"I've never found him attractive"

[starfro]

I've seen this both in real life and on here. Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Then 10 years later they are in an awful sexless marriage, and either splitting or "staying together for the kids".

AIBU to find it totally dishonest and selfish from the women that do this?

Looks aren’t everything I spent a few years in a relationship with someone who I was not attracted to physically - in fact he was everything I found physically unattractive in a man
However he was intelligent, witty, the life and soul of every party and dynamite in bed
What ended it in the end was our differing attitudes to money - he was a spender and I was a saver and that marriage and children were more important to me

>>Men don’t really need “armour” as much though do they as their appearances aren’t so harshly judged.

clearly you haven't read a fair few of the comments on here.
I do hope you aren't putting the blame for some women's more than liking for make-up on men.

I know someone who did just this. Two kids and several years down, in a sexless unhappy marriage. I feel sad for both of them.

In my experience it has been the opposite. I know so many people who's relationship started because they were attracted to the other person's looks.
They eventually end up fighting a lot and splitting up.
My husband and I got together because we like spending time with each other, we get on really well and make each other laugh. It was never about looks (I am not pretty at all).
In 14 years we have had 11 arguments.
We are really happy and have a great sex life.

So the two things we should base marriage on are things that can change very easily? after 10 years i imagine neither looked the same so there’s attractiveness gone and after kids, age, sexual disfunction there goes sex life too,

Why do you assume it’s intentional? Hormones make you do some things in one situation that you wouldn’t without the hormones. Mr Dull may seem more attractive when you want to nest but not seem sexy at all when the wind shifts. And that’s okay. If he didn’t want to get you pregnant then he would have not had sex, entirely his choice!

So the two things we should base marriage on are things that can change very easily? after 10 years i imagine neither looked the same so there’s attractiveness gone and after kids, age, sexual disfunction there goes sex life too,

True physical attraction and passion isn't necessarily related to anything as shallow as physical looks though. It's the spark and chemistry, and with time, assuming kindness and compatability, it grows even deeper.

Agree and that's so common but never talked about on here, because well it's women who can't do no wrong. I think women can be as sly, calculating and equally awful as men and more often in fact.

Or it’s never talked about on here because it very seldom happens, rather than being some widespread phenomenon which is hushed up?

I have never known anyone to say this, TBH.

A lot of the guys I have been in relationships were not conventionally attractive, but I tend to fall for personality over looks anyway. What has made some of my exs ugly was how they treated me, not how they looked.
Saying that, I am not attractive (have had strangers call me ugly) so there must be something about my personality that people liked at some point.

Maybe I am being naïve, but when you love someone's personality, sense of humour, ways of thinking... you love spending time with them. That is more valuable to me than sex..

I disagree that women "can do no wrong" on here. Many AIBU votes have gone against the woman in question. Of course individual women can be "sly, calculating and equally awful" - buit are you really claiming that women having secret affairs and trading in their husbands for younger models is as common or more common? For a start, there is generally a lot less opportunity.

It’s awful but men are just as bad.

Ultimately men and women alike would rather pimp themselves out and then settle for a life of drudgery and misery rather than admit they don’t want to be alone.

It’s very sad.

I don't think they admit to themselves they don't find him attractive until the shine has worn off the fantasy. They like the fact he likes them, they like the fact he can provide a good life etc, they're thinking about shiny kitchens and holidays and new cars and independent schools for their perfect fantasy three kids. I was advised by a friend a few years back to go on a second date with such a man for such a reason! (I did, but not a third...) Then when the reality hits they think "I was kidding myself all along...this is drudgery, but with a lovely new Mini...I never fancied him anyway "

I find this post really depressing. There is a difference between being physically attractive and being attracted to someone. Never met George Clooney to chat to him but he is physically attractive. On one occasion I was left in a room to chat to a man who was legendary (on a Clooney type basis) for his good looks and I found him to be the biggest turn off going. Some men are slow burners, not initially physically attractive but once you have spent some time with them, you just can't get enough of them. My husband is one of these, we find each other very attractive for the whole package, not just good looks and its that "whole package" that sealed the deal. This may sound a bit Mills and Boonish but my husband has the ability to quell me with a look, invite me to bed and make me feel the most attractive and loved person in the world with his eyes. He is an ordinary looking, overweight geek and I am his female equivalent. I am a lucky lady. But I waited a long time to find him, I was content to be single, I didn't perceive that as a problem or some type of failure. I was happy on my own and in some ways worried a man may spoil things, so I played the long game and tried before I bought! I kissed many frogs!

The trouble is, society programmes woman to expect to be married or in a long term relationship with kids or somehow you are a failure. Its definitely changing but its still less commented upon when older men are single as opposed to woman.

Yet I have many friends who mistook lust or peer pressure as a reason to marry the wrong person and regretted it. The desire to conform or be settled and to have kids. On paper they looked a good pairing - crikey how clinical does that sound. Personally my biggest fear was being stuck with someone for life as they were the father of my kids and no longer wanting him around, so I made sure that didn't happen.

The wests idea of romantic love is a wonderful thing but it doesn't happen for everyone and some do just settle more for mutual companionship and financial security, it depends what their priorities are.

I recently had an older friend who got engaged to an older man who she has a good friendship with as they wanted companionship and security in their old age. They both knew this and are both content. I couldn't just settle for that but each to their own.

Having said that, when I was happy with myself but single, I had no fear of being alone, I knew no different. The game changer for me now is that I truly hope I die first (how selfish is that) because having known this type of deep, all consuming love, how would I cope without it! It would be a cold, cold world

This is really interesting and I think a lot of it is based on different definitions of "attracted".

There are men who are beautiful to look at, but if I start talking to them and find them immediately dull I'm off. On the other hand, you can be ugly but make me laugh and I'll stay and chat all night. Neither of those things dictate my attractedness though.

Like a pp, I can count on one hand the number of men who I've genuinely felt attraction (the physical, sexual, emotional, all encompassing type) and none of them I ended up in a stable relationship with. The one marriage I had started with lust and fell apart because he treated me terribly. The other long term relationship I had started with friendship and fell apart because I wasn't attracted to him.

Now I've had my kids and feel I'm in a better position to hold out and wait for someone who I'm both attracted to and treats me well - and I'm finding nobody who fits that bill!

@NorthernSturdyGirl I love your post. I feel the same as you about my DH.

I think it depends on they lie on the "utterly repulsive to total sex god scale"

When I was single there was a guy. The chemistry was definitely there my side, he made my tummy flip but I couldn't have said anything about him that was physically attractive. It was just something about how we clicked, something about being around him that made me want to touch him. He never admitted to feeling the same back, so I have no idea what actual sex would have been like, but assuming he'd been a decent kisser, I reckon I'd have been up for finding out 😂😂. He doesn't repulse me, there's nothing hideous that would make me recoil, he was just over weight, balding, he had nice eyes but could be a bit squinty. But he just had some heavy pheromones I was clearly picking up on

I’ve always assumed it’s because they feel the societal pressures of ticking the boxes! Took me until my mid-30s to find my wonderful DH and, from what I have personally encountered, people just aren’t prepared to wait that long for fear they might not be able to have kids, etc. so they ‘settle’.

Haven’t rtft so sorry if this has been said already.

I think many women (some of my past selves included) feel a lot of excitement, satisfaction, and even sexual interest on the basis of being attractIVE rather than attractED. It can take a long time to disentangle them and look back at the start of a relationship and think ‘Oh, I never really fancied him that much, I just enjoyed him fancying me.’

I think there is more complexity in each situation than intentionally marrying someone you don’t find attractive just for security and babies. I was in a long term relationship with someone who I realised I didn’t find sexually attractive. In hindsight I probably knew all along but we were the best of friends and there is of course more to a relationship than just sex. I also had a massive lack of self esteem and thought I wouldn’t be able to find someone “better” (or should I say someone I was sexually attracted to). He earned well and I felt a lot of financial security. I earned less and knew it would be difficult on my own. The years went on and it was only once we were engaged that I realised I couldn’t continue - there was no way I could marry him and live a lie for the rest of my life. He desperately wanted to stay together - to the extent that he was offering for me to have relationships outside of our relationship to keep me happy. The whole situation was awful - to hurt someone you love but are not “in love” with. I don’t get to the marriage but I can understand how it happens. I think YABU to call women dishonest and selfish who end up in this predicament.

I think what we find attractive in a partner changes. I found my ex husband incredibly attractive when we first met, thought he was really hot, and I was up for it and keen. But as we got older and married life steps in I found him less and less attractive with every pound of debt he accumulated, every skid marked pair of pants I washed, every lovingly cooked meal he coated with ketchup etc. Maybe I only speak for myself, but attraction isn't solely visual.

A lot of mention here about ‘societal pressure’. Personally I’ve never felt that, and I have many single friends upwards of 40 who haven’t felt pressure to ‘settle’.

I wonder what the age divide is on this subject, as I don’t see young women being pressured into ‘settling’ at all and I’m 40.

If a woman wants to have children (within a relationship) at the detriment of other areas of her life, that’s her decision, not ‘societal pressure’

I married someone in my 20's who I didn't find attractive. We met at uni, so it wasn't for money. He was my best friend and I felt really comfortable with him, and having had a bad childhood and bad experiences with men during my childhood, that was probably a reason I guess. I did end up divorcing him after 10 years together as the lack of attraction did become a problem as I matured, and I suppose I wanted that attraction and felt something was missing.

I'm not sure it is any more risible than marrying someone/having kids with them just because you fancy the pants off them, without knowing whether you can like/respect/admire/trust/ rely on them etc.

I am that woman too but mainly because my autistic DP doesn’t really like or do overt affection, touch or intimacy so any love stuff I tried to engage in got fended off early by him. Nipped my feelings in the bud as they had nowhere to go, I’m very tactile and expressive. I’m fond of him and the sex is perfunctory but better than a dildo, although it could happen more. If I wasn’t old/didn’t want kids we might have just been friends but he is a good egg, mostly. It’s fine for now. He has what he wants/needs (and I am honest with him).