DH moaning that I go to bed early

[ItsDee]

So I usually go to bed at around 8pm most nights as I am just so exhausted with work and the children, I work 3 days per week and children are 6 and 3. I never know when my husband is coming home from work as it varies from 18:00-8, he leaves in the morning before nursery/school drop offs etc so the morning falls on me too. He keeps moaning that he just sits downstairs by himself most nights but I really cant help it I am exhausted, anybody else feel this way?

I think the fact that he never lets me know when he is on the way home it just adds to the stress of not knowing when I am going to get help from him.

I will seek help from GP I will make an appointment.

Bluntly- that's just too early. You therefore don't really see your husband at all in the week and UABU , it's unfair on him. I would check with your GP 1st to see if there is a medical reason for your tiredness - heavy periods = possible anaemia. If not, could you take a power nap in the day on the two days you don't work (if 3 Yr old naps, 6 Yr old at school). If not medical reason, you may need to power through till 10 pm , at least a few days a week.

Do you get a lie in at the weekend?

Me too OP! You're not alone though, I'm with you. This is a regular bedtime for me 🤷‍♀️

I have a 2yo and pregnant with my second and regularly go to bed by 8.30pm, asleep 9.30pm. My 2yo can wake regularly in the night and is often up early. My husband now often also comes to bed at 8.30 although he reads/watches something on his ipad before sleep.

What does your night look like? If you are feeling exhausted/run down, speak to a doctor but I don't think its that abnormal with young children.

Personally it baffles me that anyone with young kids would stay up to 10-11pm out of choice, but each to their own!

No my husband goes to sport 2 nights per week and then either watches or plays every other weekend as he has various season tickets, he is out a lot at various work/friend nights out at the weekend so it is hard to get time to myself.

So some days you're in bed before he gets in from work? That sounds miserable for both of you.

I thought that was just a downfall of the career he chose as due to that everything falls on me?

Whilst I’m exhausted by 8pm, I kind of plough on through until about 11pm, otherwise me and my DH would never sit down together, watch a TV show or just relax. My children are the same age.

8pm-11pm is my time after all the madness. That’s when I get to chill out, text friends back, watch telly, scroll through phone etc. I sometimes feel I should head up to bed, but I then feel I have no me time whatsoever.

Your DH should stop moaning and start being concerned about why his wife is so tired.

I would absolutely hate to have no time to spend with my husband on an evening. I’m currently 6 months pregnant so I am more tired than usual but I’d still rather stay up even an extra hour so that we can have a chat, catch up, cuddle before we go to bed

When mine were around that age I used to go to bed that time too. I was exhausted and getting good sleep meant I could keep up with everything the following day. When you're 3 year old is a bit older it should get easier to stay up a bit longer. Broken sleep is hard on the next day so compensating for an earlier bedtime is sensible IMO.

Honestly, some of the suggestions on here are at such odds with any healthy lifestyle advice. Why would it be worth staying up and extra 3 hours to doom scroll and watch tv?!! You are better off having an early night!

It sounds like he opts to do other things in the evening (sport, drinks, etc.) rather than spend time with you. So please ignore the suggestion that you are being the unreasonable one.

Then maybe it's time husband made some time for you, rather than expecting you to just slot in to entertain him when he wants OP.

He can start by telling you when he's coming home.

Would you sit and twiddle your thumbs with no clue when he comes home though?

If you're tired, you're tired. Please don't stay up when you're exhausted. Sounds like you do the bulk of the childcare.

Have you always been an early to bed person? I am but I am always up at 5am so no way I am staying up until 11pm.

I also find this time of year I just like an early night.

If your sleep is disturbed by small dc then I think you need to sleep when you can. But the heavy bleeding does need checking for sure - do you have a good diet and are you taking a decent multi vitamin?

I'd be upset too if I was your DH. 8 is ridiculously early and I wouldn't be surprised if he thought you were deliberately trying to avoid him. Even when I get up at 5am (I'm self employed and like to get an early start before everyone gets up) I still only go to bed around 9.30 - 10pm. The only time I've ever gone to bed at 8pm was last year when I had a really bad bacterial infection that caused serious fatigue (and for a few weeks afterwards). I'd definitely consult a doctor because at 33 you should have more energy than that, even with 2 young children.

I had 10 days periods with a copper coil (started off with no periods, but it became worse and worse over 3 years). I became only mildly anaemic according to tests, but tired all the time, and had bad memory loss. You can go to the GP and ask for blood tests, but don't rely on that alone - I found them very reluctant to blame it all on bad periods. I had the coil removed, took iron supplements and felt much, much better a few months later. (Mirena hormonal coil really worked for me after that, no periods!!)

Edit: your DH is a bit of a knob though

OP, please get yourself checked out.

I was falling asleep at 8pm and dp was getting arsey with me. Finally ds said 'mummy, why are you SO tired?' My routine mammogram appt letter had arrived that morning so I went along and unfortunately (or luckily) they found a lump. All sorted now, and back to normal sleep pattern.

I'm not saying you have the same - it could be any number of things - but get it checked.

OP has already said he comes home from work between 6pm-8pm, it’s not as if that’s a huge timeframe really. And if it’s due to his job then honestly it is what it is, I know my BIL works in a factory and he can be and often is told he has to do 1 hour compulsory overtime at the end of his shift- 20 mins before the end of the shift. He isn’t allowed his phone on the factory floor so my sister wouldn’t know he’s staying late. My husband is a financial adviser, he quite often has clients contacting him in the evening meaning he could be planning on coming home at half 5 and end up actually coming home at 7. It’s not ideal, but that’s life with work and our jobs sometimes.

I suppose I’m in a similar position in that although I may not know exactly when DH will be home, I know he’ll be back by half 7/8pm 99% of the time so especially now when I’m extra tired I’ll just relax where possible until he gets home and then even if we just spend an hour together before bed I never regret that time. That’s not twiddling my thumbs, because I wouldn’t have gone to bed at 6pm anyway, and by 8pm he’s home

bendypines 'Your DH should stop moaning and start being concerned about why his wife is so tired.'

100% this.

I am on sedatives and wake multiple times a night with my daughter and I can manage quite easily until 10pm. However I feel my fatigue at 8 am having had an hour's worth of alarms going off trying to rise me from the fog.

It could be normal but it wouldn't hurt to get a once over from a GP.

It sounds like you and your partner are living separate lives in the same house. What does he do to help you with mornings the night before? Could he do a regular day or two where he got home for 6 to have some family and then couple time and then you can get the extra sleep on the other days.

I have a disability and find the spoon theory helpful for managing my energy levels. If you are going through a tired fog at the moment you might find it useful. One of the things I find helpful from it is to have the language to describe why some days I have less energy despite doing the same as on a different day. I have a friend who no asks me if I'm short of spoons if I'm not myself

His sport nights and season tickets are part of his career? Is he Gary Lineker or something?

It sounds like he has a lot more energy than you with a busy social life as well as holding down a career and other commitments. So either he needs to work out where he can help you, pay for night help or a babysitter or give you at least one weekend day off. And like everyone else has said, it's not normal to be so exhausted, so unless you know you've got long covid or something, best to go to a doctor.

I don't have any kids and usually go to bed at 8. I've been knackered all my life.