To find it unfair that my DH doesn’t seem to want me to work?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

Slightly complex situation here.

I work full time as a teacher. To cut a long story short, it isn’t really working for me- long hours, tough conditions and three small children that I hardly ever see. I’m hoping to leave at Easter. Having gone from doing everything round the house as a SAHM for a few years, my DH has found it hard that now he has to pick up his share of pick ups etc. DH is happy at the thought of me quitting my job.

We’ve got a holiday cottage that I’d like to run instead of teaching. I think I can make it work around the children a bit more, and I’ll be able to do most of the pick ups and drop offs. All fine.

However, there’s a part time job that I’ve seen advertised and that I’d really like to try doing. Its museum work. It’s 28 hours but over a rota of 7 days. My DH really doesn’t think I should go to the interview (which is next week) as he thinks it won’t make our lives easier and that I should just stick to cleaning and running the holiday cottage.

I can’t help feeling that he just wants things to be easier for him, and for me to revert back to doing all the pick ups and drop offs. He doesn’t earn loads so the part time wage that I could bring in might help us financially. He just says I change my mind a lot, and that I’m frustrating.

Tell him to fuck off - do what is right for you.

Remind me again what the divorce stats currently are……

Can you go part time as a teacher?

Logistically maybe, but financially? We’ve got a holiday cottage that I’d like to run instead of teaching. I think I can make it work around the children a bit more, and I’ll be able to do most of the pick ups and drop offs. All fine.

Something makes me think this is not a genuine post.

If it is, i wonder if OP has actually sat down and gone through all the points in her/your post?

With the scant details provided, her/your husband could be coming at this from multiple perspectives and making valid points. If I was in his position, I’d be questioning. Not because I want a childminding, cleaner, but because this can’t have been rationally thought through.

Three children and two properties, even if both mortgage free, are beyond the financial means of one average wage earner, unless the holiday business is very profitable and there is income from investments, or whatever. It’s incredibly expensive just to get out of bed these days!

unless I’m missing something, you/she overlooking the privilege of being able to evenconsider giving up full time work. It’s tough working full time. Many (most?) financially require both parents to be working.

In a fairly disparaging tone, it’s said husband isn’t a high earner, but to even be able to consider him being the only wage earner of a family of 5, he must be earning more than the national average wage, assuming at least one mortgage. A part time museum job doesn’t pay well, unless a senior position, in a larger museum, but pro rata, this is going to be high.

Three young children, but how young? Are they in childcare/school when parents are working. Are they doing extra curricular activities, obviously adding costs and logistics.

Obviously, full time childcare carries a higher financial cost than before and after school care. I’m assuming no need for school holiday clubs, etc..

A major reason for giving up work is to see the children more. She doesn’t say how long she has been working full time. I’m assuming juggling maternity leaves. If 3 x full time childcare costs, it makes a lot of sense to have one parent not working to remove this cost, if the financial balance is manageable Or two working part time and Co-working/Co-parenting, so to speak.

if they’re in school though, potentially she will see less of them. Possibly, every other weekend working plus however many hours during school holidays.

I’m bored now, but you get my gist!

Well OP you have changed your mind twice in the post ....

I think the museum job could be challenging hours after teaching. No weekends and school holidays off .

I would not even consider the museum job because it's 7 days a week. It makes it very hard to spend time together as a family.

I'd be questioning your plans too because it doesn't seem like you have

Odds are you'll be working every weekend at a museum so yes, it needs to be discussed with DH as it will impact whole family

Another one who thinks you should go for the museum job. Would he give up his job ? No.
Also you will have annual leave to ease some of the school holiday costs.

Hi. I totally get where you are coming from but I think the museum job will massively complicate your life, with sometimes having to find another cleaner and sometimes needing ASC. But actually the worst thing about it will be childcare in the holidays. For a temporary contract, I don't think it's worth it.

He already has changed his hours to accommodate OP's job.

I don't think he sounds inflexible, I think he sounds frustrated that OP can't seem to make up her mind and isn't really thinking long-term or practically.

@margotrose he hasn't changed his hours to accommodate OPs job he's changed his hours to accommodate his family life. Is all childcare down to the wife ?
She's perfectly entitled to change her mind about a job.

@Nonewclothes2024 of course it's not all down to her but if one person changes the status quo then that needs to be a discussion with the other person - not a unilateral decision.

If my DH came home and said he didn't want to work full time anymore, he wanted a nice part-time job at a museum and I had to do all the weekend childcare to accosts him, I'd not be very impressed.

I agree. Dealing with the general public too.

I absolutely agree@margotrose. If we want equality, we have to ensure we give equality. I sense the issue is more that her husband earns less than she would like and therefore can’t support the lifestyle she wants. I have to say, OP comes across as very self centred. Seeing more of her children is clearly an afterthought.

@Nonewclothes2024

He’s saying the opposite though isn’t he - he’s saying that he doesn’t want her to work because it makes his life easier if he doesn’t have to do any childcare.

It would be helpful if both of you read the OP’s posts properly rather than inventing a narrative and responding to that.

@Nonewclothes2024 how do you know he doesn’t want to or won’t give up his job? Most people I know Jack in their current job to fulfil and ill thought out fantasy life.

Assuming they both wanted three children they have an obligation between them to care for them.

As well as physically looking after them, this mean the financially challenging needs to house, feed, dress, make financial provisions in the case one or both parents can’t in the future, etc. The older children get, the more expensive and logistically challenging parenting gets. The more children in the mix, the greater the costs and logistics.

I doubt for one moment @Internationalwomendayheadquarters has thought any of this through.

2 x properties - mortgages, maintenance, insurance etc.
1 x business - marketing, business admin including paying taxes on income, paying wages, etc, depending on business set up.
3 x children - as above.
2 x adults - is this an equitable partnership or a power struggle?
2 x of both, what are the short, mid snd longer term earning potentials based on current statuses, employment longevity (many roles are being automated, outsourced, cut), who has the greater earning capacity, flexibility (lots seem to think you can dictate to employers if and when you work. You can’t!), employee benefits, pension contributions etc.

It’s all very well stamping our feet and saying men are bad, but lots of women are too. I know so many women who continually run down their husbands, yet seem to contribute nothing at all. Sitting drinking coffee and airing their complaints while the children rampage around soft play etc, is not parenting. It’s also not paying for coffee and soft play.

I work full time and always have. I don’t sit at a desk twiddling my thumbs. Im accountable. As a single parent I do all the parenting too. I’d be pretty pissed off if I had a partner who expected me to do all of this while they indulged in a hobby job.

How about the husband goes for the interview too and they who gets the role gets to do the job. The other continues as is? OP won’t go for this! Her husband can keep doing his “low paid” job. Me me me.

@Copperoliverbear and he can too. Two working part time, including weekends, in a low paid job. Are you hungry, children?!

@Mirabai but she does work at the moment (and full time as well) so he clearly doesn't object to her having a job.

I think (understandably) what he doesn't want is for her to take a low paying job that makes everyone's life harder than it needs to be.

What OP says is that while working in this FT job DH has found it hard to do his share of pick ups and is “happy” at the prospect of her “quitting”.

Further, he doesn’t want her to go to for the museum job but stick to running the holiday cottage, OP feels this is to save him the pick up and drop offs.

Having 2 parents working is always going to be trickier logistically than just the one. But that is not a good reason for OP not to earn her own money or pursue an interesting line of work than cleaning.

I just think there's a big difference between a job with set days and hours and a job with constantly changing shifts and weekend work, especially when you have small children.

I would rather my partner didn't work at all than did a job with awkward shifts that meant we lost out on family time and needed to pay out more in childcare.

If a man unilaterally decided he wanted to work part-time including shifts and weekends, leaving his wife to do all the childcare, he'd be told to piss off.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters As I said below I can understand your reasoning of doing a bit less , but this job will give you an almost a full time job with irregular shifts including weekends and less money and more to the point much much less holidays- so the idea of seeing your kids more is hogwash- it won't happen - If you said you would do supply teaching- averaging 2 or 3 days a week max plus the holiday let- I would totally understand the logic of that .

There are few jobs these days with set hours least of all teaching.

A job with changing shifts can be tricky but not impossible (how do you think doctors cope?) and it may also be a question of what’s available in the area.

You might prefer your DP not to work for your convenience and to save childcare fees, but he also has to consider pension and his own career progression and personal fulfilment!

There is no “unilateral” decision in this case, just a woman under pressure from her DH not to take a job and work for free.

If a man wanted to add museum shifts to running a rental business to increase family income I think he would be supported.

I have a suggestion for work which can fit around the kids (in the right home). I work in a care home and finding good activities coordinators can be really difficult. It's usually monday to Friday 11-3 kind of hours (depending on the home obviously). Would this be something you might look into? I find doing kind acts for other people is the best thing for my mental health personally and in the rught home it's like having another family.

It's great for the children to visit care homes too on days off. There will be occasional events outside of Monday to Friday such as summer fairs, Christmas parties etc. If there's one near your children's school you could liaise with them to get the school involved in the home which is great for the children and residents. Just a thought.

Also don't give up your financial independence. Anything can happen in relationships (breakups, illness etc) and you'll be glad of having your own income.

Don't give up your independence for someone who will happily let you put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position to facilitate their laziness.