new arrangement is the Ex wife who's had her holidays paid for by the op and her husband. Why should op and her dh continue to pay for ex wife's holidays?

@Takenoprisoner sorry you must not have read the posts. He doesn’t pay for the ex-wife to go on holiday, he pays for half the holidays costs as a contribution to his kids.

It’s up to her DH whether or not he pays they are his kids and if he can afford to pay more towards them that’s a good thing. They clearly aren’t badly off and OP has admitted it doesn’t affect there finances or ability to go on holiday.

Well done to you both.

He needs to stick to his guns now OP.

I'd honestly kick off if he tried to backtrack. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide how your joint money is spent!

You didn't read well then. She said that her DH pays half, or actually a bit more for his children, their clothing, trips, clubs etc., and he also pays for their phone.

Not sure where you dreamed up this other scenario, but I admit it would be amusing if it wasn't just so wrong and off-base.

Well, since it doesn't need to be for rent, your "question" is silly and unworthy of answer.

Too many bitter exes on here. FFS

Yes, I am passionate about being fair in a relationship. Manipulative people, like the ex, with her thousands of pounds that she expects for a vacation, is a user, a manipulator and a royal witch when she uses her children as a weapon. Using the children as a weapon should result in automatically giving full custody to the other parent, unless the reasons are such that it is a reasonable conclusion to do so (abuse, drugs, neglect).

And, if HER money is being used to finance the ex's huge thousands of pounds vacations, it becomes HER business. To think otherwise is just strange. People have no problem saying the exes new partner should not have to pay for his new GF's kids but think the OP should. That's hypocrisy.

If he is going to put his "previous family first", which includes the ex, he might as well have stayed together with her. But, there was something wrong with the relationship, and now they are not together, so she should not be anything to him, except the mother to two of his children. ALL of his children should be a priority and the ex should be zero priority at all, now that she has a house and an income almost as much as his, plus a new partner herself.
The exes entitlement and her using the children as weapons of manipulation need to be stopped, legally if needed. Anyone who uses children as a means of getting your own way by alienating them from the other parent, should lose custody of those children, as they aren't mentally stable enough to raise them.

Different situation entirely if there is abuse, neglect, drug or alcohol abuse from one parent, so please, all the posters who want to jump on that, it's not what is happening here.

You must have not read the posts because she doesn't say ANYWHERE that he only pays for half of the holiday. Not anywhere at all.

• THIS is what OP says:*The contribution DH makes ranges year to year and the "budget" appears to just be set by his ex telling him she's going here and she needs X much to make it happen. Even going so far one year as to book disneyland and then coming and asking for £££ from DH. He has no say seemingly in the amount or where she goes. It's not just a case of him paying half of DSCs plane tickets or giving them a bit of spends. He can sometimes be contributing into the thousands and we aren't rich by any means. No it doesn't leave us on the bread line but nor is it completely unmissed spare cash that we just have lying around!*

That makes it pretty dang clear that he pays a lot more than half and that the manipulative ex seems to be playing OP's DH as a fool and abusing what started out being a kind gesture. When a kind gesture turns to greed on the receiver's part, then it's time to stop.

If you seem to think that is the correct thing to do seven years after the relationship ended, I don't know what to tell you, but do get your FACTS straight instead of making up scenarios that fit your opinions.

@Nanaof1 why are you so angry about this? Surely this is literally nothing to you?

Yes as you quoted he ‘contributes’ - how is that paying for the ex-wives holiday cost?She clarified that it’s not just paying 50:50 on a plane ticket so it sounds like it’s more like paying a higher portion towards the kids costs?

I see no bad in a dad paying towards his kids going to Disney land so they can have that experience.

Just offer to take her kids when you go away instead.

They already do!

This, exactly.
From the mum/ resident parents side POV- its generous- my ex never gave me anything towards holidays abroad so we never went. He took them away on his own or with his new partner.
I think after 6 years it's done- there are free child places still, and if her new partner goes that's 2 free child places.

Yes, this is the last year , and I'll pick up a holiday break with them myself going forwards from 2025 is fair. Then the kids dont miss out.

It'll be easier now the children are older but obv your annual family holiday will be with all 3 children so not cheaper, but fair.

I think your DH should put in a claim himself for child maintenance even if his children live with the ex as it would mean he has control when to close the case. The reason for doing this is so that the ex cannot tell child maintenance lies about DH not paying to cause arrears etc.

I’m not saying that this was a sensible option to begin with, but I fail to see why it’s your business to interfere. The arrangement was put in place before you came on the scene. The fact that your partner takes his responsibilities and promises seriously should be a source of comfort to you tbh.

but I fail to see why it’s your business to interfere

Joint finances
OP takes the kids on holiday
Paying towards XW new partner
XW doesn’t pay towards DH and kids holidays

Did you read the thread?

I think he should continue to help the kids get off on holiday. Since thats the only feasible financial help he gives. The kids are not the b friends and therefore he shouldn't have the responsibility

Why does he have to give any help? He takes them on holidays and he has them half the time.

Yes, I read the thread. Still none of her business

Maybe the ex partner, the children's mother could take her turn in financially contribute to the OP's holiday. She gives him no other feasible financial help.

Why should he pay for his ex and her bf to go on holiday when he has the children half the time and already takes them on holiday himself? His ex is taking the piss.

@Nanaof1 seems a bit too involved in this. Are you the parent of the OP by any chance?