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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

505 replies

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:16

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

OP posts:
EmilyTjP · 09/01/2024 20:07

I bet her and her new boyfriend are laughing their socks off getting a free holiday at his expense each year!

YANBU !

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 09/01/2024 20:07

Yes stop payments as long as you dh is providing a family holiday of his own, the ex can fund her own “family” holiday . Id stop now she has had years of warning.

orangegato · 09/01/2024 20:09

So some other bloke is benefitting from a holiday half funded by your DH. I take it this fella ain’t contributing towards yours looool. What a bat shit set up.

Ejismyf · 09/01/2024 20:09

Its the beginning of the year I'd be telling her now it's not happening anymore it's a total pisstake.

Ponderingwindow · 09/01/2024 20:09

He had preexisting financial commitments when he chose to have an additional child. He obviously decided that his finances were adequate.

to be honest, I’m skeptical that he is really covering half of all costs and covered half of costs historically. It’s the rare father who pays his full share of the child care bill or all the little incidentals, even with a 50:50 split. Especially since 50:50 doesn’t always mean an equal split of school days and mothers tend to end up taking more of that burden.

Perhaps your spouse is the rare man actually pulling his weight and doing half the school drop-offs and pickups. Perhaps he pays for half of after school and holiday clubs and has done so throughout the children’s lives. If so, maybe a conversation about changing the status quo would be legitimate, but he would be quite the rare divorced father.

JudgeJ · 09/01/2024 20:10

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:21

Sorry yes we do take all DC away every year.

If they are 50/50 and he contributes to her holiday expenses, does she contribute to his holiday expenses when he takes their children? Not holding my breath!

Ghentsummer · 09/01/2024 20:10

Mikimoto · 09/01/2024 20:03

Typical grabby ex-wife.

It could be typical grabby new wife. Wants her husband's money all to herself even if that means her step kids don't get a holiday with their mum.

It's impossible to answer when the OP hasn't explained what the "contribution " is. But it certainly doesn't sound like he is paying for the whole thing so his ex and her new partner won't be getting the free holiday some posters are frothing about.

We also don't know the sacrifices the mum may have made to raise their family which means she is now a lower earner than her ex. Perhaps she had multiple mat leaves and then worked part time because their dad refused to alter his hours to do school runs? We don't know so it's disappointing so many posters are jumping at the chance to slate the woman.

Dotchange · 09/01/2024 20:11

Hmmm

I was on the fence but changed my mind.

You take them on holiday when you go- that is fair.

I was on a low income, and we rarely had ‘proper’ holidays. It would be a few days camping or similar. My ex went on fantastic holidays every year with his new wife. I really don’t begrudge them, but they never took the kids. This means my kids only had a few days camping every year while their dad was away, sending them pictures of him doing amazing things.

That doesn’t seem to be the case with you- so I think your husband should stop. However, to ease the blow he may want to buy them holiday clothes or give them spending money or similar.

mrsm43s · 09/01/2024 20:12

I don't think this is straightforward.

If he only paying towards the cost of the children, and the children are benefiting and gaining extra experiences from going on holiday to different places with their mum, then honestly, it doesn't seem unreasonable.

Plus as a PP mentioned, if there's a discrepancy in incomes between the households (particularly if it's because the ex paused her career due to child bearing/child rearing) then actually 50/50 on costs isn't necessarily very fair. Generally split proportionally to income is far fairer, and closer to not disadvantaging the children because their parents have separated.

Obviously, if paying for this holiday means that you are unable to pay for essentials for all of the children, then it shouldn't be a priority. But if it affordable without going without essentials, then I think it's a decent and reasonable thing to do.

StoppitRightNow · 09/01/2024 20:13

WickDittington · 09/01/2024 20:07

So you’re going to force your partner to stop supporting his DC in affording them a normal family holiday? YABU

No. She asking her partner to stop being a mug and paying for his ex to take their children on holiday when the kids get a holiday with OP and their dad. If you think that’s reasonable you are grabby AF.

JudgeJ · 09/01/2024 20:13

Riseandshinee · 09/01/2024 19:27

I think it’s fair he contributes for his children to go on holiday

Then the mother should also contribute towards her children going on holiday with the OP and their father.

AnneValentine · 09/01/2024 20:13

Prepare for a child maintenance request if you do push it.

StoppitRightNow · 09/01/2024 20:15

Ponderingwindow · 09/01/2024 20:09

He had preexisting financial commitments when he chose to have an additional child. He obviously decided that his finances were adequate.

to be honest, I’m skeptical that he is really covering half of all costs and covered half of costs historically. It’s the rare father who pays his full share of the child care bill or all the little incidentals, even with a 50:50 split. Especially since 50:50 doesn’t always mean an equal split of school days and mothers tend to end up taking more of that burden.

Perhaps your spouse is the rare man actually pulling his weight and doing half the school drop-offs and pickups. Perhaps he pays for half of after school and holiday clubs and has done so throughout the children’s lives. If so, maybe a conversation about changing the status quo would be legitimate, but he would be quite the rare divorced father.

So you’re “skeptical” based on absolutely no knowledge of OP’s situation which means you’re just making shit up to suit your narrative. Cool.

PrincessScarlett · 09/01/2024 20:16

How much does DH contribute? Doesn't sound like he pays the whole lot if you are saying he contributes. If ex and new partner are paying for themselves I don't see the problem with him paying for his own kids.

StoppitRightNow · 09/01/2024 20:19

PrincessScarlett · 09/01/2024 20:16

How much does DH contribute? Doesn't sound like he pays the whole lot if you are saying he contributes. If ex and new partner are paying for themselves I don't see the problem with him paying for his own kids.

Why can’t the mum pay for her own children?

Isthisit22 · 09/01/2024 20:21

EmilyTjP · 09/01/2024 20:07

I bet her and her new boyfriend are laughing their socks off getting a free holiday at his expense each year!

YANBU !

This.
Some of the answers on here are crazy, suggesting your husband should pay for his children to go away with their mother is ridiculous. If the mother earned more, would people be suggesting she funded the father’s holiday with the kids?
Ridiculous- put a stop to it.

daisychain01 · 09/01/2024 20:21

How much money are you talking about here?

How much does your DH earn pa and what % of your DHs income does the payment represent?

If he's earning £60K + and he has to contribute £1000 (net) towards an annual holiday for his children, that's a different proposition to him earning £35K and having to contribute £2000 for example.

There won't be many more years when he can do that before they are grown and doing their own thing (but they will always be his kids so you'll have to face the fact he may always want to give them money towards their holidays)

Loloj · 09/01/2024 20:24

If he pays for 50% of the costs for everything for the children and they live with him 50% of the time, I’m not sure why he should also be funding the holidays with their mum.

However, if the holiday payment is part of their maintenance agreement then it is different. It depends on his earnings - if for example what he pays for the children now doesn’t reach the maintenance calculation based on his earnings then maybe he should be making the “holiday payment” - which could alternatively be labelled as maintenance money.

Westsussex · 09/01/2024 20:26

I really don't think he should be paying for his ex to take his kids on holiday. And the cheek of her basically bullying him into it after he said he didn't want to anymore after all those years. I'd have found it very strange if my dad had been paying for me and my mum to go away after they divorced. He needs to grow a backbone and not be bullied by her, unfortunately. Xx

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 09/01/2024 20:27

I’m not entirely convinced by the OP. It sounds like he is contributing towards the cost of his children going on holiday with their mother.

Of course he doesn’t have to, but it demonstrates a kindness which is probably part of the reason OP fell for him and thought he would make a good partner and parent for her DC.

He is the man he is OP. I think you will paint yourself as the wicked controlling second wife if you push this.

If he really didn’t want to pay for his children to holiday with their mum, he wouldn’t be doing it.

Butterandtoast · 09/01/2024 20:30

How much roughly is he giving her?

theleafandnotthetree · 09/01/2024 20:32

An absolutely ridiculous situation. My ex husband and I do 50/50 (in time as well as costs), he earns well over double what I do and he would laugh in my face if I so much as suggested him paying for an ice cream on a holiday I was bringing the children on. He's afraid of flying so has never and will never bring them abroad since we separated- though they have had nice high end holidays at home - but still he has never contributed a bean towards the trips I have made with them. I saved for years to bring them on a kind of a holiday of a lifetime to New York a few years ago and I thought he would volunteer to pay for SOMETHING - like for them to go up the Empire State or the like. But nope, nothing. He gave them dollars to go shopping for clothes but at that, didn't even suggest they buy me a soda with it. It is infuriating. But probably more normal than your scenario OP!

BirthdayRainbow · 09/01/2024 20:37

Does he just pay for the kids or does he buy his exes ticket and her new partners too ?

MumblesParty · 09/01/2024 20:38

OP you did this the wrong way round, hence getting some people saying your husband should keep paying.

You should have posted this “I’m a dad with 2 kids, split with my wife a few years ago and she’s with a new man and got a new child with him. Me and my ex share our kids 50-50 and pay equal amounts for clothes, school stuff etc. My ex earns more than me so as well as taking the kids on holiday with her new man, she also pays for me to take the kids on holiday too. It’s great, makes life much easier for me. I’ve got a new partner myself now so money isn’t tight like it used to be, and now my ex is saying I should pay for my own holidays. WTF!!! I think she should keep paying, otherwise I can’t go on such nice holidays with the kids. Why should I pay to take my own kids on holiday when I can get her to pay instead?”

If you’d posted that, you’d have had very different replies!

Snowdogsmitten · 09/01/2024 20:38

Simply cannot understand the posters who think he should keep on paying for this madness 😂 they’re either bonkers, bitter exes or being cheeky little monkeys on the wind up…