"I've never found him attractive"

[starfro]

I've seen this both in real life and on here. Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Then 10 years later they are in an awful sexless marriage, and either splitting or "staying together for the kids".

AIBU to find it totally dishonest and selfish from the women that do this?

No one is talking about it working the other way round, sometimes people marry and then the love and mutual respect grows. Some of my in laws have had arranged marriages and over time developed true genuine love and affection. No passionate beginnings but real love.

This is such a crock of shite. 😂

When I’ve seen it, it’s invariably done in a virtue signalling way, and the in contrast to a woman that isn’t happy about finding her partner unattractive:

“you’re a shallow harpy that is doomed to misery for thinking looks are even the slightest bit important. I’ve never found my partner attractive, because I’m the deep sort that considers physical attraction to be entirely irrelevant!”.

Because apparently it’s impossible to find a partner that is attractive AND a good person AND financially stable (and if that’s important to you, not because you expect to live off them, but want someone on equal footing to you, then you’re a gold digging harpy as well), and you should accept that you need to settle for three-teeth-Keith. Or die alone with cats, as if that isn’t indeed preferable.

Read your Victorian social history. Men and women needed each other to survive in a harsh eorld so linked up in couples for that reason. The perfect romantic love match is amazing but reality is many couples get together for practical reasons. Not me I got very lucky but wouldn’t judge pragmatists.

My abusive XH would have happily gone on having sex with me while despising me. In fact one of the things that made him angry was that i stopped having sex with him after he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I was supposed to put out while he made up his mind.

@Doteycat it will come eventually to one of you at least.

So there is no guarantee that even if you married someone who you found attractive at the time that they would stay attractive to you for the rest of your life

This is where I think the importance of both head and heart comes in for making a marriage decision. While I don't think people should settle for someone they have no romantic interest in, purely as they'd be a good spouse on paper, neither do I think they should ignore the parade of red flags just because they're head over heels in love.

Sexual attraction isn't solely dependent on physical appearance. If it was, the human population would be far lower and far better looking 😅I've met good looking men who I have no desire towards whatsoever, and average looking men who I have been extremely attracted to.

Besides sexual attraction and money, there are other things needed in relationships - shared ideals and interests, similar views on life and hopes for the future, emotional support and availability...

If the question asked is about someone having never been attracted to their partner (whatever they look like), I think that is rather strange and I feel sorry for any men conned into a relationship based on dishonesty.

Ideally, have your own financial independence so you don't need to 'settle' and accept money over all else.

Unlikely really.
38 years and counting.
And now they kids have moved on its better than ever.
Quite sad you think that really.

There is nothing wrong with being pragmatic. Too many women have bought into the fallacy that passion is the be all and end all to having a fulfilled life. Plus that passion should last forever. It rarely does. In a long relationship, sex usually becomes mundane. We all age. It can be staved off for a time by artifice, but the maiden and mother years always pass. The third age is that of the crone. Do you want to spend your cronedom alone or with someone decent you've made a life with? A decent man will accept that you're not the lovely young thing you were in your twenties. Women should accept that too

That's really nice to read, and I hope you both feel like that always. But in fairness, I said 30 years! Neither of you are even 40 yet and have yet to navigate the ravages of time! Perhaps you'll still be starry eyed about each other when you're in your 80s, but my point was if you're not, as many couples aren't, it doesn't mean you can't have a happy and fulfilled marriage, as the spark is only one part of that.

I think in a lot of cases it’s just the desperation to not be seen to be shitting out. “Look at me, I’m married with kids too”. Some women want the wedding and not the marriage. Jump in with the first bloke who pays them attention. I think you see this more with women who have been dumped by partners. “I’ll show him how brilliantly it’s all turned out for me now I’m with the love of my life” Basically anyone will do. No wonder there is so much resentment

""I've never found him attractive" "

This is a very loaded statement tho isn't it?

When women say "found him attractive" it could mean a million things. If we are talking purely and exclusively physical then generally speaking (although there are exceptions being women who put extra emphasis on being with someone "hot") women will tolerate less than perfect physical characteristics from men where women hold themselves (and other women) to a different, arguably higher standard (which is sometimes their own downfall as men then say "oh ok then, yes I did break up with you because you are not as hot as x next door or you are not as young as y down the road or z looks like the latest celebrity/sports influencer and I fancied them).

I do genuinely think that men cheat (when they do) almost entirely for sex/lust/physical reasons. They see a woman they find physically attractive and if there are literally no obstacles they often find it almost impossible to resist notwithstanding they are married or whatever especially if they think they will get away with it and there will be no consequences for them.

Its about sex and the physical body/face of the woman.

A statement like ""I've never found him attractive" " assumes a whole lot of factors around physical attractiveness which apply to women but not to men in today's society so the above statement is meaningless.

Added to which there must be a fair proportion of men who don't care too much whether their wives/girlfriend do or ever did find them attractive, just so long as they give sex and show a minimum level of willingness/enthusiasm.

Question - have you ever known a woman who, on the day they got married had said to their husband to be "I love you but if you put in 4 stone I am going to divorce you"?

I cannot imagine in the history of time any woman has ever said that to her husband to be whereas I imagine there have been more than a few men who have actually come out and said that to their bride to be before the wedding.

Same, I'm fifty-mumble and this is not something I've ever seen or heard expressed. Not saying it doesn't happen - and if anything, I'd imagine there may be more women who don't want to admit they married someone they didn't find particularly attractive originally, as it's contrary to our prevalent modern-day "lust at first sight" narrative - but it doesn't seem to be widespread.

:)
celebrate it/work to nourish it (if it even needs it)

I find people who say things like this are also the people who find out someone has done something wrong and say 'I always thought there was something funny about him' when they never said a word before.

I've seen it a few times in real life, and lots on here.

E.g.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4437129-Love-DH-but-have-never-fancied-him

I am middle aged and, come to think of it, there have been four men in my life that I have genuinely been really physically, sexually attracted to. One was a guy I met at the end of a year living abroad and had a brief fling with, one was a total player I had a couple of shags with, one I had a relationship with but turned out to be a completely fucked up evil dude, and one was already married. So none were marriage material.

Maybe some women just have so few men that they are attracted to, that they end up with someone they like an awful lot but are not massively hot for sexually.

And when we're talking about attractiveness, we're talking looks and personality.

Some people do just settle, and it works the other way around as well (men settling for someone they don't really like). And it's miserable for these couples.

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

I don't own any makeup. I'm also happily a spinster in my forties. The two may he related.

In some of these cases, I think maybe some women get towards middle age, and natural hormonal changes, and their libido tanks. And while it may be true that they were never super-attracted - maybe they always had lowish libido - once it really tanks, sex can be really hard.

Would they have managed better with a guy they were more attracted to initially? Maybe, but not necessarily. I've certainly known women who were attracted to a man, but they still lost almost all interest in sex at the menopause, and in fact started to find it a bit disgusting.

I think that element is important to understand too. Sex is disgusting, objectively, and in order to have it, our body suppresses the disgust response during sex. Our bodies can have a sexual response to certain stimuli even if we aren't very attracted. It can even happen during a sexual assault which can be very upsetting for people when it happens.

But if your body, due to hormonal changes, becomes less vigorous at suppressing the disgust response, sex can suddenly become much worse than it seemed before. Or even go from nice to really terrible.

Rubbish! Didn't the 'old maid' trope die out in the 18somethings? I don't remember that thinking from the 80's more the reverse and then you had ladette thinking in the 90's which also wasn't good.

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

Men don’t really need “armour” as much though do they as their appearances aren’t so harshly judged.

I have had experience of being attracted to someone who objectively I would have said was unattractive which I assume is down to chemistry or whatever. Marrying someone you aren’t attracted to would be weird but maybe it depends how you define attraction.

Marrying someone you aren’t attracted to would be weird but maybe it depends how you define attraction.

I do think people are maybe talking at cross purposes or have their own particular meaning. Like saying you were attracted to someone's pesonality rather than their looks could mean you fancied the pants off them while being aware they didn't have conventional looks. Or it could mean you really liked their company but didn't have a sexual attraction.

Yes this is my situation exactly. I dont think i ever found my dh physically attractive, objectively he is not good looking, he was short and skinny when young, tubby and bald now, never had any money either btw, but I fell in love with him and we always had a great sex life. Not any more sadly, he let me down one too many times over the years so our relationship has gone to shit. If he was a mra he would probably assume I got what I wanted, a home and dc but despite his flaws he has more sense than that.