"I've never found him attractive"

[starfro]

I've seen this both in real life and on here. Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Then 10 years later they are in an awful sexless marriage, and either splitting or "staying together for the kids".

AIBU to find it totally dishonest and selfish from the women that do this?

I have been married over 36 years so feel qualified to speak😃

When I met DH I did not fancy him at all, he is the total opposite of my type. I had a couple of boyfriends before, one hurt me very badly, I really loved him. The next one I was totally in lust with , he looked like Martin Kemp and could not wait to have sex with him but when I did, it was so bad and disappointing, plus he was a terrible flirt and womaniser and I knew it would not work long term.

I sort of fell in with my DH as we were all hanging out with friends and we got on well. One drunken night we ended up in bed, I thought what the hell, expecting to be disappointed but WHOOAA, it was amazing, he had the most lovely touch and was great! We hit it off from there and were married with kids within 2 years.

Yes I did not fancy him physically but fell for his personality, he is solid, funny, dependable, we are very close now and have a right laugh. At the beginning I felt that I had settled I suppose but not any more, the love grows

You are assuming that only handsome and beautiful people are sexually attractive. This is not true. We tend to find very different people attractive thank goodness.

And vice versa

That's not really what I meant. I imagine that most happily married couples enjoy closeness and intimacy because they love the other person. But there's a difference between that and the type of sexual attraction that would mean that if you met your long term partner for the first time, today, in a room full of other men of varying ages and levels of attractiveness, then you'd still find him the most sexually attractive man in the room. You might of course. But I'd suspect that wouldn't be the norm for most long term relationships, which evolve so that what is lost from the initial spark is replaced by something deeper that transcends it. My point being that some couples can skip the spark bit altogether and be none the worse for it.

The uncomfortable truth is that a lot of men aren’t very nice. A really good one is hard to find and most women are aware of that.

I married a man who wasn’t really my physical type because he was, and still is, a really good, kind person and loving partner.

I don’t regret that decision for a second and I’m really pleased I prioritised personality over physical attractiveness. Not that he’s unattractive actually, he’s very handsome, but just not the type of man I had previously chased after.

I think life is all about compromise in all areas.

I think people are sold a lie in expecting their spouses to tick every box. If you get one of those, hats off to you, but it is unlikely. In the real world, I guess everyone has their priorities, be it mind blowing sex, best friend or stability and wealth. And when people reach a certain age, and if they want children, they make a compromise.

What does seem selfish is marrying someone for wealth and stability and then divorcing and taking half the wealth with you. I am not talking here about taking compensation for a few years staying at home and making sacrifices to help your spouse, I am talking about entitlement to wealth you never would have any chance of attaining without them.

It is difficult these days as people expect to have romantic/sexual excitement into their middle and old age, and struggle to sacrifice this for comfortable stability or getting excitement in other ways (learning, sport, hobbies, friends etc).

People are just more selfish. They don’t understand the difference between needs and wants, and it generally ends in disappointment.

Well you might find someone attractive when they are a 25 year old athlete but how does that mean you will still find them attractive when they are 55 years old and their main hobby is drinking beer? Attraction is often a short lived phenomenon so its initial attraction doesn’t offer much protection against a sexless marriage or staying together for the kids. Yabu.

Is it really that difficult to understand though?

I think we sometimes forget that the desire to have children is not a rational one, and we have a limited time frame, (unlike men) to become parents.

Now, and I'm going to get slated for this (hard hat on) most of us aren't supermodels either. It's socially acceptable for us (women) to "lie" about every single aspect of ourselves. We can wear foundation and lippy, we can get hair extensions, wigs, perms, eyelashes, we can later ourselves in fake tan, moisturiser, wear fake nails, have fake boobs, lips, you name it.

Men generally don't do anything except maybe shave and put a shirt on.

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

I know I wouldn't. And the "before and after" versions of me are not even remotely related 😂

I think most of us are a little delusional about our own attractiveness!

I don't think we choose men we're not attracted to. I think we choose men who are about our own level, we just hide the "real" us behind a facade. Whereas men just show up as is, warts and all (literally)

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

I don't wear makeup, dress casually, don't dye my hair. I don't think you should speak for all/most women.

Levels/leagues are also a very tricky thing.

Because people are attracted to different looks and different vibes and different personalities.

One person's 9/10 can be another's 5 and vice versa.

People settle all the time.

Half the replies on this thread read like they were written by Fathers 4 Justice members and/or incels. INcluding the OP.

I married mine because I knew he would be dependable and loyal and a good dad

Would you leave the house without your "armour" on?

Interesting choice of words. I don't wear makeup (never have) and haven't dyed my hair since before covid. We're not all the same.

Charlotte Lucas anyone??

@Ladolcevita233

I do think the vast majority of women wear make up. I literally see it everyday.

I thought that. That novel is never far from my thoughts tbf😊

I had a friend whose husband had left her with no explanation or warning, and she took him back. Never asked or questioned his reasons.
Then he did it again, for good that time. She was destroyed.
We, her friends, couldn't understand why she'd never got into why he'd done it the first time. She was just 'so happy' to have him back.
The second time he left her, l remember her saying to me, so vividly, "I'm not like you. I can't be on my own."
I was in an abusive marriage for over a decade. I couldn't live with that. I've had relationships since, but never lived with anyone.
Fortunately she's with someone else now (much later on) and they seem happy. I'm glad for her, she's nice and she deserves to be happy.
Maybe some people just want to be settled and have children.
Looks fade, personalities change (I know mine has, since l was married 30+ years ago).
But 'settled' with someone l wasn't attracted to, or didn't love, isn't for me. I can't have sex (or even kiss) with someone l'm not attracted to. It was never about money for me, or children.
Each to their own.

I think, as long as everyone has their eyes open, there are all sort of different relationships.

A lot of these 'nice guys' will be there for them, provide, help raise children and remain faithful - but as per your post, apparently this isn't enough.
Perhaps people should stop always looking for something better, and accept that nice people, despite being a little more 'dull' than some unicorn types, are actually a better all-round bet?

These days an awful lot of people seriously over-estimate their market value, and it'll come to bite them on the arse in future.

'But 20 years of gritting your teeth and doing the deed once a week? It sounds awful for both parties.'

How old are you op? And do you have dcs?
I actually think sex once a week is the norm for alot of sleep deprived couples with young dcs. Sex couldn't be further from the mind when in that situation! Yes sex is important, but there are alot of other things that are equally! It is about more than lust.

What you're saying is too simplistic.....

I worked with a guy who at first glance I thought wow he's really very unattractive, but he had a stunning wife. I worked closely with him for a while and quite honestly I would have married him in a heartbeat, very charming, charismatic, funny etc. He was a catch, but on the face of it really unattractive.

My husband, I wouldn't say I'd want to rip his clothes off, he doesn't make me shiver by just looking at me, not at all. But I've got a stable guy who I get on very well with. He's a great husband and a great dad. We spend a lot of time together.

Is our marriage perfect? Hell no but the alternative is way worse - in my own personal circumstances

I don't think I have any friends who found their husbands unattractive when they married them. Perhaps not the hottest guy they ever kissed but not actually unattractive, in fact, what was astonishing is that they did genuinely fancy them in those early stages! 20 odd years or more down the line, some of them don't fancy their husband so much as their husband have changed (put on weight in one case), or their husband have turned out to be crap husbands (two of them) but none of them are thinking of leaving them because they aren't hot. It's a complex of friendship, companionship, needing the dual income, some still have a sex life.

I don't think marrying people you really have no attraction to at all is common, settling down with someone who is unconventional looking or not their usual type or not the hottest, fine, but I don't know anyone gritting their teeth for money. That's come later on when they have dependents who they have to care for which is hard if you are a single or lone parent.

I'm genuinely curious now - are many of you married to men you've never been in love with?

Why can you not just hold out to fall in love with a nice, dependable guy? It seems to almost be implied that it's either/or - the hot, unreliable player or the dull but steady bloke.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many people think that it's normal to stop fancying your DH or think that he's less attractive after X amount of years together.
I've been married for 25 years. Mid and late 20s to mid and late 40s. I genuinely look at my DH and think he's gorgeous! Probably even more handsome than when we were younger and thats because of the man he is. I grab his bum and kiss him several times a day, as he does me. And I wouldn't say we have a highly sexual relationship or a relationship based on attraction, quite standard for 25 years of marriage. We didnt start off as a relationship based on looks or lust either. It was his kind nature that won me over and he always says it was my sense of humour. He's been such a brilliant husband and father though, he shows me such love and care. We are growing older together in a loving way, always putting each other first and that in itself is enough for me to look at him and find him irresistibly attractive. I still see the young man I fell for and the glint in his eye.
I think I'd be really sad if I stopped fancying him. If I'd never met him and met him now at the ages we are, I'd definitely fall for him again, looks too!