DH moaning that I go to bed early

[ItsDee]

So I usually go to bed at around 8pm most nights as I am just so exhausted with work and the children, I work 3 days per week and children are 6 and 3. I never know when my husband is coming home from work as it varies from 18:00-8, he leaves in the morning before nursery/school drop offs etc so the morning falls on me too. He keeps moaning that he just sits downstairs by himself most nights but I really cant help it I am exhausted, anybody else feel this way?

I think you need to read all the OPs comments......

God I'm looking at the back of my eyelids by 10pm! I'm up 530am every morning though, so usually beyond shattered by then! 10pm would be a late night in our house 🤣🤣

Please speak to your GP. This isn’t normal.

Sounds normal to me. I take DS up at 7pm. By the time we've got everything done, it's 8-8.30pm by the time he falls asleep. Some nights, I might watch the iPad for an hour, but sometimes I fall straight to sleep. It's not miserable, though, as we don't enjoy the same TV shows or movies.

I work 3 days a week and study one day. I am up between 5.30 and 6.30. I do pretty much everything for DS and 100% of the house stuff and admin.

Prior to having DS, I always napped for a minimum of 40 minutes in the afternoon. I never went to bed before midnight and got up around 6.30. Not having the nap makes a huge difference. A 40-minute nap can easily give me an extra 3 hours in the evening.

Reading all of your posts it's no wonder you are knackered. And anyway your husband is awful so I wouldn't want to spend time with him anyway. I would get rid of him.

Oh OP your husband sounds absolutely awful, you and the children will be much happier away from him. I suggest starting a new life without him. Speak to Women's Aid if you feel worried or threatened at all. Good luck, you don't need this awful man in your life

it is giving me flashbacks reading this.
i used to take my drowsy inducing meds at 830pm to be asleep by 9 to avoid the pig of a person who was in my house.
you really deserve better and more and niceness and stability and calm and peace and words like that.

DARVO technique:

Deny that they’ve done anything wrong.
Attack you for batting his hand away in defence
Reverse Victim Offender: he turns himself into the victim and guilts YOU into feeling bad for defending yourself against his aggressive move.

Result: you are not able or allowed to mention the way he abusively put his finger in your face because he will then constantly turn the conversation to how you behaved.

Blaming your reaction to their action is a classic narcissistic and abusive tactic.

How are you doing @ItsDee? Your husband sounds unsupportive and emotionally manipulative. What about starting another thread about your relationship and family life in the relationships section here? Lots of people would be glad to chat through it x

Once your kids are older and need collecting from activities you can wave goodbye to 8pm bedtime. Mine are older now and activities often finish 8:30/9pm in an evening. Sometimes later. Even aged 7 Brownies finished at 8:30.

You could need checking out or could just be someone who needs a lot of sleep. I need a lot of sleep. I’m always tired. Never found any reason for it. Since having kids the GP just tells me it’s being a parent. I was briefly anemic but don’t seem to be these days.

On a normal week I’m in bed by 11pm ideally and up either 6:30 for work or 7am on non work days to sort kids for school. But in school holidays (I’m a teacher)
im usually later to bed - 11pm-midnight and often sleep in until 9/10am so a good 9/10 hours sleep. Even in the 6 weeks holidays after being well rested for a week or so I still sleep longer. I can’t seem able to go to bed earlier though. If I do I don’t fall asleep so not worth it. I’m obviously more of a night owl than an early bird.

What you're describing is domestic abuse. None of his behaviour is acceptable or normal. If somebody is shouting in your face being verbally abusive and threatening, you are perfectly within your rights to bat their pointing finger off of your face. Honestly this thread is shocking. You're exhausted because you do absolutely everything whilst living with an abusive useless man who shows zero love or care to you or the children. Please call the DV helpline if you want to talk to non judgemental women who want to support you, this thread is unbelievably victim blaming.

If im ready for bed at 8 its when i kmow my irons low. Ive always been aneamic. Most people also vitamin D deficient too.

I would see gp as it sounds like your husband rarely sees you which isnt great. Good luck op x

You didn't do anything wrong. Pointing a finger like that so close to someone's face is intimidating for anyone and he bloody knows that - men know that if they tried this in a certain type of male environment, they might get a shove or a punch. He was doing this to put you, the little woman, in her place.

8pm is quite early to go to bed, but it depends on how deeply and for how long you're sleeping.

My first thoughts -

• Stress, depression or anxiety- this can make you feel heavy, slow, and exhausted. I can attest to that as I've felt this heaviness in the early evening when I was going through a lot emotionally. Negative emotions and feeling run down can mess up your hormones as well. If you are mentally overwhelmed with social interaction, this can zap the energy of introverted people too.
• Possible vitamin B12, iron or vitamin D deficiency. Could be other vitamin or mineral deficiencies as well, but these are the most common that zap your energy
• Possible early peri-menopause symptoms. Some women become estrogen dominant because of falling progesterone levels, or their estrogen shoots up which again means estrogen dominance if there isn't sufficient progesterone to match that.

I'm not familiar with the coil, so this could be messing you up as well. If you are bleeding heavily, you may well be iron deficient. When you have your blood test, ask them for a print out of your results and don't take no for an answer. They might tell you everything's normal, but I was also told this when in fact I was borderline anaemic.

I work full time, 5 days a week, do mornings with nursery drop off 3 times, and then all evenings and all weekend on my own with little one (under 2). I get up anytime between 5 and 6am and normally make it til at least 10pm if not alot later sometimes. I'm normally in bed when DH gets home, but that's anywhere between midnight and 4am based on his shifts, but I think if he got home at 8pm and I was already in bed, he'd think I was avoiding him 🤣
Another vote for seeing your GP here.

Edit: I read all your updates since posting. Sorry. Please seek relationship advice. It's not a you problem. Your problem is your H. I don't get alot of support due to work shifts. But. If he wagged his finger in my face. I'd do more than bat it away. You sound like great parent. I'm sorry I can't say the same about your partner.

I go to bed early too. I I like my own space so i do tend to hide away in the evening, watching tv or reading (or mumsnet) i like to get up early too.

i think it’s normal if you have little kids and it’s cold

however, i make an effort to join my husband (on the sofa) at the weekend

rock n roll!🤣

your husband sounds needy.

He’s a bully and intimidating you.
Next time break his bloody fingers he won’t do it again.

If you end the relationship he is one less pressure on you.
He isn’t a parent or a proper partner

He shouldn’t have had his finger touching your face then. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Have your eyes been opened to how dysfunctional your relationship is? How feasible is leaving him at the moment?

Could you be suffering from depression? See your GP for advice.

Tbh I totally get it. I’m home alone usually from 9-8 most days with a 3 month old and a 2 year old who gave up naps long ago and I am knackered by the evening, I’m desperate to get in bed and just lie down. However I am also anaemic, low in folate and b12 which doesn’t help. Can ur husband not come up to bed with u n uz could chill n watch tv in bed ?

What does he actually do in the home or with your kids?
Between work and hobbies he seems to never spend time with any of you.

I could have written this. I put the kids in bed at 8pm and get into bed myself to wind down and lights off by 9pm. I’m a terrible sleeper though so try and get what I can by going to bed earlier. My husband is up until 11pm on his own each night. I’m up at 6 and the same as you OP, getting the kids up and ready each morning feels like a days work before works even began.

Often in bed by 9- two young children so up early

Next time break his bloody fingers he won’t do it again.
Obviously this is utterly terrible advice OP. Honestly there are some lunatics on Mumsnet

OP my life is very similar to yours and I too go to bed st 8. I like the dark and quiet after a day of chaos. I too feel exhausted. I have low iron and folate, often dehydrated, and quite a bit of stress going on. Always putting yourself last isn't good for your health. Speak to your DH about his priorities- if he makes more effort likely you'll be more keen to see him of an evening.

I could have written this OP! I find myself falling asleep at 8pm several times a week. It’s been getting myself and my DH down. Had full bloods and thyroid checked at GP and nothing came up. I too have a copper coil and heavy periods. Not sure what to do now so reading this thread with interest!