To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

This.

And also, how much is it going to cost you to break the agreement in terms of peace? Having a difficult scorned ex is far more costly in the long run, not in terms of legal fees and agreements but in terms of harmony, peace of mind and above, the relationship between your other half and his children and also how will it affect yours as the battle commences. Don’t destabilise the balance you have at this time.

I am rarely in favour of the new partner's opinion on costs of pre-existing kids but in this case I think your stance is very reasonable.

Jeez- I've never read such a load of bs from a load of posters on here!

If this were going to go to court it would be thrown out and the judge would laugh.

Your partner has the kids 50:50 so there is no expectation of any further contribution to be paid for holidays that the kids go on with their mum. That is down to her to fund.

And yes, it is the op's business given that they have joint finances.

How much is this contribution?

Are we talking half of a families trip to florida each year, or a few hundred pounds?
I think that would impact a lot of people's opinions.

Of course he should stop
bet no one here would expect his ex to contribute so HE can take THEIR children on holiday ! Ludicrous

The replies on this thread is absolutely mental.

Agreements made on divorce or separation need to be regularly reviewed by parents to accommodate changing circumstances including ages of children. Some women like to hold onto the original as it gives them a feeling of power I guess. The day my H and I moved into our new house his ex wife sent over on the day a load of boxes of old photos, letters between them etc.

While the conversation will be between DH and ex wife, OP is also impacted and has the right to push her DH to stop making the payments. Infact Ex wife has literally no say in this, OP and DH are the ones who decide to continue or not.

This is based on the fact that DH has thr kids 50:50 and takes them on holiday and provides for them. He doesn't need to pay for his ex wife and her new husband to take them on another holiday.

How much money? 10k? 1k? £100?
how much is the disparity in wealth and income between them? It’s not necessarily the case that there’s no claim from the ex if they have 50:50 contact, I there’s a big disparity she may be able to plain maintenance/ spousal maintenance particularly if her earnings were diminished due to childcare etc

Isn’t the premise of any divorce settlement with children that the children shouldn’t experience significant standard of living differences between their parents? Why ex wives of Hollywood stars need 20k per month etc, they obviously don’t need that much to feed the children and keep a roof over their head but the children aren’t supposed to feel they don’t have a rich parent and a poor parent.

Probably not massively relevant here.

But if dad knew the children would never get a holiday with their mum unless he helped fund it that was a kind thing to do. Not unreasonable to want review the situation 7 years on the though when new partner and more children are now part of the mix.

I think he should keep paying personally.

What on earth for!?!? They have 50/50 custody. How about she pays for OP's DH to go away with the kids?!

Are you saying he pays for a £4k holiday for ex wife, partner and 2 kids or does he pay £2k out of a £4k holiday for the kids?

Does he pay £500 towards a £4k holiday?

Really need some context here!

Of course he should stop paying. Far far too generous.

No it isn't, OP is married to her DH and so it's her money too!

OK, so if he pays 50:50, I'm not sure I see a need to keep paying unless that 50:50 also includes 50% towards the childrens cost when they go on holiday. I can't imagine it is a large amount and is more likely just a part of the 50:50 arrangement. It's just that you don't like what it is being used for right?

I'm also wondering what his income is v the mothers because that also plays a part

I am absolutely of the belief that men have the right to go on and have a second family but that it should NEVER be to the detriment of the first children. It is up to him to ensure that is the case but they never seem to. Written down, it seems one way but is it really?

This.

Also, does he genuinely do 50% of the child-raising, including all the mental load stuff, taking time off when they are ill? I've rarely met a dad who does, separated or not.

Sod that, I can't imagine asking my ex to pay towards my holiday with the dc, especially after all these years! She's a massive cf

It is nothing to do with you

If there is a big difference in income it’s possible that he owes his ex child maintenance even though they do 50/50.

i just put some made up numbers through the cms calculator and if there are two kids, he makes £80k/year and the have kids 50/50 he should pay the mother £363/month in child maintenance for example.

so it might not be that crazy that he gives her some extra money.

Yes it's daft. Who cares if she kicks off? Tell him you'll kick off if it carries on.

You appear to have confused the ex with an ex wife who would indeed have it reflected in a divorce settlement.

She has a new partner. He can fund her holiday if he wants to go.

Your DP does not need to continue this arrangement especially as you have repeatedly told posters the children come away on holiday eith you toom

New Year, new rules - time to let her know now so she can save up if she wants to.

It was a kind thing to do but the minute she started bringing her BF on holiday she should have had the grace to thank him and end the arrangement. Plus he now has more commitments and can’t spare the money.

Your point of view:

Why should we keep forking out for DH ex Wife and her new beau to swan off on their jollies when it's impacting our lives and the joint children we have together. The step-kids aren't missing out, we take them on holiday each year and DH pays for half of everything they need and has them 50/50. Circumstances ces have changed now and any spare cash is needed by us instead of being a handout to Ex wife.

DH point of view:

I'm torn two ways here, I want all of my kids to be treated equally. I can't always be there for the eldest and it'll be good bonding time for them to get away with their mom. I need to keep on good terms with her, we're forever connected through the kids and its not worth fucking that up... on the other hand, things are tough at home. DW feels put out about the situation and understandably so, money is tighter now and it would help us to keep that money now. She feels this is unfair on our own DC and that this arrangement is putting them out.

Ex Wife Pov:

Ex husbands new wife wants to stop the money that helps me take our joint DC on the only holiday I can afford to take them on. I do have a new partner now, but he doesn't want to/ can't contribute towards my DC's holiday and neither should he. They're not his responsibility. Ex H earns more than me, though, he does provide 50/50 for what the kids need and we have a good co-parenting situation going on.

Where I live whoever makes more has to pay maintenance to the other, even if custody is 50/50. So I guess he seems fortunate to me.

It's not really. It affects her finances as well.