"I've never found him attractive"

[starfro]

I've seen this both in real life and on here. Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Then 10 years later they are in an awful sexless marriage, and either splitting or "staying together for the kids".

AIBU to find it totally dishonest and selfish from the women that do this?

Also for women there's pressure to choose a partner young, mid 20s ideally. It can be hard to make good choices without experience. I personally over estimated the good qualities of my kid's dad because a lot of the men I'd met were younger (DP is older). Now I realise that many men are responsible and intelligent, but I genuinely didn't know that back then.

How can you tell the difference between a decision made autonomously and one made as a result of societal pressure for women who aren't you?

People always claim that men are visual creatures. IMO that's wrong, some 'people' are visual creatures as you've demonstrated.
I've always been more attracted by what men 'do' rather than what they look like. Put it this way,
Adonis, doing even one of the things you mentioned would turn me off.
A guy I was initially not that attracted too, but earning well, pulls his weight etc etc.. well, I could see myself 'getting' attracted with a 60% probability.

Of course I need physical attraction like he has to smell nice <3 but I don't find a very narrow range of men attractive. I do however find a very narrow range of behaviours attractive.

My husband is a bit like @NorthernSturdyGirl 's....

I don't know, I've never met anyone my age (late 30s) who has openly admitted to never finding their partner attractive.
I can't imagine starting out like that.

When I first met my partner I thought I was very lucky, he was attractive (to me) , had his own house car and job, we had lots in common, we had fun, great sex life, we both wanted a family.
He still turned out to be a dickhead and we ended up with the kind of relationship you describe where there is little sex and ongoing resentment.
You can't have it all.

I’m talking about my experience and those around me. If they are single then they clearly haven’t fallen to any societal pressure to settle. I can only comment on people I know and discussions I have.

Id be interested to hear from someone, who themselves feels they settled to due external/society pressures. Im from a fairly generic background and family and in 40 years haven’t experienced it.

Let be real choice is a privilege of modern society. There was way more settling happening when survival was primary concern. So many unrealistic expectations from both sexes these days remember 50% of both are below average attractiveness so they have to settle or die alone. It’s sad buts it the choice the majority of us have to make

Well if you know only single women then yes, you can obviously be confident they haven't succumbed to societal pressure to marry. I was asking you why you felt so confident that married women haven't succumbed to pressure that you felt able to claim it doesn't happen. Because surely that would take a fairly in depth knowledge of the motivations of all married women, not just an observation that some women stay single.

And sometimes people marry someone because they’re their best friend and they love their company. But don’t necessarily find them sexually attractive

That’s quite clearly not what I said. My comment was that it’s not my experience and not something I have seen. Of course not everyone I know is single, but I don’t look at my married friends relationship with the view of the OP. If this was a ‘societal’ thing you’d think if would be widespread

As I say, it would be interesting to hear from someone who thinks they have ‘settled’ because the felt pressure from society to get married.