"I've never found him attractive"

[starfro]

I've seen this both in real life and on here. Women will marry guys they don't find attractive, just because they want someone to support them and their desire for babies.

Then 10 years later they are in an awful sexless marriage, and either splitting or "staying together for the kids".

AIBU to find it totally dishonest and selfish from the women that do this?

It’s just another version of “the script” I guess. Baffles me too. “I don’t love him, never found him attractive, didn’t want to marry him, but somehow I agreed to date him, get engaged, married and have children with him…”

Yes maybe, but I think a lot of women don’t realise at the time they marry/ get together with someone, and think “this is all there is”. They might think anything better is a myth.

It's all very well to say on paper, but real life is more complex than that.

Some women also are programmed by society to want to please, so marry a man to make him happy/ not upset him, and don’t think about the consequences for themselves.

What is your sample size? I’m sure people do this, absolutely, but I’d be very surprised if it’s at all widespread. Plus I imagine that more people do the opposite — marry or commit on the grounds of sexual attractedness, and discover there’s not much else there once that goes…?

I don't know, maybe security is more important than sex and attractiveness to some. Is that any worse than the other way around?

Going off a sample Mumsnet isn’t that representative, I’d agree, as the women posting then are wanting to end their relationship, hence “the script” element.

I had been in love twice with attractive men who treated me like shit and dumped me. So when I was in my 30s and a nice stable man wanted to spend time with me, I didn’t pay too much heed to the fact that he wasn’t very attractive and we weren’t in love.

Honestly you’re very lucky if you meet someone attractive who is also a decent person and wants to commit. Because it really doesn’t happen that often. Most of the women I know either settled or remained single.

Yes, I’d find it more, I don’t know, realistic, if someone posted that their husband was really hot and charming, then fell out of lust, rather than the “he’s an ugly, charmless slob but I married him anyway” narrative.

For a range of reasons, eg being young and foolish, wanting to get away from parents, I married my first husband thinking 'oh, it'll be ok'. Growing up, just about every marriage I'd ever seen had seemed to feature a bullying father and compliant mother and I guess I thought that that was what marriage was.

Second time around, I married because I was in love with him. In short, that was just as disastrous as the first.

My conclusion to all this is I'm not cut out for marriage and maybe a lot of people aren't too. I'm not against it per se but society used to see it as the norm and I don't think it should be seen as such.

I've seen it too, and with long standing friends, " I want to start a family and I'm looking for somebody to share/carry the cost". Quite why men agree to it I don't know as most seen ambivalent to having kids in the first place. I guess it's what's expected of them but it's a form of abuse, especially when it comes in form of an ultimatum.

If you are unattractive to many men and desperate for kids I can see why it would be a valid choice. I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't fancy though, I would rather use a sperm donor if I wanted kids that much.

you’re looking at this all wrong.

Women settle. It’s social conditioning. They are frequently told to give ‘nice guys a chance’ and they give years to these apparent ‘nice’ guys who actually are just mediocre.

If they look for a stable provider,
funny, kind type AND someone that gets them hot under the collar- there is quite often baying harpies telling them they are being too picky and they will end up alone. A thread like this pops up weekly with someone expressing faux concern for their ‘picky’ friend ending up alone.

To be fair, marrying for love and love only is a fairly new concept and is not universal. There are several reasons people marry. If you've never been in their shoes you cannot understand and there is no reason to criticise them. Others marry for companionship and it works for them and they are contented. Equally some marry for love then it goes tits up. Life is strange. It has zillions of mixes when it comes to partnerships with zillions of possible outcomes. Life is nor black and white for many. If you are one of those who have been absolutely in love with your mate since you where 16 and have been together for 55 mind blowing years with mind blowing sex then thank your lucky stars.

I've never heard anyone say this. I'm sure it happens sometimes but I don't feel it's really common.

Men can be just as insecure as women, so will get with someone that shows an interest, even if that interest is quite unenthusiastic.

It mostly ends in disaster.

Have you heard of post nut clarity?
Time gives you perspective. Sometimes we lie to ourselves or don't realise something will matter later because we know we can't have a perfect life with a perfect partner.
People get swept up by all sorts of things and only later see things more clearly. I don't think that's malicious, it's just life and maturity.
Also so what if you were physically attracted before? People lose their looks literally (aging, weight, illness, hairloss..) or metaphorically (ugly irritating personality..).
In the end, whether you started with attraction or not doesn't matter if it's over it's over.

And why didn't the other partner pick up on no attraction? Both deceived themselves.

If they look for a stable provider,
funny, kind type AND someone that gets them hot under the collar
These type of men are highly in demand. Only the most attractive and desirable women are going to get them. If you’re not one of those women, you have to settle. Either for someone who’s sexy but not stable, or vice versa someone who’s stable but not sexy. The least attractive women have to settle for someone who is neither!

I think the number of people who genuinely marry a guy they have zero attraction to is very very small. However I think people lose that and look back through smudge coloured glasses. They can't remember the time when they used to think the smile was cute, now it's just contemptuous. That laugh isn't hysterical it's annoying. He's put on weight and lost hair. He's picked up annoying habits or the repetition of habits over 10 years has made them annoying - suddenly leaving dirty socks on the bathroom is something to commit murder over whereas once it was a funny quirk.

There's "mind blowing sex", and even normal fun sex.

But 20 years of gritting your teeth and doing the deed once a week? It sounds awful for both parties.

Then you make your peace with ending up alone. It’s much better than wasting your time with a dud.

i got one of the above ^ - very pleased I didn’t settle.

also- contrary to your point above, I’m probably not the ‘hottest’ woman out there!

Even hot successful women with hot successful men end up cheated on a d heartbroken. Nobody can have the whole package long term.

Except attraction isn't one side fits all.
By your logic I should be marked to an ugly dickhead because I'm not pretty or skin enough to be worthy of a decent bloke. In reality I'm married to an average looking guy who works full time, rarely goes out, supports me to have time away, does his share with the kids and house, works full-time, is good to him mom but not too much, and it's great at presents.

It might be bad for you but some people have a loe libido or find financial security a bigger turn on. People have different priorities and are willing to put up with different things.
I would give up good sex and good looks for a fat wallet.

Nobody has to settle. I’d rather be single than married to a man I wasn’t keen on as a consolation prize.

Having undesirable sex once a week is preferable to putting up with being poor. The fact is, women still get paid less than men, motherhood still vastly reduces women’s earnings, and decent houses in respectable areas cost two salaries. You have to think about your kids as well as yourself - you do it to keep them in a nice house.

I would say be realistic than settle.