To find it unfair that my DH doesn’t seem to want me to work?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

Slightly complex situation here.

I work full time as a teacher. To cut a long story short, it isn’t really working for me- long hours, tough conditions and three small children that I hardly ever see. I’m hoping to leave at Easter. Having gone from doing everything round the house as a SAHM for a few years, my DH has found it hard that now he has to pick up his share of pick ups etc. DH is happy at the thought of me quitting my job.

We’ve got a holiday cottage that I’d like to run instead of teaching. I think I can make it work around the children a bit more, and I’ll be able to do most of the pick ups and drop offs. All fine.

However, there’s a part time job that I’ve seen advertised and that I’d really like to try doing. Its museum work. It’s 28 hours but over a rota of 7 days. My DH really doesn’t think I should go to the interview (which is next week) as he thinks it won’t make our lives easier and that I should just stick to cleaning and running the holiday cottage.

I can’t help feeling that he just wants things to be easier for him, and for me to revert back to doing all the pick ups and drop offs. He doesn’t earn loads so the part time wage that I could bring in might help us financially. He just says I change my mind a lot, and that I’m frustrating.

You didn't say anything about specialist training and how much the pay increases once you start that

Yes, they're still Junior Doctors but they're on a hell of a lot more than £14p/h.

Yeah, I'm struggling to take anything you say seriously tbh.

I did. I said:

you’re a junior doctor right until you’ve qualified as a GP or consultant and pay is graded according to what training year you’re in.

Well yeah because you’ve no idea what you’re talking about.

I love this answer!

It’s irrelevant how many hours OP has free during the week if those hours are not over school pick up time or cleaning holiday let time for financial purposes. She’s also not going to have any extra time to spend with her kids by being off work Mon-Thursday between 9am and 1pm, the time with kids mid week is AFTER school (when they will be in after school club), or on a weekend/school holidays when OP could well then be working. Kids are off for 13 weeks of the year, the expense of paying for essentially full time childcare for that time alone will be pretty big.

It’s something she needs to sit with her husband and look carefully at the numbers over. Between them they need to look at what the family is best off doing both financially and practically. That’s what being part of a family means. I’d love to get a part time job in a little cafe with none of the stress of my current job, but I have a mortgage, a child, a dog, my job isn’t just about me it’s about how it all affects our household.

@Mrsttcno1 You need to let go of the idea of cleaning time, that is not compatible with the museum job as I have said. Not least you may need to clean at 3 days notice which isn’t comparable with childcare either. A cut of 27 hours is not insignificant. We don’t know what the shift times are but presumably if they were totally incompatible with school hours she wouldn’t be considering the job.

I'd go for the museum job. If you get it you have a secure p/t income to back up the holiday cottage bit (you can arrange that around job and DCs) and if you don't nothing is lost. DH possibly wants an easier time but, being charitable, he may see that you are run ragged by teaching full-time and not seeing your children much and wants that to stop. Teaching, so apparently child-friendly, is a very difficult job to do with small children.

We do know what the shifts are, they are either 10-4 or 10-5 as OP has said, on a varying rota over 7 days, and I didn’t realise OP actually said they have 3 children under the age of 8.

That means on days when OP is working, that’s 3 x potentially £15 after school club (maybe more as younger children). Meaning if there was going to be 4 shifts that week and none fall on DH’s non-working day, that’s potentially £180 per week literally just on after school childcare.

During the school holidays, if those shifts all fall mid-week, it’s 4 days per week childcare for 3 kids to pay for. Even the cheapest childminders where we live you’re looking at about £40 a day per child under 10, closer to £50 if they are under 3/4 years old. So there’s possibly £120 a DAY, for possibly 4 days a week, every school holiday. Just on childcare.

A cut in hours is pretty insignificant when you can’t do anything in that time to do either of the things you want to do or the family needs you to do, AKA spend time with these children or contribute financially to family pot.

There’s plenty of jobs that you could absolutely do in these circumstances without whacking a huge childcare bill on to the family expenses, this just isn’t one of them. Imagine if this was a woman posting that her husband was telling her he was going to drop his hours and his income, while increasing the family expenses to facilitate him doing so, plus taking a job that meant not ever really make plans for weekend dates as a family as he may or may not be working them… 🤣

It seems as though OP's DH isn't against her not teaching though, he just wants her to do the holiday cottage and nothing else because it will be easier for childcare.

It might be easier but OP has already spent some time as a SAHM and sacrificed in that way already so I don't think it's fair if DH expects her to do it again.

The vast majority of working parents with school aged children have to juggle (and pay for) childcare during school holidays.

Oh yes I forgot and they’re highly compatible with school hours because she can always do the drop offs in the morning even when she’s working. Working 6-7 hours 4 days a week some of which may fall on DH’s day off or the weekend will be more manageable than teaching 50-55 hours a week when she has to be in school by 8.30 5 days a week.

Agreed.

absolutely lots of parents juggle and pay for childcare because they HAVE to.

I don’t know of any families who would mutually agree it’s a good idea to reduce the household income by possibly 25% for one person to go part time, and as a direct result of that part time job increase your childcare bill by possibly £180 per week.

But you do change your mind ALL the time OP. I've seen about half a dozen threads from you about career changes and this hokiday cottage. Maybe your DH thinks that you aren't taking a measured and sensible approach and are just scatter gunning all over the place.

OP something I haven’t seen mentioned is that it’s a fixed term contract for less than a year. There’s no guarantee you’ll be kept on after that. Does that not concern you?
If you feel like teaching isn’t working then definitely look at your options but rolling shifts and an insecure job aren’t the best option. I’m sure you’ve got loads of skills for alternative roles

You have very little to lose by going for the interview. You may not even get the role, and even if they do offer it you are under do obligation to accept it. It’s worth finding out more I’d say.

It depends.

Can they afford it?
Is it good for OP's mental health to stay in teaching?
Is it OP's ''turn'' to prioritise a career that she wants?
Will this job open up other opportunities for OP in the future?

Finances are part of it but both need to be just as responsible and it does feel like OP's DH expects her to do the majority of sacrificing for financial reasons.

Any job she takes instead of teaching will require to pay childcare for the holidays. The museum job will reduce her current weekly childcare bill because she will be working 4 days @ 6-7 hours instead of 5 days @ 10-11 hours.

If she runs the holiday let herself she will be cleaning up to 3 times a week depending on her minimum booking. And she will be responsible for the maintenance and guest issues which require immediate attention. I dunno how you think she’s going to get childcare for that!

Combining managing the lettings (but not the cleaning) with the museum job yields 2 income sources instead of just the one, which will cover the holiday childcare.

OP has already said that her husband does not earn huge money.

The options are not simply teaching OR museum… look for a different job absolutely if unhappy where you are.

When you have 3 children all under the age of 8, it’s not really the time to prioritise any career that takes you away from family over weekends or school holidays IF you don’t have to be. Especially when OP has said one of the things bothering her is that she feels she rarely has time to spend with the kids.

OP has literally posted 5 or 6 times about different career changes. This is just the next in a long line.

OP’s DH is the main earner, he has to keep working to keep the family ticking over but has also amended his work to be able to do a school pick up.

Forget the posters wrangling about doctor's pay - no one's mentioned the rental income from the holiday let.

I used to get £100 per night for mine, I only gave a discount on lets lasting 10 or more days. In a good month, I made £2700 gross, about £2000 net after agency fees etc. And that's on top of any part-time job. As I said, as far as tax goes, with all the offsets (soap and loo roll for the guests are legal offsets!) and tax allowances, she might even end up getting back some of the taxes paid on the waged job.

'Not huge money' is a very wide net. It doesn't necessarily mean that they can't afford it, maybe OP's DH just doesn't want them to pay it which is very different to not affording it.

If OP is miserable as a teacher then something has to change, that will likely mean needing childcare in school holidays just like the majority of people do. OP shouldn't be expected to sacrifice her happiness and/or her mental health just to save some money if they can afford it unless they are truly desperate which it doesn't sound like.

If I could be a SAHM and be financially secure I'd do it in an instant. If you can and it will make you happy, then go for it! X

Why are you so intent on denigrating a woman you don’t know?

She and her DH are currently joint breadwinners.

You keep criticising a job that takes her away from family at weekends and holidays whole ignoring the fact it will give her much more time with her family during the week.

What are your alternative suggestions?

Take the part time position. It’s not your job to facilitate his career or make his life easier, and your dc are also his children. You will resent it otherwise (bitter experience). Is he also going to top up your pension along with saying you can clean and rent out ?

Did you not read the OP? She used to be a SAHM, she doesn't want to be one now.