"I've never found him attractive"

[starfro]

I've seen this both in real life and on here. Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Then 10 years later they are in an awful sexless marriage, and either splitting or "staying together for the kids".

AIBU to find it totally dishonest and selfish from the women that do this?

So they've actually said "I have no attraction to him, I don't like him but I reckon I can con him into marriage and kids?"

So did you actually go along and marry someone you felt ambivalent about?

Women are sold a lie that looks and attraction are unimportant.

“Women settle. It’s social conditioning. They are frequently told to give ‘nice guys a chance’ and they give years to these apparent ‘nice’ guys who actually are just mediocre.”

This is so true. And whilst the early hormones can blind women to many things, once they wear off and you see your fat icky ugly husband, many women prefer to stay in the marriage for many and sometimes complex reasons.

This is not true for men. The various medical funny stories are evidence that men do not need to find a person or object attractive to enjoy having sex. I’m not even sure men get the ick the way women do?

I'm not sure many men marry out of sense on insecurity. My man certainly didn't. We genuinely married for love. Sure we were very young and rarely left the bedroom but it's stood the test of time. I wish I could put my finger on exactly why but it's just one of those things. We clicked and it's worked. Perhaps it's my flaming red hair.

Having undesirable sex once a week is preferable to putting up with being poor.

But it's not sustainable and invariably leads to huge resentment. There's no way can someone feign excitement for decades. What happens in reality is the disinterested partner stops after a while, and both parties end up hating one another.

Similar characters also binds people, and common temperaments.

I think a lot of people, both men and women, are scared of rejection and so don't go for the people they really want. If I've been deeply attracted to a really gorgeous man I've always assumed he's a player or cheat, perhaps to my detriment.

I don't want great sex while my kids are poor. How could I even enjoy sex if my home is about to be repossessed or I have to live in a shitty home? Money is more helpful to the family than oh well at least mum orgasms every night.

I have a friend who did this.... getting to late thirties and married a very kind dependable man..but she admits she has never found him attractive. It blows my mind to be honest....I couldn't bear to sleep with a man I didn't find attractive. They don't appear unhappy though....she loves him like a brother I think. She has a nice house and children. Conversely I know a woman who is single and childless and it's now to late for her to meet a man and have kids. I'm not sure thats an especially happier scenario

OK but then you have to actually put up with it.

I wouldn't judge anyone for entering into a relationship for money or stability as long as they'd been honest with their partner and they were both on the same page*, and then if they accepted that was the choice they had made.

Settling for someone you never loved, never found attractive and then once you've got the kids you wanted turning round to moan about it (and potentially blow up their lives)? No sympathy at all.

*Settling for someone you don't love, while fooling them into thinking you love them, is just vile behaviour and no amount of "social conditioning" can excuse it

I don't know anyway irl with this attitude, everyone I know married because they were madly in love. I can't say it worked out for all of them though. I don't recall reading about those situations on here either, surely most women start off being attracted to their partners, but go off them in time?

Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Very funny, but it's not the weekend anymore so it's probably best to make the sexist baiting threads somewhat believable.

Obviously you know this, but - women don't need to be supported by men, women have compelx desires that sometimes but not always includes "babies". Attraction is often interpersonal and comes and goes with how the relationship in general is going.

Why don't you start a thread about gold diggers marrying old men for their money, that will be fun too.

I sometimes think that many MNers have never actually talked to a man, maybe never even met a man, given all the bizarre stereotypes that get trotted out about them.

How many actual honest conversations have you had with men about male sexuality (which, spoiler alert, is not the same for every man, just like female sexuality is not the same for every woman).

I've seen women saying on here that they've done just that, the guy has ended up being useless and they've gone to have several children with them and then blaming "the patriarchal society we live in" on the whole thing, just refusing to take any kind of responsibility for their actions

Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies

I know this is the way a lot of men nowadays like to think ..I mean it's all a bit incel(y) but there are far less gold diggers around than they like to think and actually there are very very few men around who are happy to totally financially support a woman.

@gannett i think, and i could well be wrong, but if you are business minded about marriage you wouldn't leave and blow.up their lives only because you were never attracted, usually the conversation goes like:" but can you work on rekindling that spark?" And she would say "well I was never attracted" And the separation if it does happen will be down to other factors because she was already the type who doesn't prioritise or capable of ignoring physical attraction. I would argue that the ones who do separate due to lack of physical attraction are the very ones who got together because of thr physical attraction.

I would also say that the husband would have known she isn't as into him from her luke warm enthusiam, i don't think the woman has to pretend to fancy him. It's an unspoken mutual understanding like a much younger beautiful woman and an old rich man. They both get what they need.

I think it's more wrong to decide to have a family with a man based on physical attraction than based on finances and personality. Some people might say well have both! Physical and personal attraction! To which I say this is rare to find together in a person who also finds us equally attractive in and outside. Meanwhile, clock is ticking, time wasters fucking us around, you have to be realistic about life.

Some women are just like that I guess. Growing up, when I was about 19 my best friend indicated the least attractive person we knew and said 'I would rather marry him than marry nobody'. She duly then went on to marry very young, but it wasn't for kids, she didn't want or have them. More just for company and security.

I didn't settle, never married and am happy. I can't imagine being shackled to someone I have little interest in and having to have sex with. I have better things to do with my time!

The number of times i was told i was being too picky when i was doing OLD was unreal. I was single and dating for 4 years before i met DP. It was worth the 4 years of being single to hold out for someone like him.

I don't think I've come across anyone who's admitted to marrying or seems to have married a man they see nothing in for the sake of security/kids.

It could have been me, but there was nothing malicious in it, I just felt too guilty to break his heart and because he was a decent man at the time, I thought I should be happy.
If he hadn't done something that gave me a "reason" to end it, I've no idea if I'd have gone through with getting married. (Of course now I know any reason is enough)

Older and wiser now, it would have to be something very special to get heavily involved.

also- contrary to your point above, I’m probably not the ‘hottest’ woman out there!

Yeah, that statement was very black & white/over simplified.

Men go for all kinds of looks, types, personalities. I know plenty of attractive, stable men who have relatively average looking partners.
The hottest school Dad at our school is married to a definitely not above average looks lady (and he seems stable and a good Dad too).

I've not really seen this as any sort of trend tbh. I'm sure it happens, but most of the threads from women who don't find their partners attractive add 'anymore', because of certain changes in their partner, often around his behaviour. However, supposing this is a thing, as you suggest, it seems to me just another way to judge women for their choices. Women who prioritise sexual attraction are generally regarded as 'shallow' so whatever criteria a woman uses to pick a partner there'll doubtless be someone waiting around to criticise her. Value looks and the ugly men and their cheerleaders will moan. Value financial stability and the poorer ones will have a problem with it. Value personality and unfortunately you may be looking for hens teeth.

Stereotyping women while complaining about women stereotyping men is not a good look.

What I think I find weird on here is an unquestioning acceptance that you trade off dependability/hard work for boringness in a partner.

You can he attracted to somebody's personality and have a good sex life with them without being physically attracted to them.