"I've never found him attractive"

[starfro]

I've seen this both in real life and on here. Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Then 10 years later they are in an awful sexless marriage, and either splitting or "staying together for the kids".

AIBU to find it totally dishonest and selfish from the women that do this?

I think many people of both sexes "settle".

And while it's kinda sad, it's understandable why they do. There are many valid reasons.

You then end up with people who are not all that attracted to or into their partners/spouses.

The problem is a lot of women are attracted to awful men. Either the alpha bad boy, the charmer or general dark triad traits. Therefore a marriage with one if them isn't going to go well either if the men you are attracted to are knobheads

I ageee

I'm not sure it's that as much as being realistic enough to know that unless you're an incredibly desirable woman bringing everything possible to the table yourself, it's pretty unlikely you're going to have a queue of men who score ten out of ten in all criteria. Most women do have to compromise on their ideal in some way. The OP is asking us to judge women who compromise on physical attraction in favour of financial security.

In the past, I've dated a few men, who looking back weren't attractive at all. At the time though, I must have fallen for their personalities and love made me fancy them, they were attractive to me. Even if I knew I was overlooking some flaws. Now I don't love them at all, I look back and think what was I thinking?!
So, it suggests that if somebody 'Never found him attractive' Then they never were never madly in love with them, in which case why the hell did they marry and settle down with them?
I still fancy my DH of 25 years! I think he's very handsome, maybe it's still the love goggles in action, but I do think he's genuinely attractive and not just to me.

I think it also depends on how unattractive you find someone. I mean are you repulsed by them? Or do you just not feel much attraction? To be honest I think there's something to be said for making sensible decisions about who you marry rather than waiting for a knight in shining armour. I know lots of women who are single and childless and rapidly approaching 50...it's not a position I'd envy . Meanwhile the woman I know who married a guy she's not attracted to has a family life, a home, a man who would do anything for her...it's probably preferable. I mean the absolute ideal would be to have that combined with the attraction!

I find people seem to confuse someone being conventionaly good looking, with being attracted to them.
Granted, the more good looking someone is, the more people probably will be attracted to them, but there's so much more to it than that, the actual chemistry of falling in love.

@barbarahunter I did the same - first marriage because I was young/stupid/wanted to get away from parents...I remember getting drunk the weekend before the wedding and gaily telling my best friend that I didn't love my husband-to-be and hadn't for ages... like you my whole attitude was very 'oh it will be ok'...of course it wasn't and we were divorced 3 years later.

Second marriage was because - at the age of 30 - I felt 'old and past it' and panicked. Didn't help that I had my mother going on and on at me about having been with then boyfriend 5 years...looking back we should have split up, not married.

In both cases I took infatuation and limerence far too far. In both cases, I didn't have the guts to say 'this isn't working out for me anymore' and end it years before I did. In both cases, I was the one who finally pulled the plug. Both exes have gone on to have long term relationships with new people. I do draw comfort from the fact that as I never wanted children, there were none to be drawn into the messes I made.

I am this woman

In fairness, when I look at my friendship groups, more of the failed marriages/relationships have stemmed from going for 'bad boy' types who, surprise surprise, don't 'change' and turn out to be terrible partners/Dads.

A decent smattering of regret for having broken things off with historical 'nice blokes' who didn't spark as much 'passion', all of whom are now in what appear to be happy marriages.

I do agree that sometimes life's lessons can be seen coming a mile off, though.

I don't understand how you can maintain an intimate, romantic relationship with someone long-term (or even short-term) if you're not in love with them or attracted to them?

Having sex must be horrific.

There are lots of reasons to get married. Finding someone hot isn’t a better reason than any other.

Further, initial attraction isn’t a perfect predictor of longevity of desire - lots of couples find that an amazing spark is in time extinguished by time and routine.

Maintaining a healthy sexual relationship once the honeymoon period is over usually takes a bit of conscious thought, intent and willingness. It’s very arguable that couples who got married to partners who they chose for stability / family values etc are more willing to put in that effort than couples who got married because they had the hots and thought it would last forever.

Divorce is very common, sexless marriages are too, but I doubt not prioritising sexual attraction over other qualities is the reason, and I don’t think it’s selfish behaviour.

Ive seen this and know a few women that wanted babies came off birth control lied to patners about it had a baby split with partner but he has to pay for the next 18 years.

Or the women that get married for security but dont love their husbands hes just a bank.

I told one of my friends that has done this that that you need your own security thats what jobs are for i wouldnt rely on a man.
She repied with thats all hes good for is money i dont see her much now im letting it fizzle out.

Not everyone things the main point of marriage is about being sexually attracted. And realistically, this is something that often changes over the course of a marriage anyway.

Also, some women aren't huge on sex anyway. Or weren't when they married, but their libido increases later.

But I would also be very wary of retconning. People do this all the time, reframe what happened before to make it fit in with the way they feel now, and in some cases justify what they want to do now. Never was attracted = marriage was never really "valid" in the minds of some, and justifies their leaving to find more fulfillment.

All that being said, it is very hard on the partner when, through no fault of his own, his wife doesn't, or no longer, finds him attractive. It goes the other way too, obviously.

Some women do see men as walking money and some men see women as walking sex. This is definitely true for some.

I agree thats true it goes both ways but i just dont understand that some women just cant be wrong and twist everything when sometimes we can see it a mlie off that she is in the wrong.

Do you really believe that all the couples who've been married 30 years or so consider their partner sexually attractive and are 'in' love with them? Many if not most people reach a point where sexual satisfaction will be based more on what they do together sexually (if they're lucky!) rather than a burning desire for the body of their partner because they find them so uniquely attractive. Many if not most people reach a point where friendship, companionship and just love (without the 'in' part) replace romance. Starting out with someone on these terms isn't 'horrific' when it's highly likely its where you'll end up anyway.

I'd say men messing women around during their 20s and 30s and pretending to be interested in commitment and possibly a family only to drop that is far more common than women feigning interest in a man for the sake of a wedding and some kids.
You'd have to be not very bright to fail to realise that as a woman from the moment you are pregnant most women are doing the all of the "heavy lifting" in terms of domestic / family life anyway so its not like the woman got "something for nothing" if he agrees to the wedding and a kid.
This is why you should never marry for the "big day" and all that bulls**t

Do you really believe that all the couples who've been married 30 years or so consider their partner sexually attractive and are 'in' love with them?

I'm not at the thirty year mark yet but I am almost twenty years in. Still feel in love. Obviously the initial intensity mellows over time but what a thing to miss out on.

I was just telling my dh this the other day and he was shocked as I am myself , when I read threads about never wanting sex again !!
what’s the point marry someone u fancy keep dating don’t get married or have babies til your absolutely 100% if your not then leave !!!!! It’s so cruel to themselves and the other person involved and kids !

I’ve been with dh 27 years and still fancy him and enjoy sex !

I’ve been with dh 27 years and still fancy him and enjoy sex !

I'm so glad you said that, I was starting to feel like the weird one.
It's not even just the sex, it's if you go somewhere nice, on holiday or a day out, and you still want to hold hands and kiss and make eye contact. That kind of intimacy.

Absolutely lovely isn’t it !!! X

I think it's maybe more a matter of rewriting history.

I used to think like this but as DP and I enter our 40s I've actually been amazed to find out how time, comfort, familiarity and I suppose love can enhance sexual attraction to someone. And actually yes, what you do together is really important. Back in the day I took a couple of incredibly attractive men to bed only to find that what turned me on was not what turned them on. It wasn't even that they were bad at sex per se, just... different to what I wanted. Sexual compatibility is crucial to a good relationship and will last even when your bodies are a bit wrinklier (and also doesn't necessarily depend on looks in the first place).

I think the worst aspect of settling is that the people who do it don't give a second thought to how it affects others. If two people want to embark on a platonic, transactional co-parenting arrangement with mutual respect but no sexual attraction, and call that a marriage, who am I to judge them? Fair play if it's what they want. If one person thinks the marriage is that, but deceives the other into thinking it's about love and attraction... that's incredibly wrong.