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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

505 replies

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:16

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 09/01/2024 19:29

No. I don't see any reason why you and your partner should continue to pay for his children, the ex and partner to go on holiday. Is it guilt that he's feeling that makes him want to continue to do this?

Original poster
yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:29

Alicesmagicmushroom · 09/01/2024 19:26

This is between your DH and the mother of his children I’m afraid.

Even when it affects what we can do as a family ourselves (limits where we can go etc) and when we share a child who will be impacted by their dad's finances being stretched for something unnecessary like this. We have joint finances, it's all in one pot so I'm not sure I really agree it's nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 09/01/2024 19:29

No its ridiculous. If she wants a holiday, she can pay. Bit this is on your husband. If he doesn't want to pay it then he needs to stop agreeing.

Is he actually paying for the four of them to go away or does he just contribute a small percentage? Does he have the same budget every year or does she get to pick what she wants?

Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:29

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:24

Why should he pay for his ex to take them on holiday, and then pay again when HE takes them on holiday?

Show quote history

I think because he has always done so.

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2024 19:31

Even when it affects what we can do as a family ourselves (limits where we can go etc) and when we share a child who will be impacted by their dad's finances being stretched for something unnecessary like this. We have joint finances, it's all in one pot so I'm not sure I really agree it's nothing to do with me

But your husband chooses to hand over the money every year. Your problem is with him.

Kwam31 · 09/01/2024 19:31

Custody is 50/50, so no maintenance, why is he paying at all??
She's taking him for a mug.

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:31

Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:29

I think because he has always done so.

Show quote history

That is really not a good reason. As I suggested above, he tells her that it will continue for this year, but from 2025 she needs to make her own financial arrangements for her holidays with the children.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 09/01/2024 19:32

I think it would be fine to say that he isn’t able to send money for his exW to take the dcs away but he will take all his dcs (your joint and step dcs) away together. Tell her now before holidays are booked. The children go away with you and their half siblings. If she wants to have a second holiday with the dcs, that’s fine but she and her new DP pay for it together.

Cazziebo · 09/01/2024 19:33

He's not paying for the X, XP and DCs- he's "contributing towards" the holiday according to the OP. My XH contributed to our holidays - bought the Disney tickets, paid an airfare for one of two DCs, etc. He could afford it so he did it. His DW wasn't a miserable tightarse (and quite often bought the DCs' holiday clothes for going away).

Stephy1024 · 09/01/2024 19:33

It's funny how people think just because he's been generous so far that he should continue to do so. Even though his circumstances have changed. If the ex complains that he doesn't pay for/towards her holidays then tell her you expect her to start paying towards yours too. Its only fair after all.

StoppitRightNow · 09/01/2024 19:34

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2024 19:31

Even when it affects what we can do as a family ourselves (limits where we can go etc) and when we share a child who will be impacted by their dad's finances being stretched for something unnecessary like this. We have joint finances, it's all in one pot so I'm not sure I really agree it's nothing to do with me

But your husband chooses to hand over the money every year. Your problem is with him.

Yes, which is what the OP is asking. She hasn’t said anything about the ex. She is literally asking if it’s reasonable her DH pays.

Maray1967 · 09/01/2024 19:34

The only way I think this might be fair is if it was the case that her earning potential was damaged by how they arranged childcare when they were together and if she is earning less than she might have been able to because her career is on a slower path. If that’s the case she might have a point.

If not, then I don’t see why this needs to go on - after he’s given fair warning.

StoppitRightNow · 09/01/2024 19:34

Of course he shouldn’t be paying. Separated parents don’t pay for each other to go away, specially as you and your DH take all the kids on holiday.

Riseandshinee · 09/01/2024 19:35

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:27

DSC haven't gone without they go on holiday with us every year, every holiday we've ever taken they've come on as they should.

Because of his contribution the mother of his children can afford to be with them on their own family holiday.
that is his children’s mother and it will benefit them to have their mother with them on their own holiday.
And you said contribute not pay the full cost of
you don’t care about the children you just want to save a few he can clearly afford it

peebles32 · 09/01/2024 19:36

The children go on holiday with you! If their mother can't take them then that's for her to work out. The children are getting a holiday.

StoppitRightNow · 09/01/2024 19:37

Riseandshinee · 09/01/2024 19:35

Because of his contribution the mother of his children can afford to be with them on their own family holiday.
that is his children’s mother and it will benefit them to have their mother with them on their own holiday.
And you said contribute not pay the full cost of
you don’t care about the children you just want to save a few he can clearly afford it

Show quote history

That’s ridiculous logic. The mum will have to find a cheaper holiday. Her ex shouldn’t find her holidays ESPECIALLY is her new bf is now going too. Bonkers.

Namerequired · 09/01/2024 19:39

I wouldn’t be continuing another minute never mind year. What’s the worst than can happen? The dsc get one holiday this year instead of 2? Oh the hardship. My children manage never getting abroad.
It’s a strange set up op and while generous it’s unnecessary. If she couldn’t afford uniforms, essentials, or even some treats for them then he should definitely step in, but a second holiday is beyond.

Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:40

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:31

That is really not a good reason. As I suggested above, he tells her that it will continue for this year, but from 2025 she needs to make her own financial arrangements for her holidays with the children.

Show quote history

OP knew he had kids when she started seeing him and that he paid for stuff for them.

I think when you have kids to a man who already has kids (and is doing the right thing by them) you have to understand that there's gonna be less money sloshing around for you and any kids you decide to have with him.

Bournetilly · 09/01/2024 19:41

YANBU he contributes 50% and they have a holiday with you. If she can’t afford to take them then they can’t go, they will still get a holiday and there’s plenty of families who only have 1 holiday a year.

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 19:42

Dacadactyl · 09/01/2024 19:40

OP knew he had kids when she started seeing him and that he paid for stuff for them.

I think when you have kids to a man who already has kids (and is doing the right thing by them) you have to understand that there's gonna be less money sloshing around for you and any kids you decide to have with him.

Show quote history

In the same way the ex had no partner and now she does. Things change. Life goes on. It is not reasonable to expect the father to pay for his ex and her partner to go on holiday with his kids, when he already pays for his kids to go on holiday with him! How many holidays do the kids need? Some children never get to go on ONE holiday - let alone several. If she wants to take them away, then she needs to cover the costs. But as I said, give her a year's notice of the decision.

pinkyredrose · 09/01/2024 19:42

What a ridiculous setup. How much is he sending her? Def time to stop, if she wants more money she should earn it.

Notimeforaname · 09/01/2024 19:42

Yes, which is what the OP is asking. She hasn’t said anything about the ex. She is literally asking if it’s reasonable her DH pays.

Yes I understand that but there is nothing she can actually do. Op cant force him not to pay. Its reasonable.. if he wants to pay and it appears that he does, because he's still doing it.

I think he might just be telling op he wants to stop paying because she is annoyed by it. He is making no actual plans to stop.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 09/01/2024 19:43

His DW wasn't a miserable tightarse
Well bully for her.
OP has DC being negatively affected by some random woman being handed money out of their household to treat herself to a holiday. I'd argue that it's the ex here that's a "miserable tight arse" if she won't pay her own way.

Riseandshinee · 09/01/2024 19:44

It’s not about how many holidays the children are getting it’s about the children getting a holiday with their mother and if the fathers contribution allows for that then he should be paying because that’s what’s best for the kids

Squiggles23 · 09/01/2024 19:44

You say she was on a lower wage. Have you considered that potentially she gave up a lot of work opportunities to have the children and in the early years? She needs to pay for a minimum 3 bed house etc. I don’t think paying 50:50 for the kids is necessarily that helpful if she earns less. You see that all the time on threads on here. I get that in theory it’s ‘fair’ because he also has the kids 50:50 but he earns more.

They are his children and I think it’s a decision between him and his ex. If he’s happy to pay for the holiday it’s not really your say. Maybe it’s different now she has a partner and less costs on her if he has moved in but maybe not. It was a nice gesture before and one he made.

Would you feel better if he was paying the equivalent money towards there housing costs whilst at their mums?