DH moaning that I go to bed early

[ItsDee]

So I usually go to bed at around 8pm most nights as I am just so exhausted with work and the children, I work 3 days per week and children are 6 and 3. I never know when my husband is coming home from work as it varies from 18:00-8, he leaves in the morning before nursery/school drop offs etc so the morning falls on me too. He keeps moaning that he just sits downstairs by himself most nights but I really cant help it I am exhausted, anybody else feel this way?

No wonder you're exhausted. does he ever have the kids alone so you can relax? No work, no housework, no kids, just you doing whatever you enjoy, whether that's a walk or a nap?

1. See a doctor, it sounds like you're anaemic.
2. Your husband is taking the piss. He should be doing a lot more to look after his own children.

You have two issues here OP- 8pm every night is very early, as others have said. Also, your husband is useless.

Either way, it's no way to live. Get to the GP, and have a serious chat with your husband about him pulling his weight- he's as much a parent as you are.

As your kids get older they will have later bedtimes, do you intend to go to sleep at 8pm every night for the rest of your life?

No, Im not even convinced this is the case he just makes me feel like it is. I have literally done everything for the kids since they were born, he never got up in the night once as apparently he cant wake up, I have pulled him up on the sports twice a week and he just says the kids are in bed anyway so it makes no difference, occasionally I will stay up and watch a series on my own and he goes to sleep. I am sick of him making me feel guilty for things.

Get your bloods checked by all means but keep getting plenty of sleep. Not sure you should be making all the compromises whilst your DH makes none.

Please please ignore everyone telling you to stay up late when you are tired! I go up to bed at half 8 most nights, one kid and I work 3 days a week. We are all different.

Women need more sleep than men, and you're constantly on the go with the children and doing your life admin.

Of course I think you should still speak to a GP because in the UK we're especially deficient in some vitamins and minerals in winter, and it's worth checking other things like sleep apnea and mental health. It doesn't hurt to get checked out just incase.

But if all he has to do is get up go to work and come home and you're doing EVERYTHING ELSE then I would be exhausted all the time too in your shoes and I would prioritise sleep over anything else. Good sleep helps you make good neurotransmitters and benefits your mental and physical health.

I would take the coil out though, copper coils are notorious for heavy bleeding.

I was going to ask what time @ItsDee got up because it does make a difference.

Our alarms go off at 5.10am because we both stsrt at 8am and there's the dog to walk and DC to get ready and to nursery etc. So by 8pm we're wiped out, usually sound asleep by 9.30.

But it is both of us so neither of us feels abandoned.

All that's on her plate? Two kids who although still young, are certainly not babies, and a part time job? Yes, the husband sounds useless and I think she has serious issues in her marriage that should be addressed, but that's a separate issue. 8pm is really early for an adult, unless they have health problems or need to get up at 3 or 4am.

I think going to bed very early can become a habit. I worked full time, and with 5 children, didn’t usually get finished (cooking/clearing up/ironing/helping with homework etc.) until 9.30 or 10.00. However, I usually managed an unbroken sleep before getting up at 6.30 am.
I don’t think it’s usual to be so exhausted by a part time job and 2 children that such an early night is required all the time.

I don't think it's normal to need to go to bed at 8pm every night. Are you sure you're not subconsciously doing it on purpose to avoid your DH?

I love that people are making this your fault!

Aside from any underlying health concerns (which is always worth considering)if you want to go to bed at 8 then do! You have young children and you work. As an adult you decide when you go to bed. If he doesn’t like it he could drop one of his night groups to see you.

Don’t wait up.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

Yeah it's a 5.30 start for us on a work day as I have to be at work for 8am, and we leave the house at 7am. With partner away mid week, even with only one small child, it's exhausting. Hence my regular 8pm bedtime. But partner is away anyway so it's not as if I'm leaving him alone downstairs.

Your DH sounds shit with all his sports and socialising and never getting up in the night. To do nothing at home, and then complain about you going to bed early is pretty outrageous, does he not even see there might be a connection?

However, even with you doing everything, you sound surprisingly exhausted and it would be worth checking with the GP for any health issues. Iron deficiency sounds likely given your periods. But thyroid, Vit D, hormones if you are 40+ are all worth checking

I’m often in bed by 8.

I have a thyroid problem, a bonkers job and a non-sleeping toddler. Probably borderline anaemic too.

Most importantly, I’m up at 5 and my sleep quality is appalling.

Some people can have five solid deep hours and have had much better restful sleep than me, but they get to feel like smug fuckers about it.

I haven't even had dinner by 8! You are all missing out on 30% of your lives!

If I was starting my day at 5am and going to bed every evening at 10pm, I'd be totally wiped out by the weekend. I'd need more sleep than that and at least 2-3 evenings of an 8pm bedtime to catch up.

We're all different.

This happened to me and it turned out my iron was on the floor. Maybe get a full blood count?

Do you stay up when he is out at his sports? Are his sports in the evenings when you and the kids are all in bed?

It sounds like there are more underlying issues than the one you have raised. Are you actually sleeping from 8pm or are you in bed awake? If you have a smart watch maybe start wearing it at night to monitor your sleep patterns.

I am up at 6 am, leave the house at 7 am, get back at 7 pm.

I have a very demanding full time job.

I usually head up to bed at 830 and read for a bit before lights out at 930.

My health is excellent, I just value my sleep.

Your dh sounds a bit spoilt , 2 nights out and every other weekend with his mates while you do 100% of the home and kids. Why can't he bring home a takeout for you both to enjoy, maybe you've got into a bit of a rut going to bed early, does he ever treat you or the kids.

There's a big difference between going to bed at 9:30 and going at 8:00 like the OP does though.

People need different levels of sleep. Anything between six and ten hours is within the normal range.

People who need seven to eight hours sleep do like to make you feel like a freak if you need 9 to ten hours sleep, as if they cannot possibly understand that humans are not factory line produced and that there is variation between us.

Used to be like that in the newborn days but with toddler/small kids was usually around 9.30pm

I go to sleep at 8pm most nights, often falling asleep on the sofa because I'm just too tired to stay awake. I have anaemia, heavy periods, low vit D, and am on heavy sedatives. I'm seeing the doctor about all of this, and with your level of tiredness, it might be worth getting a check up.

However, I've just asked DH, who happens to be off today, whether he resents me falling asleep so early. His answer, "God no! I just feel sad for you."

It is reasonable to point out that he stays out until after your bedtime. That isn't your fault.