DH moaning that I go to bed early

[ItsDee]

So I usually go to bed at around 8pm most nights as I am just so exhausted with work and the children, I work 3 days per week and children are 6 and 3. I never know when my husband is coming home from work as it varies from 18:00-8, he leaves in the morning before nursery/school drop offs etc so the morning falls on me too. He keeps moaning that he just sits downstairs by himself most nights but I really cant help it I am exhausted, anybody else feel this way?

Do you actually fall straight asleep when you go to bed? 8 pm is very early in my view too, when it’s so regular. It’s also a shame as you get no couple time. Due to his sports/work and your exhaustion. I think see a doc and have some tests run.

Jesus Christ people - stop gaslighting the OP into thinking she’s not normal for going to bed at 8pm!

OP, I’d only make a GP appointment if you are absolutely exhausted and have little energy throughout the day.

Ok, but she goes to bed at 8, which is very different.

Why are you lashing out then advising what everyone else is, saying see a doctor?

No wonder you're tired!

When does he parent? When does he do any domestic duties?

I had this and went to the GP as I was falling asleep by 9pm which seemed early and the exhaustion I was feeling was not normal, even with having young children.

Turns out my vitamin D and iron levels were ridiculously low. Go and see a doctor, OP. 8pm is not a normal bedtime and I saw that as a working parent of two young children, one of whom is often up in the night.

I'm often dead on my feet by about 7pm, asleep after the kids go to bed at 8pm.

Not every night but at least twice a week.

I don't think it's weird.

Nobody's gaslighting her - it is very unusual for a healthy adult to need to go sleep at 8pm every night.

Maybe he could give up a little of his sport at the weekend?

I am like this too. I'm always exhausted. Bloods revealed low vitamin d last time. I hate blood tests though. They make me faint so I can't be bothered with going back for more bloods. Getting a docs appointment these days is a pain in the arse too.

And has anyone picked up that the OP also doesn't get ANY time to herself?

Is it massively different if as well as working a full day she's done all the childcare and house work? Part time work can also be demanding roles. Mine is, I just do it in 3 days instead of 5.

I only have one child and I don't have time/energy to relax in bed reading after work days

But she said she goes to bed at 8pm every day because she is exhausted. She used that very word, exhausted. And no it is not normal for a 33 year old who works part time and has two smallish children but definitely not babies.

It sounds like a good chat with the husband is required, in terms of ensuring the responsibilities are split fairly and it sounds like he could do some easy things like letting her know when he is on his way home. Assuming they like each other, surely they need to discuss this and make a bit of time for each other. If my husband was in bed every time I was in the house, I'd be wondering why I was married frankly.

Getting a check up is always a good idea when something like this comes up.

HOWEVER, people really are all different. I know some people who get by and seem perfectly satisfied with six to seven hours sleep a night, but I also know people who have always been early to bed. Someone in my family is always off to bed by about 20:30, and drifts off if she forces herself to stay up later! No underlying physical health issues, although she has anxiety problems which may add to her tiredness.

It does sound like all is not well relationship wise regardless. Him taking his own free time to play/watch sports then chiding you for not spending your free time with him is hypocritical and entitled.

No, Literally everything falls on me, cooking cleaning, school/nursery, most weekends. If I am honest its the mental side of it, I like relaxing and thinking about nothing and I do that when I am lay down in bed, I am not necessarily asleep I just lie there in peace.

Maybe she's exhaused because she's doing most (all?) of it on her own and has no time to herself?

Honestly, it could just be tiredness from life with kids and work
or it could be something else. Under active thyroid after having children is not uncommon. I have it and there were a few weeks I couldn’t keep my eyes open until I started treatment.

also: your husband doesn’t sound very nice ! For which I am sorry. I have also done 95% of nighttime wakes with my son, but that’s not quite the same as ALL of them

Have you told him that he should be pulling his weight

I agree with others that I'd see the GP. I'm assuming you don't get up until 6am earliest, so 10pm bedtime would be fine. Slippery slope if you never have any evenings with your DH.

Based on the responses so far, its not as unusual as you'd think.

People need differe to amounts of sleep and have different demands on them throughout the day that use different levels of energy. It's not madness to come to the conclusion that people need to go to bed at different times.

Being so exhausted you need to go to bed at 8pm isn't normal though. Even with kids and a full time job.

The OP probably has some kind of common deficiency that is wiping her out.

However additionally, her DH isn't pulling his weight and the OP isn't getting enough time to herself.

I think this is a husband problem not a sleep problem.

If I am honest its the mental side of it, I like relaxing and thinking about nothing and I do that when I am lay down in bed, I am not necessarily asleep I just lie there in peace.

That's a big difference. You are choosing to relax and have your down time in your bed. I have my down time on the sofa. Not at 8pm mind.

Are you going to bed to subconsciously get away from him and get some of your own space?

Is it that you can’t relax around him?

Is it that you’re subconsciously punishing him for leaving everything to you?

Ah ok that’s different, so it’s not you’re exhausted and need to go to sleep, you just like laying there? That’s not something to see a doc about.

seems you have marital problems. Quite signifsnt ones, as you’re choosing to lie in bed awake and avoid your husband. I think I’d sit down and talk. You clearly are understandably deeply resentful he doesn’t do more. But going to bed to avoid him isn’t the answer. Talking is. And if it doesn’t resolve, then end it.